Losing my sanity...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Jericho, Mar 29, 2015.

  1. Jericho

    Jericho Well-Known Member

    Hello everyone...

    It has been a while since I have posted on here, and that is due to a variety of reasons that I just can't keep inside myself anymore. To start things off lightly, I have been having to work every single day for the past week and a half...and will still be working this schedule until told otherwise. For those who don't already know, I work 14-16 hour shifts, depending on the day. Aside from that, my roommate just got killed yesterday. He was a jerk...and treated me poorly...but his death hit me harder that I thought it would. It makes me feel like I will be next...no matter what.

    The most disgraceful thing of them all is the fact that I have been experiencing extreme depression the last few days. It may be because of the aforementioned symptoms, but I feel more worthless and alone than ever. I don't know what to do, and I feel like the world will be better off without me. A small part of my consciousness knows that I am delusional, but the majority of my brain is telling me otherwise.

    I am losing a battle with myself that I wish would just end in a ceasefire.

    Can somebody please help...?
  2. Jericho

    Jericho Well-Known Member

    I also realize that this is better suited for the Crisis thread...
  3. ChestnutMay

    ChestnutMay Antiquities Friend

    OMG, Jericho. I am so sorry about what you're going through. It must have been a terrible shock to lose your roommate, even though he was a jerk, and of course you must feel terribly vulnerable as well. I'm so glad you're okay. I've actually been a little worried.

    Trying to cope with everything you're going through while working at such a physically and mentally challenging job for such long hours and with such little down time has to make things much worse. I can't even imagine the stress you are under right now - working so hard, under such uncomfortable conditions and in a war zone at that. Just know I'm thinking of you and you are not alone.

    The world would definitely NOT be better off without you. Think of all the people on this forum you've reached out to and cheered up. You are a wonderfully caring person - this is the kind of person we need more of, not less. Actually what you need to do is step into a big box, push the red button and come out with two of you. Maybe even three.

    Please remember how much people here care about you. You've made the world a better place since being in it, please believe in yourself!
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 29, 2015
  4. Jericho

    Jericho Well-Known Member

    I am far from okay ChestnutMay. Every day I have to suffer through work with nothing to look forward to at the end of the tunnel. At this point, I don't feel as if my life will ever get any better. I have gone through a lot in my life...and have made it this far...but I am tired. Tired of feeling as if my life is meaningless, tired of being alone, tired of crying myself to sleep at night, and tired of not having anyone to have a real conversation with.

    It sucks, more than anything that has ever happened to me before. At least throughout the past, I felt that there was at least a little hope. But that feeling is gone...and I am nearing what I assume to be the end of my resistance to this depression.
  5. ChestnutMay

    ChestnutMay Antiquities Friend

    I am really worried about you Jericho. You are keeping up a physically demanding, inhuman schedule right now in a life and death situation, and in fact have had a terrible shock in the death of your roommate. You mentioned you'd been in the military for 2 and a half years. When are you due for some R & R? Specifically, when are you due for a trip home? It is no wonder it feels life will never get any better - you're stuck in a very difficult grind right now with minimal support from home. If I lived near you, I'd show up on your parents' front door and read them the riot act.

    I honestly believe things will get better for you. You're a very special person - you just don't know it yet. You have a very strong character - a strong sense of responsibility for others, the desire to help others and a lot of love to offer the right woman. You offer compassion and comfort to total strangers. These are valuable traits in a human being and the world needs more people like you. And the world would be a sadder, emptier place if you were not around.

    You need help for depression though - I'm wondering if it is time to start trying the vitamin, herbal and supplement route? Some people do swear by St.John's Wort. Worst it can do is set you back a few dollars. If it were not illegal, I'd send you care packages full of prozac :)

    Please remember you have friends here and people who care about you!
  6. little lucy

    little lucy Active Member

    I'm so sorry your roommate was killed. That is crazy, shocking news. It would be really hard to deal with. And you working 14-16 hours all the time is ridiculous! I am not sure what you do, but could you possibly look for another job?

    I understand the feeling tired part. You just want it to end. I get like that too. Sometimes that feeling of being tired and wanting life to end is so overwhelming.

    And you are not delusional. You are suffering.
  7. Jericho

    Jericho Well-Known Member

    I appreciate your concern, and all the effort you have put towards helping me. You are an incredibly kind-hearted and loving person and I am thankful for your support. However, I just don't know if it is worth it anymore. I am set to go home in late May...but am dreading it. I cannot imagine what my homecoming will be like, since I haven't spoken to my family in a very long time. I am unable to even fathom a scenario where it will go over well. As for treatment through substances, I have deeply thought about such things. I am just unsure of what is possible for me to even get, since the stores here are lacking in most things. This sucks...a lot. I feel as if I am past the point of no return (even while depressed, I had to use a Phantom of the Opera reference).

    Little Lucy,
    I am in the military, so I am unable to switch jobs even if I want to. And you are absolutely right...I am tired. I am at the point where I feel like feeling nothing is better than feeling all this pain.
  8. ChestnutMay

    ChestnutMay Antiquities Friend

    Jericho, Of course you are worth all the concern and support. That is simply your depressed brain talking - too bad, you can't just tell it to shut up and go sit sit in the corner until it can behave itself. I can definitely understand your concern about your homecoming but at least you will finally get an answer to the question: What IS it with these people? How long will you be on leave?

    Gotta run - someone at the front door, but i'll write more later. Please be as kind to yourself as you are to others!
  9. ChestnutMay

    ChestnutMay Antiquities Friend

    Jericho, How are things going today? It seems like the prospect of going home in May is depressing you - I wish you could get some feedback from people before then so you can have the happy home keeping you deserve.. Right now I know it's hard to know what to expect. That's the worst part, the not-knowing. I wonder if your younger brother might be more forthcoming in details? Have you written to him.

    Re: St. John's Warts and all that. I had hoped the PX would be well stocked with these things, but I guess not. Maybe you can take some things back with you?

    Please keep writing. I miss seeing your posts! I think you offered a lot of people much comfort!