Lately I've been having intense suicidal thoughts. I feel like I've failed in every aspect of my life, and though there are things I could do that may make things better I'm simply losing the will to live. I've struggled with drinking for almost three years starting when my father was diagnosed with cancer; subsequently the cancer took his life. I suffered in silence while my dad was suffering -I lived with my dad by myself till the very end-, and had not a single soul to talk to who could understand what I was going through so I started drinking. Unfortunately, over a year after my dads death I can't stop drinking, and it has destroyed the most loving relationship I have had in the 29 years I've been on this planet. We broke up two days before I was going to ask her to marry me. Now I'm alone again, and I don't think I can go through the riggers of establishing a new relationship nor do I feel like I can be alone with this pain anymore. I see only one way out, and the thought of suicide plagues my mind everyday. Some days I wake up in the morning, and the first thought I have is xxxx. I would seek help but, I already have enough shame in my life to deal with. Plus, I don't have the cash to pay for a therapist. And if I did have the cash to pay for a therapist they would simply have me committed if I told them what I'm posting here. I simply want the pain to go away, I want to be loved again, I want to be the strong person I used to be. In many ways looking back at the man I once was makes things worse because I'm worse than pathetic in comparison. I'm sorry if I'm rambling, I'm trying to keep this post to a minimum... Anyway, any advice would be appreciated.