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Losing it?

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by tori is a bird, Sep 2, 2010.

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  1. First post here, rather than my introduction. Its half past four in the morning, a week into this bout of depression, and I can't seem to shake it as I've been able to before. I've been lower than this, actually sat down and wrote the note out, but my sister came home before I could do anything. Thankfully. I found this site through google, and it looks quite like it could help me.

    My name is Tori, nice to meet you. I've been to therapy before, but only stayed long enough for a diagnosis of depression and bi polar disorder. Never taken any medication for it. I feel completely irrational, and this kind of depression is completely foreign to me. I've always considered myself a strong person, but even strong people need help some times.

    Tonight I am having a crisis. Every time I stop thinking about what key my finger will touch next, I just start crying again. I want to be alone, but at the same time I want to reach out to someone. But I have no one. My life stalled in the middle of a busy intersection about a week ago. One day you think you have everything figured out. You've been living with him for eight months. You've been happy. Or, at least that's what you tell yourself. You haven't had any completely suicidal thoughts since the night he asked you to make it official. Then, one day, he says out of the blue that its time for a break.

    My life, as I knew it, stopped. I want that back. Where I was living. My best friend. Someone to hold me while I slept so I wouldn't be afraid of sleep walking. But that's over now. And the dark thoughts crept back in. I never thought it would affect me so much. I took it for granted. It was so unexpected. I had never been in love before him. And now I feel the same about myself as I had before.

    That I am the lowest of the low. The lowest creature in existence. What's worse, though, is that I don't belong anywhere now. I was homeless for six months, living in a car with my sister, having to make the choice between using the last six dollars for gas so we could feel safe and move the car if it got scary or eating that day. And now I feel homeless again. Because I can't live with him for the pain of seeing him relieved to be rid of me. And I can't stand living here with my mother. I've always been fiercely independent. Not to mention, she ruined my life. She doesn't even want me here.

    Nobody seems to want me. Even my DOG likes my mother better than I do. I'm completely insignificant in my life. No one would miss me if I was gone. I am unimportant. These are the thoughts that will not stop. All I want is to sleep, but I can't even do that right. Food makes me sick. The past two days all I've eaten were several pre-cut squares of cookie dough and a fourth of a Subway sandwich. It seems like I've got fifty thoughts in my head all at once. One breath I'm okay, the next something triggers a memory of the life I had a week ago and its like someone punched me in the stomach. And no one around me knows. I'm really good at hiding it.

    I don't know how to cope. And I think I might be losing it.

    Also, if I've posted in the wrong place, I wouldn't be put out at all if anyone moved it.
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You haven't posted in the wrong place. :hug: Welcome to SF!

    Have you thought about going back to therapy to see if maybe it would help you?
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