Yeah.. i remember, it's in my face and it can't go away, nor can I.
Nothing that can be done but.. usually it makes me feel like a big bit of me is going to be forgotten. But now, I just feel almost numb to losing all that, like it doesn't really matter.
Is it normal to think that you will always be the failings that you are now because .... <-- is the because a justification and acceptance to making yourself anchor to those failings and making them repeat :S
Sorry im concerned of losing the humanity and good bits of me, as i enter in the harder times and worse bits in my life right now. Im worried about forgetting or bending the good bits further than I have already. I dont want to forget who I am to the moment .. idk.. this isn't a clean wrap like usual, ive got some rough times ahead of me. I have to move out and I have no money, and no source of income atm, so it's either the streets or find a homeless shelter, unless I can swing to stay somewhere or defuse this situation atleast for a bit. I owe money aswell, Im socially crippled, but im going to have to force myself into social situations. But I feel emotionally weak, so I take things on very intensly atm, and can only compensate by defending myself internally, but the manner inwhich im doing that is self destructive in its own sense. . blah blah.
I just dont want to forget the good parts of who I am, or atleast bury them in hate and stupid confusion. But Im all so convinced that I am going to make the same exact mistakes that I am feeling right now. If thats the case I cant be near anyone, and if thats the case whats the point. ..how do I grow and let go, or grow the worst parts of me so that they arent bad and will never be like this again. I cant be like this anymore... i cant hide from them they'll call and taunt me and make me tunnel to them again and destroy everything in the process. I cant do that to the people around me. I cant continue a cycle.
Head and heart are spinning, trying to keep a clear line of sight and awareness in this particular moment is difficult. Im so tired though.. I jsut want to go to sleep. I just can't forget .. and knowing and waking into it ..