Losing It

[lightning05]

I have been gone for a little while from the forum. Being a full time student and working full time has been quite overwhelming for the past month and I was hoping that being so busy would keep me from suicidal ideation.

In reality, nothing will get me out of this depression and hopelessness I've been feeling since I was a kid. More than half of my short life I have been dealing with this on top of childhood trauma. I am seriously wondering what the point of living is. I know that my life could be 100 times worse. I could be living in a war torn country or have no money and struggling to make ends meet. This depresses me even more and then makes me feel guilty as all hell. It makes me wonder if I will ever be happy since I know it can be unimaginably worse. But this pain I have felt for a long time and continue to feel can be extremely unbearable.

I don't want to die because my life is horrible but because I feel so horrible. Dealing with this day in and day out while trying to keep up with the ever increasing demands of life makes me want to just run away. The other day I was ready to either empty my bank account and flee the country or drive to the nearest <mod edit - method> I think it is just relief from this feeling that makes me so suicidal. I am stuck in a cycle that I cannot get out of and trapped by my own emotions.

Thanks for reading.

 

[IdontMatter111]

sorry to hear that you are struggling. please know that you are not alone. are you on any medication? are you able to talk openly or candidly with a family member or friend about how you feel. Sometimes when we voice it outloud to someone who we feel safe with it can take some of the strength out of the feelings (only a suggestion pls dont think im telling you what to do.)
It sounds like you have a lot on your plate at the moment.
Are you able to go for a walk. I do find that can help to clear my head after an extremely busy day.
I hope something of what I have said helps and I hope you find the thing that improves your mood and makes you feel better and helps you relax.
Take care of yourself.

 

[Striking]

We have to remind ourselves that it isn't hopeless. We have had better days. That there are things we can be grateful for.

You're in one of those traffic circles as I call them. This circle makes it very difficult to remember the progress we have made as we move back into thoughts of hopelessness and suicidal ideation. We were done with this we say to ourselves. The burden feels so heavy.

Allow the pain, it's okay, but not the suffering, do not hold it in your heart. You will make it back onto the road to recovery but it takes effort to find a sense of balance again. Be kind to yourself and start again, only this time you will be wiser and stronger than ever.

 

[someguyfrommars]

We have to remind ourselves that it isn't hopeless. We have had better days. That there are things we can be grateful for.

You're in one of those traffic circles as I call them. This circle makes it very difficult to remember the progress we have made as we move back into thoughts of hopelessness and suicidal ideation. We were done with this we say to ourselves. The burden feels so heavy.

Allow the pain, it's okay, but not the suffering, do not hold it in your heart. You will make it back onto the road to recovery but it takes effort to find a sense of balance again. Be kind to yourself and start again, only this time you will be wiser and stronger than ever.

im not gonna encourage anything negative to the op,but you know i have been hearing it for years "it will get better" when?how? people say suicide is wrong,but how many times can a person get their ass kick in life before you call it quits? why live a life of suffering? if you keep trying and you keep failing isn't their a point you have to quit? Some battles are too much for me, i know im at a point where its time to call it quits only thing stopping me is scared of death!

 

[Striking]

No one can tell you that as often it is up to us. If you find a therapist to not be working, try another one. Passive, then try assertive, someone to challenge you and hold you accountable. Maybe a new technique? Group therapy? Medications?

Maybe it's time to voluntarily commit to an inpatient program? Allow yourself to be helped. To let go of pride, to release the need for control. This can be empowering too.

 

[someguyfrommars]

No one can tell you that as often it is up to us. If you find a therapist to not be working, try another one. Passive, then try assertive, someone to challenge you and hold you accountable. Maybe a new technique? Group therapy? Medications?

Maybe it's time to voluntarily commit to an inpatient program? Allow yourself to be helped. To let go of pride, to release the need for control. This can be empowering too.

I mean its situations really finacially you know not having a job,trying over and over and living with people who think they can abuse you because they believe you dont pay bills they can treat you anyway, and knowing i have to put up with bullcrap or else ill be homeless(been homeless before for 3 years)which would make me kill myself(homeless was hell for me).And i don't know if you been to these impatient programs but no government run program will help you,imagine telling those programs your suicidal can you imagine how long they will hold you?Here is the reality fact people need to know NO program can help you or change your situation if you can't pay rent their is nothing that i can help you.I don't want to go to the streets and result to illegal actions like selling drugs just to survive(dont worry never did although it crosses my mind).I don't why my life is full of suffer and pain is it my choices?yes i made wrong choices but i been trying for the last 6 months looking for work and nothing has happeneded.I try to see the light but the dark gets closer everyday i have all the talent and knowledge. I know how to build websites,html,heck i build websites for top companies and i put that on my resume yet no luck.I'll keep looking for work,but my question to you(if you don't mind)have you suffered alot in your life? can you take being homeless for a few years? can you take being in prison for a few years?can you handle having no money?can you hit a low point in your life where you don't see hope?how much pain can you handle?Few days ago i tried to kill myself(posted a thread)yes <mod edit - details>but the body in me is strong and refused to kill myself.But unlike years ago when i tried to kill myself i used to see a purpose now,its like i dont sense any spirit or any purpose.And in this day and age you know people say your a Grown man,get out and do something.I agree but every human needs a helping hand and my family(well my sister i hate her and i wish God can take her out of this planet).Why is their people who seem to have everything? I 'm also in search of a girlfriend and love i had it before but i lost her because at the time my focus and mental state was crazy and i was running the streets.Damn sorry for the long post i had alot in my mind i got a arugement with my family and i always fear being homeless and shit i have to do,god i wish i had a job life be easier..

 

[Striking]

If you have access to a case manager who can help you write a resume and do job searches, use them as they are a great resource. This is disrespectful to the OP so I will not respond in this thread again.

 

[lightning05]

I am getting a prescription from my psychiatrist today for abilify. Nervous about taking it, but at this point I know that my brain and me are so fucked up that meds are the only option. @IdontMatter111 I usually go for long walks when feeling depressed. The other night I spent an hour looking at the stars to calm myself down. Since I moved across the country my life has been very lonely. I have been stuck with my parents and in therapy I am working on the anger I feel towards them so that has not been a good mix. Inside I am just raging and in desperate need of an escape, hence my urge to run away. I am trapped at home, trapped in my emotions, trapped with work and school and the endless painful cycle that is taking me to the breaking point. Sometimes I just want to scream at the top of my lungs and <mod edit - method>

 

[moxman]

Hey girl,

I am glad you are back, I just wish it was under better circumstances. Are you still working at that same place you hated, or have you changed jobs? Could you reduce the hours you work; or do you need the job as a distraction?

Last time we talked, I understand that you were in the final semester, how soon until you finish?

I know your parents and you clash a lot. Could you see about moving out and getting a place of your own?

When you finish school, are you going to stay in the same area you are in now, or you going to move to a new location?

Take Care

 

[lightning05]

I'm still working at the same place and it has been a good distraction. The job has actually been okay just has it's ups and downs and stresses like every other job. I finish in December and am saving up for my own place. I hope to move out by early next year because living at home is driving me insane. I can't get any space and my parents are always here. I either have to leave or trap myself in my room to be alone. Friends are flaky and I don't hang out with them much anymore. I don't have an escape at all. Very tired.

 

[moxman]

I am always here for you girly, if you want to chat.

You are going through a lot, it is no surprise you feel the way you do.