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Losing my hair and my soul together

#1
Hi all,

It's been almost a little more than a year since I was here on SF. And what a year it's been. For me, it's only gotten worse, and I wish I wasn't here saying this but I truly have nowhere else to say it, so again here I am. I am sorry to those looking for encouragement that life is worth it on here, I think for some ppl it rly is but for me it is not. After all the issues I've gone through in my life, from having an ED to body image issues to self esteem issues, life decided to give me another one. I started losing my hair rapidly about two years ago. It has progressed significantly over the last two years, and along with it has become scalp pain and itchiness and loss of my original curl pattern as well as a change in my hair texture. I now have 1/5 of the hair I did, many bald spots, and I feel utterly completely disgusting.Ive been to 3 dermatologists and finally the third one confirmed that I have androgenetic alopecia. I really was hoping for an easy solution, some big foreboding reason as to why this is happening to me. But there is none, and I think its god's (I'm not even religious lol) way of telling me to just be done with it and get off this earth. After I've made so many threats to the world, maybe it's finally time to act on them and stop being a useless wimp. I am hideous, ugly, disgusting, gross, and will never be the same again. Another huge factor in this is that I'm a junior in college, but I decided not to apply yo vet school and now I feel lost and hopeless. I don't really know what I'm doing. Ive been getting rejected left and right from all the opportunities I have been attempting to pursue, and I am realizing the problem is me and how I appear and how I am perceived. Maybe the reason I can't move forward in life is bc I'm not supposed to. Ive been slowly isolating myself from ppl I know, I deleted all social media, and I avoid mirrors religiously. Life is getting harder and harder each day. I hate waking up and the only time I know peace is when I'm sleeping. I don't contribute anything to others around me, and I think for the sake of everything it is finally just time to accept I am a horrible ugly malformed thing that won't ever receive love or true connection from anyone. At this point, there is nothing in life keeping me here. All I can think about though, is how painful ending it will be. I'm so so scared and right now that's the metal handcuff attaching me to life. But I think I will overcome it. At this point being alive is more painful than if I were not. there is nothing left for me. I hope soon I find the courage.
 

Lady Wolfshead

Freethinker at large
#2
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I've read some of your past posts as well, to get more of a sense of your situation. I don't know your gender but androgenetic alopecia can be treated in many cases. I assume you have done research into this. I have a female friend who received laser treatments she felt helped thicken her hair - the only catch is they were quite expensive. Rogaine also works for many people.

I also know two women who wear wigs on a consistent basis. The stigma isn't nearly as much as it used to be. There are good inexpensive wigs - go on Youtube and there is lots of information and advice.

There are also numerous products that are safe (and don't contribute to hair loss) that add thickness and color to the hair and conceal bald spots. Two that come to mind are the Caboki (my husband uses it for special occasions) and Derm match.

I want to tell you I really identify with your posts. The majority of people would probably consider me unattractive and I actually wrote a rant about it on here at https://www.suicideforum.com/community/threads/the-ugly-woman-speaks-out.170148/

And you know what? IT ONLY MATTERS BECAUSE WE LET IT MATTER. People's opinion is for shit. Most people are shallow. Young people especially tend to judge on what they see on TV and the Internet which is highly selective and often just fake. Models who've had an hour of careful makeup application by professionals. Actors who spend 10+ hours per week in the gym and then undergo body makeup to look even more muscular and trim. Social Media photos or videos that use filters to smooth the skin and narrow the face.

I am certain that you will find friends and also a significant other if you desire one. The one great thing about people is that they are incredibly diverse - everyone's taste is different. You are only 20 and why end your life before it has even begun? Pursue vet studies or find something else you wouldn't mind doing for a living. I do recommend not leaving school until you have some kind of career. If you haven't found your passion, you may find it later but get qualified in something so you can have a decent living. Just try to look your best and don't give up. I am wishing you the best best ((((((hug)))))
 

A_J_R

Well-Known Member
#3
HI @ays, I haven't read your other posts but I was touched by this (and by @Lady Wolfshead's thoughtful response). I don't have much to add, but I'm so very sorry you feel so lost and so unworthy of being here. I can tell by reading your post you are incredibly sensitive. Am I right you wanted to become a veterinarian? Are you looking for other work with animals? I know I find a lot of solace with pets and little creatures. They are kind and love unconditionally. You could use a little of that.

I know it's easy for me to tell you to be kind to yourself, and much harder to do, but I hope you can find some peace for yourself. Sending love.
 

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