I don't know what I'm doing any more. I have no direction in my life. I had all these dreams and every time I tried to accomplish them I just end up failing over and over again, so I just gave up on all of them. I tried getting a job, went on loads of interviews but I either didn't here back or got some lame excuse why they aren't hiring me. Even volunteer jobs... like seriously, am I that messed up?! I've lost pretty much all of my friends one way or another. I still have a few but they're never really there, only if they want something or whatever. My family ignore me and leave me out of things. I only just found out my family are going on holiday together and leaving me here. It's not the only holiday they're going on this year. I'm just staying here all alone, I was going to go away but I'd have to go alone and I don't do well alone in places I've never been. Recently I've been talking to a 'friend', not really sure if I can call her that. We met up once and made plans to go out before and after that but she always lets me down, either not answering her phone or just not turning up. She keeps saying she misses me but I don't believe her. She said she speaks to her mum about me and that her mum said I'd always be there for her no matter what. I really don't think so cause I can't do this any more. She makes me feel so worthless. I'm trying to get stuff done and go out more but I keep getting so scared and paranoid. Starting to get bad panic attacks again. I don't want to be stuck in this house all the time but I can't face going outside either. I over analyse everything. What will I do, what will I wear, what happens if I see someone I know, what if people scare... I don't know who I am. I don't enjoy the things I use to. My self harm is getting quite bad again too. What am I doing?? What is the point in any of this?