Hey SF, I haven't been on in a loooooong time! I guess that might be considered a good thing. Anyway, I really need to talk to some people who might understand my state of mind tonight. Most of my mental illness is centered around sex in some way. It's always kind of freaked me out, and I think its because of how I was raised in combination with my (probable) OCD. I've gradually been getting better. Well, last night I lost my virginity. At the time I wasn't in my right mind and just really numb to it. I guess I agreed to it because I really like the guy (we have been dating for a month now) and I have been in really confused sorts since I broke up with the guy before him (my boyfriend for 3 years). I've always had great plans for my "first time", but I just wasn't thinking about regret, or anything else, last night. Of course, now that its the next day, I do regret it. I don't really regret who it was with or when it happened or any of that.. What's really hurting me is that I've always expected it to be such a big part of my life that I'd never forget it, but somehow I let it be so forgettable. I hate myself for not telling him that I wanted a little more grandeur than what I got. Even if it was a "heat of the moment" kind of thing, I would be so much less disappointed. But instead I just went along with it. I thought that I was getting over my mental illnesses and doing really well, but last night I had a lapse of any kind of sense or feeling and I'm paying for it now. I know I can't do anything about it now, because what's done is done. But how do I deal with my feelings? I plan on telling my boyfriend that he owes me another, better "first time" But beyond that.. how do I make it up to myself? Edit - I just posted in the Creative Writing forum about this, if you're interested.