Losing Momentum

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Forgotten_Man, May 9, 2011.

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  1. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I am not sure where to put this thread so it ends up here. I think my batteries are running out. I know that I have not been the most sympathetic or active forum member... yet I come here to get the love that I am lacking in real life. So if this in the wrong place please move it... or hell just flat out delete it.

    I guess the question becomes where do I begin? I know I have posted this earlier, but it has been a year since I started my weight loss program... I am not where I want to be with it. I think this is one of my triggering events. A whole year I have dedicated myself to losing weight. I have lost weight, more weight than I have ever lost before. I do not even have to unbutton my size 42 pants any more. However, my goals are vain. That was to be expected... however I just want to be thin. Well more than just thin, but that is the start. It feels like it will be another year before I even accomplish that goal.

    I think that is where I am falling short again... as I see this goal taking twice as long as I had originally planned, despite all my work. God only knows how long the hard part of my plan is going to take. That part is me becoming socially and sexually active. I am starting from scratch. How I even managed to meet the female who started up my dark libido is beyond me. I have no idea what I am doing. Plus I am horribly shy and self-hating. So I have to overcome all of that. On top of that I have to figure out how to beomce attractive....

    I don't know I guess I feel like if I take any more than 5 years... well 4 years now to complete this then there is no point I have wasted the best years of my life. After all what kind of female wants to be with 30+ something guy who has the aspirations of a high school guy right? I will just be cast to society as an immature guy who never grew up.

    I guess I feel like I have been climbing forever, and all I see is a wall of rock and clouds. I know I have not been as diligent as I could have been... I took weekends off from my diet. I got drunk, I lied around in self-hate (a good example of now). I do not know how much that hindered me. I know that I have myself to blame for my failure. I guess my point is I am running out of steam.

    I was able to keep a sprint of optimism up for a year. I said I have made this choice... we all make choices.. blah blah blah.. I kept on saying that it will all be worth it in the end... blah blah blah... I need patience these things take time. However now I stand here seeing.. well no real movement.

    Why did I make this thread.... I guess I am fishing for compliments... I am also looking for a light at the end of this tunnel. Maybe a voice to cheer me on. Something to help me find some kind of strength or a new wind. I know in the end only I can do this... I know I have come here for support as well... and have recieved it... however... well certian realizations have hit me hard since I moved back into my own apartment. The main one being how incredibly isolated I am... how very alone I am in this struggle. So I need to know that there is something... or maybe nothing... maybe I need to fill up my car and let it run me to sleep in my garage...

    Thanks for the time you put towards reading this thread.
     
  2. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Hey FM..I think you've done amazingly well to have stuck with your weight loss program for a whole year..well done..:cool:
    *pats FM on back*

    if you can make it this far i have faith that you can keep going.
    just have faith in yourself ok
    *still patting FM on back*

    and you've moved house which is a really stressful event in life so give yourself time to settle in..

    I remember the stress your flatmate caused you so now you're free of him make the most of your solitude.. (no more farting on your pillows eh:rolleyes:)

    gotta keep that positive self talk happening...hard I know

    how did you keep yourself motivated for the first year?
    what did you tell yourself?

    you aren't alone FM..you have us..:smile:

    and no filling the car up and doing that ..its not the answer!!..

    take care of yourself ..:wub::arms:
     
  3. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    You ask what sort of woman would want to be with a 30+ something guy?

    Well, maybe a 30+ something women. Maybe someone a bit younger or older. There are millions sitting at home right now who would be glad to have a man like you.

    Friend of mine is a size 40 I think - but he does not care about losing weight. He has always had success with women also. That said, you must have been a big lad if you've slimmed way to a size 42 - and your now only a few sizes away from being the average size.

    Depends on your height also - a big man could carry weight better, smaller men maybe struggle with carrying it.

    You've done well though - and should continue to lose weight. I could do with putting on a few pounds if anything - but just exercising so you are fit is the real aim. Or should be.

    Don't worry about self hate - its just an off-spin of depression and your making a real effort to get into shape so your own self image will alter when you get into a size 38 - which is pretty much average.

    Exercise a little - tone up so when you lose the weight you will feel OK wearing a T Shirt or sun bathing, swimming and so on.

    What you need is confidence - to feel OK about yourself. I'd say a size 42 and going down is a great achievement and all you need now is to get your mind settled - take your meds if you use them or change them if they are not working.

    I can be shy myself with romance only - sometimes. Many men are this way - but I'm sure that you'll meet someone who get along with and you'll come out of yourself. I've seen plenty of very shy people in work gradually come out of themselves. Plenty of people see shyness as a endearing feature in some ways. At a party, you notice the loud girl wearing some joke hat and dancing on the table - but you also notice the quieter girl in the corner. People who it takes while to get to know are usually more interesting.

    I know its hard to stay positive, but what you are doing is a positive thing and I'm sure that it WILL all be worth it in the end.

    Try to get some others interests going again - any passions you have, art, music, studying and so on. Bettering yourself through knowledge makes you better person to be with. Of course you need to get well again - because the weight is one thing (more or less cracked that one) but how you feel inside yourself is another thing.

    Bear in mind that many woman have been through trials similar to you - many people feel like their lives are not worth living and sometimes, maybe all it needs is two of them to bump into each other.

    Keep the faith bro - lose that weight, be healthy, but have a few drinks now and again as a reward IF you like a social drink.

    You got plenty of time left to fall in love. Age does matter when that happens - because it feels just as good as it does in your teens when your are thirty, forty, fifty and, yes, even your grand parents might well be 'close' to each other.

    You are still a young man.

    So am I!

    Good luck and God Bless.
     
  4. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @IV2010: I guess I have... when I look at things it has only been about 315 days that I kept my diet. Between being sick and getting lazy and losing all self-control. It is not that I cannot commit to it still. I am still following the diet... sometimes I skip the exercise... I don't know.. sometimes.. just seems like a hassle when the only benefit is a temporary boost in my mood.

    Yeah, my old roommate sure took to forgetting I am around though. I still have his vacuum and am still holding things for him. Not that I blame him... the quiet is nice, I will say that. I just wish he was not such a punk when I asked him to move stuff. I have to sift through his mess still. However, not having him around is nice. :mhmm: feels good to not have to worry about whether or not I am wearing pants in my apartment.

    :sweat: what did I say indeed... many things... some about how I will be with hot females... another whole revenge fantasy on my ex after my change... many things... <_< none that would inspire really any sympathy if said here...

    Thanks... I know that I have the support of the people here when I need it... I just feel selfish... I do not really offer help to anyone else... I will do my best to keep out of my car for now. thanks :hug:

    @peacelovingguy: Yeah I guess 30+ females want males of a similar age... problem is that most of them expect a male with real relationship experience... not someone like me who really only wants the one thing... no female really wants a male who has no interest is spawning or marriage either.

    As for your friend... yeah a size 40 can be big or average. I do not know... all I know is that by most every body fat measuring system. I have been through them all, BMI, 3 skin fold and 7 skin fold I come out as obese or above athletic or average or whatever. My last measurement, which was a 7 fold measurement had me at about 23% body fat. Which is just shy of average... which I think is like 21% or 22%. Not to mention athletic, which is where I want to be, is closer to 15% or 16% Then again maybe I am looking for reasons to hate myself...The problem I have with clothing is that the actual size varies by store. In some stores I was a 36 in others a 42... back when I was larger. My 38 pants fit comfortably now.

    >_> Yeah I want more confidence with my shirt off... I refuse to go to pools and stuff during the day... one reason being to protect my skin. >_< Sun damage causes cancer and premature aging. Another is so that people cannot see me... then again... they have fixed a lot of the lighting in the hot tub pool area of my apartment complex. I miss the days when it was darkness. With the rising number of people with vision problems it was easy to be confident that they would not see my grossness.

    <_< deep down I know it is confidence which holds me back. :sigh: I just cannot bring myself to believe I am worth anything. Especially considering the circumstances that I came get with my ex...:sad: Lets just say that the first penis that came along happened to be me.

    I know what I am doing is a positive thing. However, much like using an old computer a positive thing loses its luster with time. I am not looking to reap the benefits when I am 40... I won't make it to that age if I do not start having the success I desire...

    My problem is that a desire for love and companionship does not drive my interest in females. My libido and my libido alone drives that interest. I am young I am not interested in getting to know someone and fall in love with them. I am interested in one thing. My interests fads quickly why my libido goes unsatisfied. I really have no interest in love... love is what brought me to my current state. In all honesty there is really only one thing missing in my life, and that thing is not really love.

    I know I am young... however... it feels like my mind is age too quickly... feels like if I do not accomplish anything in the next year or two... well.. my mind will just shut down... Thanks for the reply.
     
  5. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    A year doesn't sound like a sprint to me. To keep it up that long sounds like you've begun making real progress.
     
  6. aerosol

    aerosol Member

    I don't think anyone would ever call you immature. Don't worry about that.
    You seem like a very mature person to me, based on what you've said here.

    I've had problems with food as well. Well, I still do. it never really goes away, does it?

    Hmm... I'm tired so I don't have much else to say tonight, but feel free to talk to me.

    Sounds like you need some confidence and self-love. You seem cool so you definitely needn't worry about these things!

    Hugs,
    aerosol
     
  7. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey FM, You have taken huge steps to better your life.. Don't give up now.. Hell I thought I was doing good just dropping from a size 44 to a 42..BUt I ma 6'3 so it only looks like I have a basketball under my shirt.. Keep up the good work.. And don't be so hard on yourself.. You have made some changes in your life and you need time to adjust..
     
  8. Push

    Push Well-Known Member

    :hug: I agree with what everyone has said. :hug:
     
  9. brituc1

    brituc1 Member

    Growing up I was always heavy. By my senior year of high school I weighed over 280lbs and wore a size 44 waist. I finally buckled down with diet and excercise. It took me close to two years, but I dropped down to 170lbs and after that I've stayed between 170 and 180lbs. Your doing a great job, just stick with it and I guarantee you wont regret it.
     
  10. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @Stranger1: I am not going to give up... not like I have in the past... maybe I just need to drag myself through this. I guess all my cloths are nice and baggy so no one notices that I am still not where I want to be.

    @aerosol: I guess I can make all my goals seem mature and noble... but that is only if I sit down and explain them to people... at a first impression I am probably going to look like a frat boy who never grew up.

    I wish I know how to get confidence and self-love... that mystery alludes me so often.

    @Adam Kadmon: I guess I am just comparing this feeling to how I feel after my cardio. Where I can barely walk and breath... I just hate how my changes have only really just begun...
     
  11. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    A few years ago I lost shed loads of weight very quickly - too quickly and i put it all back on. I am now back on the programme and taking it slowly and steady. I believe that is the best way. A diet that doesn't allow for treats or splurges is also unrealistic - plan to have occasional treats.

    I also want to say that being thin didn't make me happy - you have to learn to love your self not just your appearance. I'll let you know if I ever crack that one!!!

    xxx
     
  12. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I am sure that being thin will help.. my fat has been one of my main causes of low self-esteem. It gets especially hard when I want to cosplay... most anime guys are really skinny and ripped... and I kind of bash of fat females for cosplaying skinny sexy anime characters... I am trying to lead by example.

    :mhmm: 2 lbs as week has been my goal. Well that varies as well... I may lose fat and build muscle... I do not have an accurate way to measure body fat on my own.
     
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