losing it

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Wastingecho, Nov 15, 2010.

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  1. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    probably put this in the wrong forum

    been crying for 4 days straight - complete mess

    ton of little things going wrong (house, irs, homelife)

    then last week my mgr calls me into his office to tell me he is not satisfied with my job performance and he is putting me on a performance improvement plan (p.i.p.)

    this is corporate-speak for we are planning to fire you in a month and a half

    the write up faults me for not doing something that he has expressly forbid me from doing for several years

    the activity i'm supposed to complete to "redeem" myself is not achievable in the current company climate - i am being set up to fail

    the company doesn't give a damn - i make too much and have no value to them other than the number of other people they could hire in india for what i make here

    there are no other jobs out there for someone my age with my experience - been looking for years

    haven't told my family yet - can't face them with this news

    keep going into work - set up meeting with HR and mgr to try and challenge it but have picked up the feeling that it's going to be a waste of time

    then this weekend had to bring my son back to the hospital for a flareup of his colitis, but now the doc thinks it may be crohn's disease - and now my insurance company is saying he isn't covered even though my company records say he is

    it's all too much

    i feel paralyzed, empty, alone, shattered

    i want to scream but can't find a place to do it

    lots of places to cry though

    desk, conference room, bathroom, car, laundry room, train, bedroom

    i don't think i can do this much longer - all of the tools i need are right next to me in my desk and they are gently calling to me - not shouting, whispering and seductive

    they promise peace and rest and no more of this endless pain and anguish

    maybe i put this in the wrong forum after all

    i don't know what to do people

    i'm scared to death and falling apart

    i have to keep coming to work but each moment i sit here is torture
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and so sorry things are so overwhelming...if they are giving you a performance plan, then they do want to invest time in you...I have been a CEO/COO in several corporations and when I wanted someone out, I watched and documented and got them out...make sure you are agreeing to something you can do and if they are not being reasonable, see if you can negotiate more practical expectations...go into the meeting seeming ready to do your due dilligence to make this work...most administrators want to reduce their problems in meetings like this...your idea about hiring cheaper employees is valid, however, training a new person is expensive...please contact me if I can help in any way...I have been on both sides of this issue...J
  3. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    they don't want to invest time in me

    project managers they spend thousands of dollars each years in certification classes

    but i can't get a portion of that to attend conferences to keep my skills and knowledge up to date once every two years

    i get put on projects that bail the company out of tough situations but have nothing to do with the "responsibilities" i am accused of not living up to

    i ask him what he wants me to work on and he tells me i should just be able to whistle up projects out of a hat when he won't even tell me what the overall goals of the department are

    been asking him point blank for 2 years what my job is and not getting an answer and still i tried to perform, still i tried to help the company

    still i failed

    that's what it all comes down to

    fail at work, fail at home, fail at life

    sick of being a living failure

    at least dead i can succeed at being a bad example
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Can you find online courses to improve your skills which will be cheaper and ones you can do? Also, is there a specific conference that you can bring to your manager and tell him/her you want to attend? Maybe if you initiate this, it can be discussed in a more specific manner...J
  5. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    i've tried - been shot down

    ever since i came off disability in may it's been weird

    tropical storm in august, nat'l weather service issued warning for my area saying to stay home, so i worked from home using a vpn connection - get an email from my mgr saying i should not have done that without prior approval and he cc's his boss and human resources

    the project i was working on all year before i went out on disability - my design work was the core they used to go forward, i hit every shifting deadline, met every bizarre request no matter what - during my review he gave me poorest marks (1's) in two categories based on this project saying i was unable to adapt and that my designs did not meet the needs of the company - and he used those two reasons to justify not giving me a raise

    when i challenged his assessment he said not to worry that he would help me improve - he just brushed me off

    they've been rewriting my job description without telling me then using my failure to live up to it as an excuse for getting rid of me

    i don't matter

    26 years of service don't matter

    half of my life doesn't matter

    maybe the rest of it doesn't matter either
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 15, 2010
  6. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Is this a discrimination case? Do they know why you were on disability and are they treating you unfairly because of it? Just wondering, because if you believe it is, contact an attorney so that you have the documentation you need to move foward...J
  7. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    i'm one of the last of the "old guard" from when my little company was bought out who didn't make the transition to management

    and now the company focus has shifted even more toward the bottomline so i'm walking around with target on my back

    and there are no other jobs there for me

    i'm sure if i tried to sue they would find and document some other reason for getting rid of me

    i'm dead here

    may as well let the reality match
  8. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am not suggesting that you sue now, but if terminated, you should have the situation well documented in case you do wish to persue something
  9. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    doesn't matter

    i get fired, i lose the house, health insurance, ability to take care of my family, everything

    so i have to die before i get fired, while i still have life insurance to give everyone else a chance at a fresh start
  10. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    you haven't been fired yet, so there is no use in tormenting yourself about it.

    yeah, the company sounds like they're jerks anyway

    you'll be able to get unemployment checks and also look for a new job. you should be able to pay into your health and life insurance plans.

    I don't thing life insurance will cover you in the case of suicide.

    Talking to your family might help.

    Were you on disability for depression?

    Have you had therapy or medical treatment?

    It would probably devastate your family if you committed suicide.

    Now is a good time to connect with and get support from people that you know, and from a therapist.

    Your situation may not be as bleak as you think it is!
  11. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    meds - don't work

    therapy - doesn't work

    unemployment tops out at a fraction of what i take home

    insurance buy-in would run $1,750 a month

    there are no jobs for me - been looking for years

    already checked the riders on my insurance and i'm well past the suicide clauses
  12. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    these things do work for many people. Are you saying this from the perspective of having never tried them, or from the perspective of having tried them but found that they were ineffective?

    I think people often have to try different drugs before they find ones that are best for them.

    Some therapists are better than others

    I've heard good things about electro-convulvise therapy, could be worth checking out if you haven't already

    I also think that acupunture can help.

    it would really devastate your family if you killed yourself.
  13. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I'm not much help echo but I want you to keep on trying....:arms:
  14. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    all the therapy and the drugs in the world won't change the fact that i won't be able to care for my family, that i will have failed them in my primary responsibility as a husband and a father

    i can't live with that any more

    i just can't
  15. flyingdutchmen

    flyingdutchmen Well-Known Member

    Echo i was wondering if you have ever been official diagnozed with something ? I am not sure how it works in the states but over here with a diagnose you have more rights/privileges, for example with an official asperger diagnose for me, it would be 1. harder to fire me for an employer, 2. It would be harder to make me do jobs that i am uncomfortable with due to my ilness and 3. It would be easyer for me to enjoy certain gov benefits. Offcourse this is not realy the solution but how is this is the States and do you have an diagnose ? Offcourse being diagnozed means lotsa testing and counseling which i know you are uncomfortable with, but perhaps you are missing out on something ?
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 15, 2010
  16. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    well, wait a minute. What exactly is your job? You might be able to get consulting or temporary jobs.

    Also, I'm guessing that you probably have more wealth than 80-90% of the human race. From your perspective, you might be broke, but you're not worrying about where your next meal is going to come from. That's something to think about.

    You may see your own value as being directly connected to your income, but your true value to your family might be something more than just a pay check.

    Why not talk to them? They might be more supportive of you than you think. Telling them that you are having trouble now would be a hell of a lot less of a stress than just finding your body somewhere.

    Also, getting therapy could put you in a much better position to get a job or keep your current one.

    Let's say you're right and your employer is setting you up to fire you. You could have a heart to heart with your boss, explain that you're depressed but that you are going to try treatment, ask them if they can keep you on to see if things get better when you get treated. Just a thought. Sad Eyes, if you're out there, maybe you could comment on this?

    Let's say you sold your house. Assuming that you don't owe more on a mortgage than the sale price and aren't otherwise in debt, you could live like a king in a place like Thailand or Indonesia (Phillipines?) for a few hundred dollars a month. House on the beach. Maybe do some consulting work via the internet.

    Oh, and a hospital like Bumrungrad in Bangkok is world class, many westerns travel there just to get treatment.

    Just a thought.

    It also sounds like you may not be too far from being able to collect retirement benefits as well.

    I have the feeling that you may have some lucky stars that you haven't counted.
  17. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    echo your primary responsibility is to stay around and be a husband and father...your family would want you more than anything else i'm sure..
  18. kote

    kote Account Closed

    although ive not been in your shoes and cant compare the pain you are suffering now. im hear listening to you.

    i suffered a nervous/mental breakdown due to work and i fought it all the way only just to burn bridges and be isolated and singled out as a trouble maker.

    i gave it my all to my job and i can honestly say i was the best around.

    anyway i finished the contract and couldnt work anymore. the transfer of authority in the home to my wife was a difficult one for my ego but she understood and loves me and we live for our kids.

    we are living paycheque to paycheque with me being a huge drain.

    but its a sickness ive got and they/i just havent found the cure yet.

    ive tried working again 5 times butsuffered flashbacks, panic attacks, and imovability in the mornings. really soul destroying.

    but the best thing to come out of it was to stop fighting, i woke up one day and said to myself im actually sick!!! i need peace and quiet to recover. no matter what the cost its better to be in bed than dead.

    we are in serious debt because of me and i feel guilty beyond belief. but i continue to make little steps for my family.

    your wealth is really in your health and that of your family. suicide wuld destroy them forever. think of your love and not a company you bent over backwards for.

    thats wat compaies and society does - they screw with you until your limit and if you cant take it, fresh meat will.

    now this is very important. you are you. not your job, not your company. and you arent feeling well. now if you had he flu i'd say go home and rest in bed for a week.

    what we have is mental problems - not easily treatable as every situation i different. but to stay arm and in bed and pass the responsibilities to your significant other may be best. explain to them how you are and how terrible you feel and you need their help.

    we are here to support you when it gets really bad.

    just remember your health is your wealth!!! everyone at home needs you even if you are just putting on a face for your kids. this is what i do. i also try little steps.

    i know im never going to work im the same field as before as im completly messed up in the head about it and all the fighting i did.

    please relax into a new frame of mind an a new lifestyle - it wont be as good as before but think of the family and quality time.

    i wish you all the best and feel sad that you are feeing so bad especially when you have helped so many here. you are literally a life saver. now its tme to save yours. start fresh. there may not be the luxeries as before but at least you family will be intact and together and closer.

    take care and feel free to pm me and coping with the change if it comes to that.

    i will be thinking of you and worrying about you so dont go off the radar please.
  19. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    i feel the same. i have failed at work and at life. i am facing living in a gutter. death, for me, is the only option.
  20. kote

    kote Account Closed

    how are you feeling today?
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