Losing My Humanity

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by JV3, Aug 4, 2012.

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  1. JV3

    JV3 Well-Known Member

    Things definitely took a turn for the worse tonight. I lost the one thing giving me a sense of joy and purpose, I also lost one of the few real friends I had left. I don't even know how to react. I am so intensely upset on the inside but I can't make myself cry like I want or need to. I just feel numb. I don't even feel like a person anymore. I've gotten so used to disappointment and abandonment that it just is expected, but still every time it happens I just get closer and closer. On the long drive home tonight all I could think about was how much of a failure I am and how I have no future. I wanted to run my car off the road so bad. I have to really talk myself out of it now.

    I need something good to happen in my life real soon or I'm afraid I'll get to the point where when I get triggered I won't have the self-control to stop myself. I'm closer to that point than I ever have been. There more I feel numb and lose my touch will "good" emotions, the more I feel detached from feeling guilty about the possibility of killing myself....
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun you can make good friends here hun you are better wtihout ones that bring you down ok You keep reaching out here you keep talking and soon you will see you are not alone anymore hugs
     
  3. exkend

    exkend Well-Known Member

    Hello, I'm sorry to hear how much pain your in. Could you share what you have lost, was a loved one?

    God Bless
     
  4. JV3

    JV3 Well-Known Member

    I don't want to get too deep into the details because it's very "religious" and I know that's a touchy subject for many.

    I didn't lose a loved one as in, someone died. I just lost my last "real" friend. She was the last link I had to my "good" past.

    On Friday nights I play music somewhere, and I really love it. She's the one who got me the gig, but she abruptly backed out, as well as sort of ended our friendship in the process. It was the one thing I looked forward to every week. It was the last glimmer of hope I had. Now I don't really have anything positive to look forward to that will keep my thoughts at bay.

    I'm not mad at her. I think the situation is mostly my own doing. I wish I could explain this better but I would have to get all "spiritual" and explain things I don't really understand completely.

    I'm just very lonely and very hopeless right now. I've been telling myself that things will get better for the last year and a half, but they haven't. I've honestly tried very hard to pull myself together and find new purpose and hope, but the harder I try the more I fall and see how completely broken and shattered I am. It's like I can't make myself get better. I feel so hollow on the inside.
     
  5. Samara

    Samara Account Closed

    If you need to go into the "details" with someone, you can PM me. I don't mind if it gets religious, and though that is a touchy subject for many... I still have really yet to find someone who at some point and time in their life was not affected by it, or was not deeply trying to figure it out religiously or spiritually etc...

    Is there somewhere else that you could convince an owner to let you play? Maybe make a video or a few on youtube, and sort of make a short sales email, send it out to other joints where you live? I imagine there must be more to your story, because it seems very heavy that over "backing out" a friendship would end?

    Is it something you could apologize for? Is it something she could forgive you for?
     
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