Losing the will to do anything at all

As I've posted about, before, I don't really find anything to be enjoyable, anymore... but I must say I've reached a new low. I have no energy to fix food and usually just eat candy, unless I get help with getting better food. I have no will to play videogames, anymore... I often plan to play some game, and wash my hands for really long, so I can play something, but then, when I try to decide what to play, I realise it's just no use. It's just too boring. Usually, I go to bed, then, instead. When I wake up, all I can think about is when I can go to bed, again. All I want to do is sleep... my dreams help me escape this horrible reality... and even if I have nightmares, it's better than being awake. At least something happens, then. But I've had many wonderful dreams, recently... but I can't sleep, all the time; the body doesn't allow this. Recently, I have started thinking very much about starting to drink alcohol... vodka is the best... on an empty stomach, and without drinking anything else. It really works, then. I feel so much better, when I'm seriously drunk... I want to feel like that, all the time. I know I will end up an alcoholic, if I start with alcohol, though... my father is one and my grandfather of my mother's side has been one.

I have an apartment, now, that I haven't yet moved to... it will be nice, not having to listen to my father's stupid arguments, anymore, when I've moved there, but the truth is that I won't be happier. I will still find it to be more of a burden than a pleasure to play games, for instance... and if it's adult bishôjo games that I'd play, instead of normal ones... well, they'd be nice, but they'd remind me of my lack of a girl, even more. A girl is all that really could make my life nice... of course, my standards are too high for me to find one, and if I'd lose my complete virginity to the wrong person, I'd have to die.

I really have been thinking about my future suicide, recently... maybe I just was not meant for this world... lots of people have lives that are infinitely worse than my life, so why should my life become good? It won't, necessarily... I may well be fated to have a crappy life, not worth living. Why fate would do that, I don't know, but bad fates can be seen, everywhere.

That's all I have to say, this time...

 

your username is an interesting one, are you a native swede and a big japanese fan?

 

I feel pretty much the same like you, or at least I think I do. I used to constantly learn and play games, now all that is just completely boring, nothing is fun for me. I've thought a girl could make me happy but then I think of all the trouble that goes with that, as in I've got to do things right all the time then.

It's all just part of the depression, I guess all we can do is wait and hug each other. But think of it as this, you're one of us and we are one big family. A happy family that is. Perhaps you could call it a circle of friends. We are in it together. Lots of :hug:

 

I feel the same way: bored but not wanting to "do" anything. I can't even sleep all day as I'm not sleepy. Exhausted but not sleepy. Nothing holds my interest anymore. I can't offer any solutions but I can offer you big :hug::hug: and understanding, if that helps any.

 

Well, I like many Japanese things, I guess... romantic manga and adult bishôjo games, mostly (romantic, as well, most definitely). Hae-Gi is a character in a Korean manhwa; he's the one depicted in my avatar. I chose that name because he reminds me of myself, a lot. Yeah, I'm a native Swede... always lived here, too.

Thanks for the caring replies... I'm sorry you feel the same. I feel the same, today, as well... sigh. I have no idea what to do, today, either. Have barely even eaten... ate some chocolaty candy, before, about half a chocolate cake, drank a cup of coffee and drank some Pepsi Max and Mountain Dew... that's all. I don't have the energy to fix food. Not that hungry, anyway... at least I'm not all cold, this time, due to lack of nutrition.

If only there was *something* that could put my mind at peace, for a longer time, during the waking hours... if only I could enjoy my Wii. Why can't I just enjoy it? It's such a great console, but I just don't enjoy it...! I didn't enjoy the new Mario game, for it, either...