Sometimes I feel ok especially if I’m in my house by myself. But the more I step out into the world, the more I see I will never be a part of it or be accepted in society. I have no friends that I can speak of. I don’t even have internet friends even though I always talk to people and am friendly with them from forums or other websites. I guess maybe it’s my lack of consistency. A lot of times I have no energy to think and write down whatever’s on my mind, I occasionally leave posts on here and rarely start threads, but lately I’ve been desperate, but maybe not to speak with anyone because nobody will care but just to get things off my chest for anyone who cares to read. I am starting to realize that ultimately no one will be able to save or help me because of the circumstance that I am in (no friends or close relatives that can help). When I am at my lowest like now, I feel no more sadness, I don’t care to do much like watch TV. or listen to music (which I love to do), all I think about is killing myself. I can’t live in this world, it doesn’t want me. I am the ultimate loner, I want out. It’s like my goal is to kill myself, the only question is “what method will I choose”. Yesterday I went to these meetings that I attend, they are support groups for people suffering with depression, bi polar, and different types of anxiety disorders. I’ve been going there for a little over a year now. I talk to one person there a little closer than the others, but not that much, nobody even cares about me over there, many of them are very close to other members there, but I’m left out . Am I not human? Maybe not so much anymore as it seems that I’m unlovable and I have no idea what love feels like since no one has ever loved me besides my mother and I never really loved anyone except for my mother. I’m tired of this brutal isolation from this world, I can’t save myself from this, that’s why I want to end it now and not waste any more time.