Losing hope

[Multiple Man]

I'm losing my war with depression and anxiety. My thoughts of suicide have intensified beyond my control. My mind has been hijacked. Im suffering constantly. Mental anguish and rising physical problems. I have spent half of my life banging my head against fate. I feel like im at a point of no return. Whatever happened to me I cant change it. I have no interest in life. No passion and absolutely no interest in being me. But im here and I have to somewhat be forced to live in this misery. And the only way out is a option that would hurt people I love. But I have to save myself from this persecution. I dont feel I can go on any longer.

Ive been through so much. I cant believe Ive made it this far. Ive been raped. Burned. Shot. Beaten and abused. Molested. Mentally and physically tortured. Ive lived most of my life alone. In the last year Ive lost my grandmother, my cat got hit by a car, my fiancee left me, i lost my job, my family has finally given up on me and become distant, and my best friend committed suicide last september. I cant sleep. I can see through my eyelids, I can see through the top of my head. My anxiety is constant and relentless. All the dark memories and bizarre dreams I have follow me wherever i go, or do, in my sleep. Im not safe anywhere anymore. Id rather live in physical poverty than mental poverty. And right now Im rock bottom. 28 year old male with no hope in sight and nothing Ive ever acheived or have to live for. Im dying a slow death. And I know it. I just dont want to prolong this any longer. I know I wont live past 35 but, my coping resources have exceeding its abilities and ive fresh out of ways to hold on.

I dont believe in heaven, but I definitely believe in hell. Cos i live here now. I dont really have much time left. Im still trying to exhaust every option. Cos noone really wants to die. They just dont want to have to live in such unbearable misery. Of course I know my best friend thought about her family before she shot herself. Because she loved them. But I can never walk in her shoes and understand why she made that choice. i dont judge it. If your pain exceeds your ability to cope, I dont know what other choice there is. Your hand has been forced. Its no longer a decision, it becomes inevitable.

Hope and faith is a very vague and tedious thing to hold on to. But I try. Hope somehow something dramatic can happen for me. If not, doesnt matter. This chapter of my life has to end one way or another. Either I turn the page, or I close the book.

 

[Shauna Lea]

Im SO sorry to hear about all uve been through! The fact that u r still here is an inspiration and u should b so proud that u have made it this far. I wish there was something that could b done to change the past and erase it all, but unfortunatly thats impossible. So all u can do is work forward from here, live one day at a time. If u arent already seeing a phychologist i think u should, it might help alot. My thoughts r wit u, i hope things start looking up for u very soon! Feel free to pm me if u ever want to chat. I cant promise to make things better, but i can promise to listen. Take care!

 

[Old_Man_Kensey]

I m really moved by what you wrote...Actually, the first thread i ever read in this SF was one of yours, some 3-4 months ago, before i joined in...I believe that no movie plot or book can actually be as dramatic as life...I admire you for your strenght and for your ability to express how u feel in such a presice and genuine way.I really do

I can t offer any help but be your friend...You can pm me or add me if u use a messenger. I m [email protected]

Take care

 

[ealdc]

I can't offer advice either except to see a doctor, and get on medication and see a therapist. I am not a drug pusher, i swear, but i say trying medication should be one of the steps you take before ending your life. What have you got to loose? you're probably already doing those things tho.:tongue:

I was suicidal 5 months ago. I went on medication in April, then became really suicidal for a few weeks but I pushed through it. i told myself to live until christmas (i love christmas). now it is feb. and even though i'm still unhappy, lazy and still have all the symptoms i've always had, i am no longer as suicidal as i once was, though i still pray for death.

if you're on med's, switch. please, talk to someone who CAN possible help you. telling you to keep pushing isn't really a solution. i know how you feel.

 

[Multiple Man]

I dont care whether I live or die. I dont really care at this point. I dont fear death. Life really isnt this precious or worth it. The only thing I care about now is sharing my story. Hoping that people will not turn out like me and waste time and neglect myself to the point of no return. I just noticed I spent the last 2 hours staring at my wall. I can feel life leaving my body.

I'm about as valueable as a stray dog. What is there to fight for? I had to really sit down and ask myself that. And for about 3 seconds I laughed. Im fighting all these years so hard so I can continue to be a overweight, unattractive, untalented, mentally ill, lonely, ugly black man who scrub tire rims for a living and have no real family or friends. Boy, thats a lot to live for there. I can see if I actually had something to live for. Im the biggest procrastinator when it comes to suicide. Although ive attempted 4 times, albeit very subtle attempts. Just seems like im always trying to believe that the sun has to shine on my a*s one of these days, so stick around just til tomorrow and see. Hope... the great illusion.

 

[ealdc]

It's interesting that you compare yourself to a stray dog. i love dogs. When i was in Costa Rica i wanted to cry for every stray dog i saw.

i don't fear death, but i fear God, if there is God. Do you believe in God? Honestly, if I didn't believe in God, i think i wouldn't be here. i have never attempted to commit suicide because of how i was raised, but if I didn't believe in God at all, i know i would attempt it until it worked.

Just seems like im always trying to believe that the sun has to shine on my a*s one of these days, so stick around just til tomorrow and see.

This is similar to how i live. It has to get better one day, doesn't it!?!?!?!

I don't know what help i can give you!!!