Losing myself, or what I thought of as myself...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Kurai, Aug 19, 2013.

  1. Kurai

    Kurai Active Member

    One of the most memorable dreamscapes I've resided in is one that seemed to be a wonderland of innocence completely dominated by a horrible evil force. The inhabitants were all children and herbivorous animals. The landscape was lush and filled with clear crystals jutting out here and there, but right in the center was a dark castle with chains stretching out and plunging into the land. The sky was blood red with clouds that were pitch black. Death and sorrow surrounded the castle and right in the center of the castle was a cage with another me inside, just with white hair and grey blue eyes. The books in the land showed that it had once been prosperous until the ruler began to die and to prevent his death he sealed himself away, but in doing so ended up destroying most of the world.
    I long for innocence and ignorance, to be a child again or to stay a child forever and it is killing me.
    I have a picture of the ideal constantly lodged in my mind, chained down and caged within me.
    I am forced with the choice of killing a being I consider to be the epitome of perfection and so bring about change and growth or to sit back and watch myself die
    What could you possibly choose? It's like having to end the life of the one thing most precious to you.

    But there are no choices... It's a common misconception that we always have a choice. We are beings that flow with our makeup. Any illusion of choice is simply us following what we would always have done. It's like a curve in a river, the river didn't curve because it had a choice, it took the route with the least resistance. Only fate has a choice and the only two choices it has is to make or to break you. You have no control over what fate chooses, just like a river that meets a rock, it will just move around it because that's the easiest way to go about things, if the path was clear the river would run straight, it wouldn't travel randomly at its whim. Every single choice of yours is based on how you grew up and your unconscious deduction of what you deserve and what is right. You push yourself hard to become closer to an ideal or to punish yourself for what you believe is wrong in yourself and fate is constantly making you turn onto certain paths, but is fate making you or breaking you? I am being broken, I cannot kill my essence without killing myself, whether that means spiritual death or physical death matters not, they're both the same to me. But of course I can't kill myself; I'm nowhere near strong enough to do so, even though I desperately wish to snuff out my existence. My inability to feel physical pain I believe is because it all gets absorbed into the Black Castle at the center of my soul, fueling its growth. It is the same with every negative emotion and even most positive ones. Every day I find it harder and harder to express myself as slowly my entire being becomes part of that Black Castle...

    I'm failing, and I keep on failing. I keep getting my spirits up and try to get things to work but then I fail again and I can sense everyone judging me even if they don't say so, and sometimes they do say even if they try to cover it up.
    I can't sleep at night because my mind is at war with itself and then when I've finally calmed down and feel tired it's morning again and I'm forced to be awake. There's no time for me to recover, and there never will be because the world doesn't function on my wavelength and never will.

    I've tried to do things my way but all it ever does is hurt people, and regardless of what anyone says, if you hurt people, all that hurt ends up doing a 360 turn and hitting you full on in the soul and sometimes worse. One can say that failure is a stepping stone on the way to success but in truth it is often a sign that you cannot succeed, especially in a case where you just don't have the ability. I have no clue why people consider me intelligent, I don't know what I have done to give them that idea but I'm not. Most of my mind is caged up with that soul in the Black Castle, my every thought is murky at best and extremely detached from reality.

    I'm very good at creating illusions, very good at crafting a mind to run in place of that which is lost in the Black Castle, but it can only hold up to so much stress before it crumbles. The other night my friends convinced me to try some weed, I created a high persona to suit the environment but the moment the drug actually kicked in my entire being was filled with melancholy. I hated EVERYTHING. I'm constantly in control, constantly holding in the reigns of something I'm guessing is so much worse than anything I could imagine. That Black Castle could be a whole other side of me that all my suppressed emotions are used as bricks so it can grow. It wasn't until I let my control slip that I realized just how black my heart really is and it terrified me.

    The Black Castle is just the form my darkness took in a self aware dream, but it makes for a close paradigm for that which ails me, or is me... Is the shell real or is the core real, even if the shell isn't fully aware of the core? If I'm constantly holding this force within me back does it mean I'm good or is the force itself a sign that I am evil?
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You are good for it is in the questioning of yourself that proves that if you were not good you would not care or even take time to consider what is happening inside you