I'm losing my war with depression and anxiety. My thoughts of suicide have intensified beyond my control. My mind has been hijacked. Im suffering constantly. Mental anguish and rising physical problems. I have spent half of my life banging my head against fate. I feel like im at a point of no return. Whatever happened to me I cant change it. I have no interest in life. No passion and absolutely no interest in being me. But im here and I have to somewhat be forced to live in this misery. And the only way out is a option that would hurt people I love. But I have to save myself from this persecution. I dont feel I can go on any longer. Ive been through so much. I cant believe Ive made it this far. Ive been raped. Burned. Shot. Beaten and abused. Molested. Mentally and physically tortured. Ive lived most of my life alone. In the last year Ive lost my grandmother, my cat got hit by a car, my fiancee left me, i lost my job, my family has finally given up on me and become distant, and my best friend committed suicide last september. I cant sleep. I can see through my eyelids, I can see through the top of my head. My anxiety is constant and relentless. All the dark memories and bizarre dreams I have follow me wherever i go, or do, in my sleep. Im not safe anywhere anymore. Id rather live in physical poverty than mental poverty. And right now Im rock bottom. 28 year old male with no hope in sight and nothing Ive ever acheived or have to live for. Im dying a slow death. And I know it. I just dont want to prolong this any longer. I know I wont live past 35 but, my coping resources have exceeding its abilities and ive fresh out of ways to hold on. I dont believe in heaven, but I definitely believe in hell. Cos i live here now. I dont really have much time left. Im still trying to exhaust every option. Cos noone really wants to die. They just dont want to have to live in such unbearable misery. Of course I know my best friend thought about her family before she shot herself. Because she loved them. But I can never walk in her shoes and understand why she made that choice. i dont judge it. If your pain exceeds your ability to cope, I dont know what other choice there is. Your hand has been forced. Its no longer a decision, it becomes inevitable. Hope and faith is a very vague and tedious thing to hold on to. But I try. Hope somehow something dramatic can happen for me. If not, doesnt matter. This chapter of my life has to end one way or another. Either I turn the page, or I close the book.