Losing the fight... Maybe I've already lost...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Kurouin, Aug 26, 2013.

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  1. Kurouin

    Kurouin Member

    After 9 years, I am losing the fight. I have no drive, no goals, no dreams. Everything in my life just seems dull now. I have no friends, and I have lived my life as a lie since I was 10-11 years old. I am ashamed of myself for disappointing my parents--I have currently been suspended from my university after failing my spring semester--but at the same time I never felt anything towards them to begin with. I feel like everything I have done amounted to nothing, and I am plagued by my mistakes and failures.

    Suicide has been on my mind a lot lately. I don't know if its just a selfish way for me to escape my problems, but I feel like everything would be better if I was gone. I think about it a lot these days, even visualizing it. I won't go into detail, as it is not allowed on this forum, but I've imagined myself going via many different methods. My parents don't understand, they have a "not this again" attitude whenever I try to bring up my problems.

    I meant to make it longer, but my mind is full of thoughts and I honestly can't put them together yet despite spending an entire summer pondering. The thought of suicide sounds like a really nice idea to me now though. I'm getting sick of living in this world and my self-loathing grows with each passing moment. Sometimes I feel like pain and suffering is the only thing keeping me tethered to this world--like living as a failure is a punishment I must endure until I go. Nonetheless, I'm getting sick of living...
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hear you oh hun we all fail sometimes ok but we pick ourselves up again and try ok Your parents do not seem to understand you are ill hun. Have you talked to a councilor or doctor about your depression or maybe it is medical have you had a medical check up lately. Lots of reasons why a person gets so low hun but you need to reach out ok and find the reason why and fix it. Be it with meds or therapy or finding a new direction in life one YOU choose ok I know the sadness seems deep hun but not unreachable so please get some help for YOU so you can pick up the pieces and start again for YOU noone else but for YOU hugs
     
  3. Kurouin

    Kurouin Member

    The thing is... my parents are great parents. I am just an ass... at least I feel that way. I know that they want me to have a great future, but I've lost sight of that future a long time ago. This coupled with the fact I know I have disappointed them is what is driving me over the edge. I've been to a counselor, but it didn't help. I feel like I have no right to be happy with what I've done. Another thing is that my folks only see depression as a weakness that can be overcome with sheer willpower, which is why they have a somewhat "eyeroll" approach to whatever problems I bring up. I've never been able to connect with others, even my own family--whether it was because of my fears and trauma or my abstinence from doing so. Maybe it's because I realized early on that people don't like to help others, only desiring to receive rather than give.

    I feel like I am beyond help, and the only thing left to do is to leave this world. I have done enough damage here, and I think maybe it's time I face eternal judgement in the afterlife. There isn't much that is keeping me here...
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You say your parents a great parents but they are ignorant when it comes to depression Sometimes it is a chemical imbalance in the brain that causes it so willpower will not do anything but meds will. You need to take this step for YOu ok call your doc and get on some meds then and see if the depression get less. Hell everyone fails ok school is not an easy task especially if you are depressed You would not be helping anyone if you leave you won't hun You say your parents love you well make them LISTEN and get you help so you do hurt them by leaving. There is no judgement here hun just understanding ok You deserve help hun so get it hugs
     
  5. Kurouin

    Kurouin Member

    The last time I tried to get help 9 years ago it was a disaster for me. My parents threatened to disown me and complained about how much money it cost. It was what made me realize that they didn't understand, and at that time I lied to everyone and told them I was okay. It'll probably be the same thing again, only that it'll be worse since I have to tell them that I failed at school. Going to the doctor costs money, and I've already blown more than my fair share going to school and falling apart over there.

    I don't blame my parents though. It is natural to misunderstand, and communication in our family has never been all that great. I guess the problem lies with me and my inability to fix it (maybe I am comfortable with the idea of being damaged goods), which is all the more reason for me to go.

    EDIT

    I had a dream earlier this morning. About riding a train with another man and a cat/wolf-like girl as stowaways. We would travel back and forth together. The trips were very long but I always enjoyed their company. At the end of my dream. The girl went on the train without me, and I woke up as I was planning to go after her along with my other male companion. I'm thinking that it's time I go, I don't want to keep them both waiting.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 26, 2013
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