losing my mind

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by _Lily_, Jun 3, 2011.

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  1. _Lily_

    _Lily_ Forum Buddy

    Hi am Adam one of the teen alters . am feeling really bad.
    things are hard , having to face up to things like the abuse , we all went through it.
    But its really getting to me right now and there is no one to talk to about it because we cant get a therapist because our last therapist broke our trust and we are not putting faith in someone else.
    we can talk to the host husband about how we are feeling witch i have tonight, it helped some but it dragged up some other stuff.
    I feel like am going crazy with the flashbacks am having of ritual abuse what i was made to do because they got there kicks out of making us do these things some of it i cant talk about as it makes me feel ashamed
    the feelings are so strong that i want to end it right here and now.
    the only thing that is stopping me is that id end up killing everyone in the system or maybe that would put us all out of our misery.
    Want to take an OD but the host husband have the pills were we cant get them, because of past ODs the host and other alters have done in the past.
    The only thing i can do is smoke us to death and we limited on how many smokes we have because the hosts husband want to make sure we arent smoking too much that will makes the bodys asthma worse.
    Fuck i don't care any more
    id do something now if i could but there are so many restrictions on us because of rules of the system and the hosts husband dont allow things like OD ing and drinking in the house.
    Maybe if i cut and keep cutting i'll be better anything to make the thoughts and feelings go away
    Some one talk to me please am losing my fucking mind here
  2. ScaredAlone_76

    ScaredAlone_76 New Member

    I know how you feel. I feel the same way. I am fastly approaching the end of my rope. Not a whole lot left to hold on too. I am on anti-depressants and it is not helping at all. I am so scared about what I will do.:sigh:
  3. *sparkle*

    *sparkle* Staff Alumni

    hey adam :hug: im sorry you are feeling bad :( can you talk to the hosts husband any more or show him what you have written here? :hug: i hope you feel a bit better soon hun
  4. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    Adam, listen, please. I almost never suggest emergency services because of how insanely unpleasant they can be. I almost always scoff at anyone who suggests a trip to the emergency room, because I tend to think there are less extreme measures that can be done to deal with the problem before it escalates.

    You're a very special case, and I'll make an exception here. The impression I get from you is that you're in a state of helpless agony, a sense of being trapped, and being a victim to your own thoughts, with a DID being triggered. I also get the impression that you need help *now* so your pain can be alleviated as fast as possible before you hurt yourself or someone else.

    There are a lot of things in your post that are confusing. You mention things like flashbacks of past abuse, a "host husband" who is in absolute control over your space, and a need to stop the flashbacks. You are clearly tortured, and it's reaching a peak. I got no sense that there was any respite for you in your own home. That being said, it may help you to utilize emergency services and to tell them exactly what is that is making you hurt.

    The people here can help to an extent. But it's my opinion that it is critical that you find someone in a better position to help you. If you can't get a therapist or social worker, you have the right to use the ER at any time. This is true where I live in the U.S., and to my knowledge it is also true in Scotland. They will not turn you away. If you can communicate to them the extent of your pain and the helplessness you feel, and anything else you're trying to communicate in this post, they should be able to help you.

    I do not want you to suffer any worse than you already have. I implore you to consider what I've said. You are, of course, free to do what you want, but I think your suffering will continue to get worse unless you find respite.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 3, 2011
  5. tweetypie

    tweetypie Antiquities Friend

    I agree entirely with that ! there isnt anything i can add at all exept for you to know tht there are others here willing you on to get better xxxxx
  6. _Lily_

    _Lily_ Forum Buddy

    I think i need to explain things a little bit better the hosts husband is Andrew he is our husband( some one with out DID) and is not in the system.

    I have taken some medication ( recommend amount) that Andrew has given me. hopefully it calms me down a little, going to call the crisis team if things don't improve i'll give it an hour see if i am calm enough to go to sleep at the moment am wired twitchy and unable to settle down.

    If things get worse we will call or go there

  7. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    Thank you, Adam. Please keep us posted on your progress.
  8. _Lily_

    _Lily_ Forum Buddy

    Managed to get some sleep, unsure how i feel right now.
    Think we are safe for the moment, unsure how long for.
  9. *sparkle*

    *sparkle* Staff Alumni

    adam :hug: have been thinkng of you and i hope you are ok :arms:
  10. _Lily_

    _Lily_ Forum Buddy

    We cant do this any more

  11. marmite

    marmite Active Member

    please get some help find your situation confusing but try and get help
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