Losing the will to live

Lately I've been having intense suicidal thoughts. I feel like I've failed in every aspect of my life, and though there are things I could do that may make things better I'm simply losing the will to live. I've struggled with drinking for almost three years starting when my father was diagnosed with cancer; subsequently the cancer took his life. I suffered in silence while my dad was suffering -I lived with my dad by myself till the very end-, and had not a single soul to talk to who could understand what I was going through so I started drinking. Unfortunately, over a year after my dads death I can't stop drinking, and it has destroyed the most loving relationship I have had in the 29 years I've been on this planet. We broke up two days before I was going to ask her to marry me. Now I'm alone again, and I don't think I can go through the riggers of establishing a new relationship nor do I feel like I can be alone with this pain anymore. I see only one way out, and the thought of suicide plagues my mind everyday. Some days I wake up in the morning, and the first thought I have is xxxx. I would seek help but, I already have enough shame in my life to deal with. Plus, I don't have the cash to pay for a therapist. And if I did have the cash to pay for a therapist they would simply have me committed if I told them what I'm posting here. I simply want the pain to go away, I want to be loved again, I want to be the strong person I used to be. In many ways looking back at the man I once was makes things worse because I'm worse than pathetic in comparison. I'm sorry if I'm rambling, I'm trying to keep this post to a minimum... Anyway, any advice would be appreciated.

 

Hi, welcome on this forum. While you say you have failed in every aspect of your life I can't help to think that the main issue you have is loneliness? I hope you will find people on this site you can connect to. I don't have much advice to offer, I assume you have thought about seeking help for your alcoholism. Is there no free or cheap help for that problem in your local area?

 

I would try Alcoholics Anonymous.. That's the first thing you can do to take care of yourself to feel better..

http://www.aa.org/?Media=PlayFlash

If drinking is ruining your life, you need to give it up. Maybe if you do, you could re-establish the relationship with your girlfriend.

Therapy is over rated. This forum is ten thousand times better.. With us, you can get advice/support any time you need it, don't have to wait.

Also,, you should at least see your doctor, they could put you on an antidepressant if needed.

I'm also sorry about your father. I'm sure he would not want his son mouring over him like that.. If you can't find the strength in yourself to do it, find the strength from him to get better. He's in peace now, he doesn't have to suffer, and I know how hard it is, to lose someone like that, that close to you, but I also know, like my grandfather, he doesn't have to live in agonizing pain anymore, and I wouldn't want him to have to, just so he could be here for me.. But I miss him dearly..