Losing my Mind

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by onelastmonday, May 31, 2015.

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  1. onelastmonday

    onelastmonday New Member

    I turn 21 this week. I used to be a slacker, but lately I've been doing well in university. It's killing me. The only thing that fulfills me is getting that good mark at the end, but the amount of work involved just burns me out. I spend hours trying to cope with the stress, vacantly staring at my phone (which obviously doesn't help me one bit) but I can't get myself to do anything else. I get overwhelmed extremely easily when I'm feeling low, to the point that crowding or too many questions or especially physical contact sets me off - I just leave the situation. It's very taxing on my relationships.

    In the same breath, because of the particular degree I've chosen I know I don't have any real future prospects. I know with the right enough of hard work I can make anything happen, but I just don't have it in me. I can't keep struggling like this, I don't believe I can wrestle myself into a future. I don't have it in me anymore.

    I've tried talking to my family, but they're not understanding. They mean well, but they don't get it. I can't explain to them how I feel without getting extremely negative or judgmental reactions under thin good intentions. Mostly they're angry with me. (For an added bonus they're anti-medication for depression, but in a backhand passive aggressive way where I'm not sure if me going on meds will actually hurt me more than it helps...)

    I don't feel that any success I can eek out will ever been good enough to make me feel secure, and I sure as hell don't have the fight left to find out. I feel like I'm so obsessed with hard indisputable 'success' that even my normal activities come under so much scrutiny that I can't do them without feeling ashamed (of wasting time) or dissatisfied.

    I don't know what to do, I'm already trying to reduce my course load... I think if I stopped altogether it might actually kill me. I just want to get my mind back.
  2. GreySilence

    GreySilence Well-Known Member

    It's still certainly better to have your degree than to not, of course, but if it's really ruining your life and driving you to suicidal thoughts- maybe you should look for a different path. You've only got one life, you shouldn't waste it on something that you don't enjoy doing or you don't have any motivation for. If you can build up the motivation to push through and get your degree, by all means give it your best shot! but please, don't beat yourself up too much if you can't achieve that goal. I'm 21, I've only completed one small course, and I've dropped out of 3.. I've felt like taking my life numerous times because of these dropouts. Now, I've come to realize that school isn't for me, and I'll just have to put up with finding some other way to make a living. It hurts, it certainly does, but I've learned that there's always a way you can get by and make the most out of what you have if you can look at the world in an optimistic way. Be hopeful, stay strong, and hold out till things get better- appreciate what you have and the things you love, and accept that to experience good things we also have to put up with awful things. We can only truly be happy once we understand what it's like to be sad.

    To spill your feelings to your family only to get judged quickly, shown negativity and anger.. you don't deserve that, nobody does. Good intentions or not, they're hurting you; Their motive doesn't change the fact that it's causing you pain. I would not try to rely on them for support, unless you're willing to give them another chance and somehow force them to listen and not speak back until you're finished talking.

    Anti-depressant medication works for some people, and from what I've heard it can also ruin lives. It's a gamble, and I myself have never used them because I'm scared that I will lose control of my own mind. I don't like the idea of giving my mind a crutch, that when taken away could cause me to fall apart. You can definitely get through depression with just your mind the way it is. You have to force yourself out of it and just "kick depression in the ass" as my best friend likes to say. The best way to do this is to understand how depression works, and also that it's easy to look at things in a negative light when you are depressed. When you're depressed, all you'll see are reasons why you would rather be dead and you will typically ignore all reasons to live, even though they're there. Depression is like quicksand I guess, the more frantically you try to escape it, the worse off you'll be. You've got to calm down, assess the situation, and think about things rationally- remember what you love about this world, and also the amount of pain your suicide will cause others. If you can tell yourself "I need to stop this, being depressed will get me nowhere" and force yourself to do something that you know will cheer you up and refuse to let yourself sit around and think about everything wrong with your situation, you can beat depression down with ease. It really is easy to just fall into the habit of moping and self-loathing, don't let yourself do it.

    True success is living a happy life, it doesn't matter what others say or think about you in the end. The whole "graduate university or you're a failure" mindset is just bogus. There are many ways to live life happily, it may take a long time to find which path is right for you, but as long as you don't give up I'm sure you'll find it.

    Sorry if I didn't help at all. I'm still figuring a lot of things out for myself- so my mind isn't the most organized thing.
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