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Losing More Every Day

Wrick Malcof

Well-Known Member
#1
I just don't feel like there's anything for me on Earth anymore. I barely ever want anything. The only drive I have isn't even my own. If I cut my life short, I cause immeasurable pain and suffering to dozens of people who don't deserve it. I refuse to bring such atrocity on people who only ever made the mistake of caring about me. I refuse to contribute to the cold callousness of the universe that scorns us.

But that refusal takes strength. Strength that wanes and wanes until your mind has cracked. Strength I am running exhaustingly low on. At some point my strength will fail and I will break under the pressure of my circumstances. Everything fades in the end.
 

Dante

SF Supporter
#2
When i was at my worst I always thought my strength would run out, and each time I thought it had, it turned out that there is a whole lot more to human endurance than I thought, I just hadn't had the occasion to find out before that point, and I always somehow found JUST enough to keep going. Strength doesnt really run out, you just stop fighting.

If it helps, one thing I fell back on which helped me was this:
"If everything I do has the same feeling of dull disinterest and deep pain, then I can do ANYTHING and it wont affect me, so why not use this as a sort of super power to help those I care about beyond the point where I would normally find it tedious or offputting to keep trying, because EVERYTHING is tedious or offputting now so whats the difference. Do good with it."
I ended up doing quite some good, I supported a friend through a rough breakup, I helped a woman in bad times by cooking her meals, getting medicine, encouraging her, just anything she needed, even though she didnt want to be a burden, she needed the help, I even helped my sister get through depression, anxiety and exams, and that validation of being objectively and measurably worth something is a powerful tool if you can capture it.

I recommend it.
 

Wrick Malcof

Well-Known Member
#3
When i was at my worst I always thought my strength would run out, and each time I thought it had, it turned out that there is a whole lot more to human endurance than I thought, I just hadn't had the occasion to find out before that point, and I always somehow found JUST enough to keep going. Strength doesnt really run out, you just stop fighting.

If it helps, one thing I fell back on which helped me was this:
"If everything I do has the same feeling of dull disinterest and deep pain, then I can do ANYTHING and it wont affect me, so why not use this as a sort of super power to help those I care about beyond the point where I would normally find it tedious or offputting to keep trying, because EVERYTHING is tedious or offputting now so whats the difference. Do good with it."
I ended up doing quite some good, I supported a friend through a rough breakup, I helped a woman in bad times by cooking her meals, getting medicine, encouraging her, just anything she needed, even though she didnt want to be a burden, she needed the help, I even helped my sister get through depression, anxiety and exams, and that validation of being objectively and measurably worth something is a powerful tool if you can capture it.

I recommend it.
I fail to see how my post at all implies I don't do any good. I only output positivity and kindness in my day to day. I help as often as possible and sacrifice what I can for the good of those in my life. It would seem what validates you does not validate me. Strength does fail. You aren't actually trying to imply human beings are emotionally and mentally indestructible are you? Do you honestly think that 100% of people who have committed suicide have just decided to stop fighting? In my opinion that is grossly ignorant
 

Champagne

✯✯ Heart of an angel ✯✯
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#4
Hi @Wrick Malcof you have a huge heart. How do I know that for sure? You are not a selfish person and do not want to inflict pain on others who would never get over your death. I admire that.

I'm not sure what to advise but want you to know I read this and I do give a damn that you are running low on steam, what has helped you out of this in the past? Are you close to anyone in particular? Maybe keep doing the things you enjoy hoping that it will lift your mood and strength up. We get it. *hug

SF is here for you through good and bad even if we don't always know the right words or have a solution.
 

1964dodge

Has a frog in the family
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#5
i'm sorry that you're suffering so much right now @Wrick Malcof it isn't fair. i think what @Dante was saying that if you help others it shows a certain strength he was not trying to insult you in any way.

and i do understand how you lose strength sometimes. i'm usually strong enough to keep going but sometimes i falter. that's when you need family and friends to help you regain your strength. i hope you keep talking because we are listening to you and we do care...mike...*hug*shake
 

Wrick Malcof

Well-Known Member
#6
Hi @Wrick Malcof you have a huge heart. How do I know that for sure? You are not a selfish person and do not want to inflict pain on others who would never get over your death. I admire that.

I'm not sure what to advise but want you to know I read this and I do give a damn that you are running low on steam, what has helped you out of this in the past? Are you close to anyone in particular? Maybe keep doing the things you enjoy hoping that it will lift your mood and strength up. We get it. *hug

SF is here for you through good and bad even if we don't always know the right words or have a solution.
There really isn't anything. I let it all out here when it gets too much, and then I march silently onward. I like to think I'm close to some people, but they aren't really that close to me.
 

Dante

SF Supporter
#7
I fail to see how my post at all implies I don't do any good. I only output positivity and kindness in my day to day. I help as often as possible and sacrifice what I can for the good of those in my life. It would seem what validates you does not validate me. Strength does fail. You aren't actually trying to imply human beings are emotionally and mentally indestructible are you? Do you honestly think that 100% of people who have committed suicide have just decided to stop fighting? In my opinion that is grossly ignorant
Im sorry, I didnt mean to imply any of that, especially the part where people only killed themselves because they give up, I just meant in my experience people have a far FAR greater capacity to hold on than we ever imagined before we had to try, I meant it as an encouragement, essentially that you are stronger than you think. I also only suggested throwing your all into helping others as from the unfortunately many people I have known with depression (including myself) it has been a disabling thing, they dont usually have the motivation to do much of anything, I was merely trying to help give that motivation.
Again, sorry for the misunderstanding.
 

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