Losing the battle.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Chaddiwicker, Dec 7, 2010.

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  1. Chaddiwicker

    Chaddiwicker Well-Known Member

    I've struggled with depression since I was a teenager. Grew up in a family where you were considered weak if you took aspirin for a headache. Saw a couple of therapists, briefly, when I was young but thought I could do it on my own and prove I was strong.

    Pretty much dropped out of all social activities my senior year of high school. Didn't get my picture taken because I "didn't plan on being around". Somehow, I toughed it out mostly because everyone told me college would be better.

    College wasn't better. I went off and on because I would get depressed. Had one good year, I think, when I first came out. Then all the old thoughts started coming back. Never did graduate.

    I've had about 40 different jobs. I would get depressed and stop going into work. After a while I would be able to motivate myself to try again.
    I can't anymore.

    I finally started taking meds in 2004. I've been on many. Some of them help a little, but none of them are "happy" pills. Usually, they stop working after a while and they switch me to a new med.

    In 2006, my best friend died of cancer at the age of 33. She wanted to live. I don't. I wish I could have died in her place. After she died, I had a "breakdown". I wrote all my family suicide notes, stole some money, and left home. My plan was to go where I didn't know anyone, remove all my identification so I would be a "John Doe", and kill myself. I didn't want my family to have to do the "clean up". I wandered from state to state for a year, convinced myself that I was receiving messages from God, stayed in homeless shelters and couch surfed and was hospitalized twice, once for suicidal ideation and once for taking 30-40 pills.

    I eventually found a friend who I hadn't pushed away or lied to who was willing to let me stay with him. I found a counselor who I connected with and she encouraged me to apply for disability.

    That was 3 years ago. That counselor got a different job, I've moved to a different state and now I've been denied disability.

    I don't want to participate in the world. I want to be alone. I don't like the world.

    I think about killing myself every day. Some days more than others. I still have an appeal pending for disability but at the level I'm at I've read that only 2 or 3% of people are successful. I'm living with an amazing friend that let's me stay with him rent free and getting food stamps, but I think the food stamps will eventually require me to work if I don't get disability and I don't think I can. I worry that my friend will tire of me and that I will become homeless again.

    I don't want to be around people. Nothing makes me happy. I see nothing but servitude and unhappiness in the future. I want to be alone, really alone. I would be satisfied to have an apartment that I never/rarely had to come out of. That's not going to happen.

    So I think about killing myself. When. How. I think about it hurting my mom and my friend but, selfishly, I think more about not wanting to live with this sort of "pain" for the next 30 or 40 years if I were to live a "natural" life.

    I started seeing a new counselor when I moved here. She was young and inexperienced. Knew nothing about the disability process. Refused to offer her opinion about my ability to work. I thought about getting a different therapist from day one, but kept going because it was easier. Then my lawyer told me I should get someone new.

    I've got that appointment Thursday. Scared that this new person won't be a "fit" either. Scared of telling all my crap to someone new. Scared that they won't believe me. Scared that they won't support my disability case. Scared that they'll ship me off to the hospital (which is the opposite of being alone). Scared that I'll end up homeless (which is the opposite of being alone). Scared that nothing will work and that I'll have no choice left but to kill myself.

    I don't really want to die, but I don't want to live either. At least, not in the world as it is presently constructed.
     
  2. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    Thursday does sound scary - keep posting until then and then let us know how it goes.
     
  3. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    It sounds like you have a good friend there, have you talked to them about your fears, concerns what you will do? Maybe they can help work something out with you, put some structure in place so that you don't end up homeless, that is the main thing having a roof over your head, there is so much you are facing right now, I can but only imagine how you are feeling sorry.

    Your new thearpist..maybe I don't know, you write a list of expecations, what you want from them, they are there to listen not too judge not too pressume. But as a support tool, anything less is unfair. I understand the fear though, I guess you dare not put too much hope on it, but again you need to have that.
     
  4. Chaddiwicker

    Chaddiwicker Well-Known Member

    Thank you and Fitzy for the responses.

    He is a good friend. Better than I deserve. I think I'll be okay here as long as I can get food stamps. I dog sit and do some light household chores to "pull my weight". I talk to him a little, but feel like I'm burdening him if I say too much. He asked me what I'd do if I am ultimately denied disability. I told him I guess I'd get a job, but I said that more out of wanting to please him than feeling I would be capable of doing so. Inside, my thought is that I'll kill myself if I don't get disability.

    He and I were talking about politics the other day. I said something to the effect of "if I'm around for the next election" without thinking. He caught it and asked me about it. I changed the subject and he didn't question me further about it. I feel bad that he'll be hurt if I do kill myself but I don't think I can stick around so as not to hurt him.

    I wish someone would just say it's okay to want to be alone and allow me to do so.
     
  5. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    Hey believe me it is okay to want to live alone be left alone, and hide from the world I personally would prefer that, you protect yourself from what is out there the hurt and pain, but and sorry there is a but here. You have to work on you and work on improving things, do not deny yourself a full life, friendships, it sounds like you have an amazing friend, do not deny them the chance to help, if anything happened, he would question everyday why he didnt pick up on it do something, believe me analysing every single moment, and conversation. Not trying to make you feel guilty or anything, you sound in enough turmoil, but please give him the chance, even if it is just talkin through your options about claiming disability etc at least then maybe it will ease the pressure you are putting on yourself?

    Please please know, everyone deserves good friends, I know in my mind I question why someone would want to be friends with me, and I can see how you feel. But take this as a stepping stone, a launch pad, to getting the help you need and the support you deserve.

    I really really hope this all makes sense

    Rich
     
  6. Chaddiwicker

    Chaddiwicker Well-Known Member

    I hate "buts". ;)

    It makes complete sense. If only understanding what you're saying intellectually changed how I felt...
     
  7. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    But..But..But!!! damnit stuck in my head now


    You cannot change how you feel overnight, just change the circumstances in your favour, tiny tiny steps, that seem so hard I know but you have support of people here, your friend and hopefully your new thearpist soon.
     
  8. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    could you stay with your family again if you had to? have you been in touch with them at all?

    I wonder if doing something like living in a monastic community would be good for you.
     
  9. Chaddiwicker

    Chaddiwicker Well-Known Member

    My mom and I communicate, but none of the rest of the family have forgiven me. I've taken so much from them in the past and owe them so much money that I don't think I could bring myself to ask for anymore help, nor do I think they would give it.

    *chuckles* I've considered that. Most of them I've been able to find are religiously based and, as a homosexual (even if I haven't had a relationship in over a decade), it would be hard for me to participate if they were of the belief that homosexuality was a sin. The other thing I've seen is that you have to be free of debt to join and... well... I'm not going to be free of debt unless I win the lottery and I can't afford lottery tickets these days. I'm open to the idea, though, so if you know of any feel free to send the links.

    Heck, in my more desperate moments, I think joining a cult would be an option.
     
  10. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    I'm presuming that you're in the USA and can't give any advice on disability benefits etc because I don't know anything about the system there.
    Here in the UK you would get a lot of help and support from the Gay Community. I live in a city where we have a large Gay Community which we're very proud of and they do fantastic work in the charity field. Particularly in outreach work to people with mental health problems.
    How do your family feel about you being gay? Was that an issue?
    I think that you need to prioritize. You need to get well first, which is going to take medication and therapy and then when you start to feel better, you need to get out amongst people. I know that's not what you want to hear. However, the worse thing you can do is cut yourself off. You'll just become more and more depressed.
    You need to be doing something, like a bit of voluntary work, until you feel well enough to get a job of some description. Again, I know that's not what you want to hear and may well sound impossible anyway.
    The truth is though, we do better when we're in work. It doesn't have to be paid work, voluntary work is fine but the routine of getting up and going out does us the world of good.
    You've clearly got a lot of stuff hanging over you from the past. It's time to draw a line under it. You can't change the past but you can forgive yourself for anything that you might regret. You can rebuild relationships (if you want to, don't bother with the people you don't like) and you can rebuild your life.
    Please have a look and see what help there is in the Gay Community. I'm sure that there will be lots.
    xxx
     
  11. Chaddiwicker

    Chaddiwicker Well-Known Member

    I am in the U.S. My experience is that there are not a lot of gay specific social services for adults. If you're a kid, there are homeless services and the like but as an adult, you're pretty much lumped in with the rest of the general population.

    Most of the gay groups here, as far as I am aware, focus on political fights because we're still not "equal" here. Not to mention that there's a strong push to cut just about any social services in this country and a lot of "you're on your own" mentality.

    It was an issue when I came out. Now it is not the primary issue with my family members, though it is still an issue with a few of them.

    I don't mean this to be contrarian and I do feel you're trying to help and I thank you for that. But does every human on the planet "do better when we're in work"? I do agree it is the norm and it is what society expects, but I really don't think that work and/or social interaction is beneficial to everyone. Maybe this is me not wanting to fit in or maybe I really don't, but I find the daily grind depressing and de-motivating. I find money to be coercive and controlling. I feel like I'm a square peg trying to be pounded into a round hole. I'm a true introvert. Being around people drains me. DRAINS me. I feel judged and controlled. I feel all the work trying to be "professional" or putting on the happy face I am expected to do sucks the life out of me. I feel like all efforts to make me fit into that "mold" are efforts to make me conform to a societal norm, not what is best for me. Even though a common phrase is to be yourself, I don't think "society" wants that of me. They want me to conform, be acquiescent and be subservient.

    So, yeah, I'm f'd up and s.o.l.

    Again, I want to make clear I appreciate your thoughts and the intent behind them.
     
  12. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Have a look at the bit I've put in bold because I SO hear you on that one! Believe me I don't like the daily grind and I loathe the emphasis put on money in our society and to be honest don't really like much about our society at all. I find it shallow and celebrity and youth obsessed and filled with people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing.
    I don't believe that you have to conform, be acquiescent and subservient to live in this society though. I think you can live your own life within it.
    I don't mean that you need to go out and get a 'daily grind' job and be ruled by your income either. You don't need to become involved with society or the 'normal' workplace at all. You don't have to take a paid job.
    You do however, need something to occupy your time and make you feel like you have worked for the day. It will make a huge difference to your mental health .
    If you're a square peg, then find a square hole. You don't have to be pushed into the round one.
    There are plenty of people living alternative lifestyles. There are plenty of things to do which don't involve working with other people. Do some writing. You need paper and a pen. Give yourself a working day and stick to it. Its as much about the routine as it is about anything else. The routine is good for us. Lying in bed and staring at a wall isn't good for us. (That's what I do when I'm in a deep depression, may not be what you do)
    So, after all that waffle, what I'm trying to say is that yes, every human being is better in work but you need to change your definition of work. Just because society has set its norms, doesn't mean we have to confirm to them. I take great joy in not confirming to them. You should too.
    You also need to work on your self esteem. Being around people shouldn't make you feel judged and controlled. You need to unlearn that behaviour pattern.
    I do agree that other people can be draining but you can learn coping skills to help you with that. You don't have to constantly be around people but you do need some interaction even if it's only saying hello to the postman.
    You should contact one of the LBGT groups, even if their aim is political they may know of organisations who are willing to help you. It's worth trying anyway.

    It truly helps to have a routine and a sense that you've done some kind of 'work' each day. You don't have to give up who you are as a person to have both of those things.
     
  13. Chaddiwicker

    Chaddiwicker Well-Known Member

    Not sure I can survive without a paid job. My friend is currently letting me stay with him in exchange for pet sitting and light house keeping, but I don't know how long that is possible. I get food stamps, but I think they'll require work (in the traditional sense) eventually.

    Everything you say sounds grand. Not sure if it'll work out. New therapist tomorrow. Scared.
     
  14. louise

    louise New Member

    'I don't really want to die, but I don't want to live either. At least, not in the world as it is presently constructed.'

    is the most perfect way ive ever heard to describe how i feel. Altough sometimes i think i do want to die.

    I wish u all the luck in the world for tomorrow!
     
  15. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    good luck tomorrow. hope it goes well with the new therapist. thinking of you.
     
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