losing mom destroyed me for life

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by nakedbodi, Aug 4, 2006.

  1. nakedbodi

    nakedbodi Member

    Losing my mother in suicide when I was 18 was the utmost turning point of my life. She had given me a party on my 18th birthday, and more than a month later, she killed herself. When she started having seizure at 2 am of November 3, 1992, my father thought she was having a heart attack. My brother and I thought that she was putting an act again to scare us and get what she wanted (mainly to get my father’s apology – they had a fight that night and night before because of her unending jealousy). She was like that -- always manipulating her husband and her children by “When I die…” conversations and she always feigned illnesses.

    My father brought her to the hospital. My brother and I went back to sleep with a feeling of irritation. When I woke up at 8 am, I saw my father turning all the garbage cans upside down, looking for something. When I ask him what is it that he was looking at, he just shook his head. Minutes later, he sat down on a chair and told me that the doctors suspected that my mom overdosed herself, and that they need to know what kind of medicine she swallowed with beer.

    I don’t feel anything… maybe I was thinking that everything’s going to be okay and that she probably took just a little to make my dad suffer.

    At noon, on the way to the hospital, one of my aunts told us that my mother was not going to make it. That she was going to die and my father didn’t have any idea of the true situation. They were afraid of what my dad would do once he learned, afraid that he, too, would kill himself.

    So as the eldest of two siblings and the one of legal age, I make it my duty to shelter my father. My mother remained in the hospital for two and a half days. Imagine… just imagine what it felt to see her… lying in bed… with tubes in her nose and her mouth and needles in her flesh… all the while knowing that there’s no way in hell that she’s going to live another day without all those things attached to her body… and that my father didn’t have a clue.

    On the afternoon of November 5, 1992, my paternal relatives took my father away from the hospital. To where, I do not know. The doctor has been telling us to talk to our mom because even though she’s in a comma, she can still hear us. That last time I talked to her, I badmouthed her, I cursed her and told her to die and let us get on with our lives. After that, I signed the hospital waiver absolving the hospital of any responsibility for the release of my mother, while my brother, only 16, was crying, begging me not to sign the papers. I closed my ears. With steady hands, I signed my name.

    We got mom home. Three minutes after we laid her to bed, she was gone. And my father was not even there. I was calm. I even dyed her hair and clean her nails. No tears in my eyes when everyone around me was crying. Then, my father arrived. Crying, he kissed my mother on her lips (the first time I ever saw my parents kissed) and told her: “I don’t know what else to do. Now you can face Him (God, he meant), and ask him if I’ve ever been unfaithful to you.”

    That’s the first time I cried.

    On my mother’s wake, I cried twice. I don’t know why, but when I saw two people on two different nights (one was not even close to me), I just burst in tears. Then the burial came. I want to cry, even just for the sake of the people who were expecting me to cry, but I can’t no matter how I tried.

    February 15, 1995 was my first breakdown. When I learned that the youngest brother of my mother was dead, I just shrugged my shoulder and told my dad that it was his own doing. He was an irresponsible drunk even though he knew that he had hypertension, heart ailment and lung problems. I didn’t know that I hit home. He was found hanging on the ceiling, four-five hours dead. I dropped to my knees and for the first time in my life… I wailed! My father just hugged me, knowing that the pain is not for the uncle I don’t care much, but for the mother I loved and hated and loved and hated…

    May 13th of this year, the brother who found him hanging on the ceiling disappeared. His family has every reason to believe that he was going to commit suicide. He attempted once, only he was caught in time. May 14th, Sunday morning, he was found… floating in the river and dead.

    And the cycle begins again. All the grief and anguish comes rushing back. The feeling of wanting to kill myself grew stronger. Is it in the genes? Is it in me? I am afraid to end up like them… but there were times when the temptation was so strong I find myself almost in the edge of doing it.

    I have no one to turn to. My father refuses to talk about it. My brother dismisses my ill-feelings and tells me to pray for strength. My partner told me to forgive, let go and get on with my life (that easy…).

    But going on is different from getting by.

    Someone help me. I am falling, and as much as I am loved, there was no one at the bottom to catch me.
     
  2. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    nakedbodi,
    your post is so well written and thought out. I am very glad that you felt safe enough to share and purge your burdens. I can relate that you are afraid of the cycle continueing and pulling you down. My grandfather killed himself. No one else since. I think of being next.
    I hope you do grieve for your mother. You have been strong for your brother and father. take care of YOU too. You are valuable.
    Thank you for sharing your pain, expereiences and heart. I pray that you gather encouragement, strength from this site and from individuals that have been there. Some things you do not forget, and we may not understand for a long long time.
    Thinking of you,

    TLA
     
  3. rowanne

    rowanne Guest

    in the chat you left befor i could type so this was my answer to the fact that your saving my life



    nakedbodi i am a mom of a 14 year old daughter and struggle to go on every day. and i always think she will be better off without me especially days like today when she said she needed a break from me but iiasa i thank you . for now this moment
     
  4. nakedbodi

    nakedbodi Member


    Thank you, Rowanne. It's a big deal to me to know that somehow, I helped you rethink of your decision. The truth of the matter is no mother and daughter gets along specially during the adolescence age. Sometimes, even after that age. I hope sometimes, you try to think like your daughter. The common mistake of most moms was thinking that mother knows best. Maybe they do, but there's a gentle and loving way to tell your daughter that.
     
  5. Lou

    Lou Well-Known Member

    I cried reading your post, How very sad.

    I just want you to know i'm here if you ever want to talk.

    {{{hugs}}} to you x
     
  6. Luliby

    Luliby Staff Alumni

    I am sorry for all the loss and grief you have endured over many years. It must have felt good to get that out though, to write it and express it? Sometimes journaling really helps.

    Depression can be genetic. Have you or anyone in your family seen a doctor for depression?
     
  7. Casey.

    Casey. Well-Known Member

    Please know that things are going to get much better. Please know that things aren't always going to be this shitty...
    One of my friends killed herself back in April, which brought on the death of her brother, Gulliver. I'm here if you want to talk, I dont want to pry...
    Please let me know if there's anything I can do.
     
  8. kittie kat

    kittie kat Active Member

    Speachless as I am, I can say that I am more then happy to talk to you and analise your state, and your feelings.
    I know its hard. But I cant say anything just like that to make you feel better. It needs time. But I swear it will end. Just be patient. And turn for help.
    Sometimes when you are on the edge talking with people just dont do it anymore. You should take some medecins, and you should be conviced that you want to change your state.

    Take in consideration to try medications:
    I assure you none of them will make you addicted. You can stop any of them in a matter of time and with reason in your head.
    For starters, visit a shrink. Expect him to give you some Prozac (maybe straight for 2 pills/day). It needs one month (according to each dose there's different timing) to kick in your blood and to show the effects though.
    Maybe at that time, u will get on some Deansit. It will make you sleepy and shivery. You will hate your self for a while. HAve some friends to assist you, to keep your spirit up in at the time, or even me, contact me.
    And some Camcolit (Lithium) to let you think proparly and just to let you relax.
    If you have trouble sleeping, you can take some: Nutra Sleep. It's very light. Based on herbs so it won't affect your body. Where I live it doesnt need a medical prescription.
     
  9. nakedbodi

    nakedbodi Member

    I am sorry that I haven't get in touch lately. I am trying to have a wonderful life, and in a way, I was happier these last few days that I've been in months. Selfishly, I don't want to be bothered by depressing thoughts, even though I knew it never ceased to exist. I hope you understand.
    It's my birthday last Sept 15. I am 32. My age do not depress me, but the memories that came along with those 32 years remind me that I am really getting older by the year... and by getting older, it means that one by one, I will be losing the people I love. I've lost so many and my birthday is bringing me so many threatening thoughts.
    Lately, I've been obsessed with health, life and memorial insurances. Health because I'm seeing so many doctors (excluding the psychiatrist) because of my health issues. I don't want to be a burden to the people I love if an attack came along. Life because I want my father to be left better off with my death, if finally it takes me. People around me started getting scared, but I keep telling them that's its only normal to want to be prepared when I die. It is normal, isn't it? Happily, I'm not thinking of harming myself in anyway, at least not yet. Not that I am expecting to do it in the future. But it happened before. I'm just trying harder not to let it happen again.
    I should not be in this forum. I'm just rambling my thoughts. Anyway, just want to tell you guys that I'm still alive... and thank you for bearing with me during those days when I am so down. Without your encouragement, I don't know where I'll be today.
     
  10. nakedbodi

    nakedbodi Member

    Oh, by the way... I just want to share with you all how happy my birthday turned out to be.

    I know that my partner is planning a surprise birthday party for me. I warned her that if she go on with it, I will go somewhere where they can't find me. I just don't want the extra expense, not when the business is not going so well. But when I learned that she already invited people (some are clients), I know we can't cancel. So rather than picking up a fight, I just gave her a limit of how much to spend (even if it's her salary she's spending for me).

    Dinner came. She used to tell me that having a celebration is also a marketing strategy, where you can bond with your clients and make them see that you're not only good with what you do but also as a person and an employer. It's building good pro and personal relationship, she said. So more or less, I know already who are the people she invited.

    But surprise, surprise! Even my old friends, friends I lost in touch with over the years, some over a decade, came. I don't know how she found them. I don't even know where some of them lives. My golly, she is good, doing months (?) of research despite our heavy schedule. And I almost started a fight with her because of the party!

    Isn't she wonderful? Life is really so good these days.
     
  11. Lonz

    Lonz Active Member

    After my friend died, I felt so down, I wondered if I wanted to live. Not for long, but it crossed my mind. I guess, people are so much of our lives, when some depart, we ask, "What's left?" But, I know there will be a future. I hope I live long enough to help someone who is down, and be a better friend than I was to my lost friend. Rather than let it kill me, I'll learn from it.

    We gotta stay positive, or it's just a vicious cycle.

    Lonz
     
  12. ealdc

    ealdc Guest

    Your post made me cry too. I think depression does run in the family. I think your brothers should take you seriously, and I shake my head as to why they don't.

    My father's uncle killed himself. He is the only one in my family that I know of who has. Alcoholism runs in my family extensively on my fathers side. My dad's mom was an alcoholic, but she gave it up. My dad's dad was but he died, and my dad is. His brothers and sisters are too, but they all gave it up, knowing that it literally ruins lives. My grandfather was also depressed, but never diagnosed, my dad is depressed but hasn't been diagnosed and my dad's sister is depressed and has been diagnosed. And I am depressed.

    I think you are right in coming here. You will get help and support here, but I bet if you go to a psychologist and doctor and tell them about your situation, they will take you seriously. Good luck!!