losing it

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by mrhope, Oct 26, 2008.

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  1. mrhope

    mrhope Member

    I want to die because I don't see any possible future that involves happiness.

    I know no one is probably interested in my story but I will share it because it's fairly late at night and I don't have anything better to do.

    I think I have suffered from depression most of my life but didn't realize it. It made me live a shell of a life. Even though I have been successful and have a beautiful, successful wife, I have not lived life they way I should have. I have been down much of the time and avoided social situations. I have not made any lasting friendships and am what you would consider a loner.

    Things have happened the last few years that have made my depression really surface and brought me to the place I am now.

    First, I began suffering very painful nervous system symptoms. It was very painful but the Dr's could not find out what was wrong. I had many tests over the course of a year. During this time, I really retreated and became more depressed. I obsessed over my illness and scoured the internet for a cause.

    Eventually my symptoms resolved on their own. Towards the tail end of this my mother became sick and started losing her independence. I flew to where she lived and stayed with her for a few days a total of eight times over the course of the next year. I did this to help her and provide support for her. My mother was diagnosed with cancer and decided to not pursue treatment. She may have only a few months to live but who knows.

    The last time I returned home from staying with my mother, my wife of many years told me she was having an affair. She said she loved this man. She eventually decided to work on our marriage. She said that during the time I was sick and gone to visit my mother she felt as if she was single. She also told me that she felt she had wasted her life by being with me. The things she has done and said are beyond devasting for me.

    Our attempt at reconciliation lasted a few months and now she wants a divorce and is moving forward with that.

    She is a wonderful, beautiful, successful woman and I should have taken care of her and our marriage but instead I took her for granted and did not provide the type of life she deserved (emotionally).

    I have many, many regrets. My family means everything to me and I just don't see how to go on without that. We had a very stable financial future ahead of us. I won't be able to stand watching her move on with another man that will give her what she needs. I will always think that that is the life I should be living. I feel because of my depression I have lost the most important thing - my family. Also, because of this, I see no hope of having happiness with anyone else.

    I've had everything I ever wanted in life but have never really been happy and content with myself. Since I feel like I've had everything a man can want, now is a good time to go.

    I've lost everything and now just face lonliness and the prospect of watching the woman I let get away spend her life with someone else.

    I'm making plans. I need help.
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    It sounds as if you have had a really rough go of things lately. I know that it must all be overwhelming to try and sort through it all. The loss of your marriage is like a death. You need time to grieve it. Life can and does go on despite the loss. You may need to seek counseling to help you deal with the self doubt, guilt, and blame it sounds like you feel. I hope you will let us try to be a system of support for you. I am glad you found us and chose to share. :hug:
  3. midnight08

    midnight08 Member

    depression is such a curse and ruins so many lives....dont let it beat you ....hang in there
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I sort of relate to you. I changed jobs and ended up on third shift.I was making good money so I didn't complain. When I quit my other job I closed my 401k because I didn't know how long I would be out of work. Like a dumb ass I deposited $18,000 in our joint account. Well she moved it to another account and started running around with people she worked with. all this happened after I left for work. One of the guys from her work got her hooked on cocaine, then she started staying gone for two or three days. Then she would only come home to get clothes and personals. Everything happened while I was working. Then I had a nervous breakdown, they hospitalized me for like two weeks, pumping the meds in me. I made up my mind I was moving out. The day I was packing my stuff she showed up begging me to stay. I thought about it for about two minutes and told her OH HELL NO!!! I left and didn't speak to her until we sold the house and I had to sign the papers. It didn't take her long to find another sucker. He was there when we signed the papers. He looked old enough to be her dad.
    I told you all this so you know your not the only one. You can get over it , it just takes a little time..Don't let her sucker you into taking her back. You already know she is sleeping with someone else. My suicidal thoughts will always be there but I deal with them and only backslide every now and then. Take care of yourself, thats what is important right now.Stay Safe!!~Joseph~
  5. mrhope

    mrhope Member

    Thanks for sharing that Joseph....sorry you had to go through that. I guess life just really sucks sometimes. I might make it through it. I'm trying.
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Thats all you can do!!!Good Luck To You!!!~Joseph~
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