losing it

I'm seriously losing it :sad: Right now I don't care what else happens, I just wanna here her voice, know that she doesn't hate me like I hate myself. Just wanna know she's ok. I miss her so much... Argh, I know I'm a whining pathetic little shit and everyone's getting really sick of this crap. Hell, so am I. I'm seriously slipping into psychoville. Like there's something under intense strain in my head and it's about to snap. And when it does I wont be in control anymore. And I'm terrified of that... I just miss her so much. Please, if she'd only call me or something, I'd feel better for a bit. I know I could call her, but I'm afraid to. I'm scared she'll hate me for calling her. If she wants to talk to me she will. But I guess she doesn't... I know I'm not thinking straight and everything I've just written is completely flawed. If I love her I should stay away from her...

 

Oh Mal, you dear cutie...you make yourself sound like someone to be shunned when all I know about you is wonderful and wise...hold on to us when you feel adrift, and let us guide you back to shore (presumptive that we know where shore is ourselves...lol) ... with great fondness, Jackie

 

Mal I've been there, worn the t-shirt. I know how hard it is, like your guts have been ripped out and the cat's eating em.

Please try to find something to distract you, anything. Chat at people, get drunk, go for a walk, play heavy metal music till your ears bleed, anything to get past the moment. :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

 

I've tried pretty much everything I can to silence these thoughts. Music, watching dvds for hours, no matter how hard on concentrate on them my mind wont shut up. No amount of alcohol is enough, I've tried. Even non safe stuff like cutting and drugs doesn't work, it makes it worse. I need to stop my minding from working, and I'm starting to think that the only way is to blow my brains out. Not gonna do that, but I have to do something before... I don't know what. Before "I" get lost, but something else gets left behind still in control.

 

Hi Cutie...I think whatever you push under the rug, you are bound to trip over...talk about how you feel...we will not tire...cry with us...we will not back away as most of us have had our hearts broken in one way or another...you are worth all of your time and support, and will be there for you to make sure you safe and know how cared for you are...luv ya and want you safe and comforted...Jackie

 

I don't think I can talk about it Jackie. If I let things out it just hurts people. If I hurt anyone I feel 100 times worse... I am someone to be shunned, I just wish people would believe that. I'm trying to warn everybody.

 

Now I'm hearing shit :cry: I heard her saying my name, my real name that hardly anyone knows and even less people call me by. She's about the only person I let call me it... And now I'm fucking hearling her say it! Please make it stop, I can't take this!!! :cry:

 

Its ok Mal.Take a wallk,try to relax.Get some fresh air and leave your enviroment your in for a bit.I no it is hard but you can get through it.