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Losing zest for life and not caring to die

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My mom has attempted suicide in the past (although it’s been 15-20 years), and I had a good friend die from suicide about 10 years ago. Having been through both of those things, I always swore to myself that I would never get to that point. In fact, I couldn’t imagine things getting to that point. I’m 42 years old and have never recognized any sign of mental illness in myself, until a few months ago. And last week my GP diagnosed me as suffering from major depression.

In January (this year), I realized there was something wrong with me. It started with thoughts of not caring if I died, and eventually moved to clearly suicidal thoughts. I had no zest for anything in my life anymore. I lost interest in everything – hobbies, church, friends, work. I just didn’t have any energy or motivation about anything in my life.

As this went on, I knew I should get help. But I wouldn’t do it. Instead, I lived a lie, faking smiles through the day and going home to journal how I really felt. I started planning my suicide, working out every little detail. On April 14th, I finalized my suicide plan. Everything was done, everything was in place. On that same day, a part of me was still trying to convince myself to get help. I went so far as to find a suicide chatline on the Web, and I just wouldn’t make/let myself click the “chat now” button. I felt that to actually get help would mean not getting to die, and if I admitted my problem, I would forever be labeled as someone who had been suicidal.

The following day, I believe God intervened to stop me, because nothing else can explain it. I went from not wanting help and ready to end it all to making a call to my GP in a single instant. There was no thought, no gradual process, nothing. I just made the call. I believe someone, somewhere was praying for me and God answered their prayer. He wasn’t answering my prayers, because I had turned my back on Him as well. I know this may open a whole theological discussion, but that’s not necessarily my intent. I just wanted to explain how I went from ready to die to ready to live.

My GP diagnosed major depression and prescribed Lexapro. I’ve been on it for ~10 days and yesterday was the first day I noticed feeling better. It wasn’t dramatically different or anything, but I did notice I didn’t feel as down as I had been feeling. I will go to my first (ever) therapist session on Monday.

I’m sharing all of this because I’ve found myself drawn to these boards the last couple of days, for a variety of reasons. Plus, I feel like I can handle it now, without it triggering anything in me.

I’ve read many of the posts and I see so many people talk about how terrible their lives are, how they cry/sleep all the time, and just can’t face another day. I understand that completely, but it’s not where I was. I guess I am looking to see if anyone else is/was where I was, where you just kinda lost the will to live. I found no enjoyment in anything, and in most cases in my daily life, found myself thinking, “I’m so glad I’m never going to have to do or deal with that again.”

Thanks for reading.

Mr Stewart

Well-Known Member
Yes, I know exactly what you mean. Your story is similar to mine as far the depression and suicidal planning goes.

I don't know why or when I lost my will to live/faith in humanity/sense of purpose. It must have been a gradual process over a period of years. Depression has always been a problem for me but I always managed to suffer my way through it until I felt moderately functional again. When I felt better I would try to convince myself that the depressed periods were nothing, that I was past them, they didn't happen and I was happy, normal, fine. Depression -> rock bottom -> rebound to happy -> denial -> depression... and around the circle I went.

I'm 27. I have not sought out professional help yet. Last month a scary incident served as wake up call that I can't continue ignoring my problems. They are bubbling up faster than I am able to jam them back down again. Soon. I am procrastinating out of nerves and fear. Telling someone my story in person will be the hardest thing I have ever done.

Nice to meet you, Brent.

i also lost a friend to suicide about 10 years ago. i was heartbroken. at his memorial a friend made us all promise that if we were feeling in a similar place we would seek help.

fast forward 8 years and i was blindsided by depression (eventually diagnosed as bipolar). it took me a while, but i eventually reached out to my doctor. best thing i ever did. he got me in to see a psychiatrist for medication, encouraged me to go to therapy, and all around supported me when i didn't know what to do or who to turn to. he kept telling me i was like the fish in the fishbowl, i couldn't see anything outside of the bowl. whereas he was not in the bowl. and so he could advise me to not to take my life.

i'm glad you found us. you'll find many nice people on this forum. and hopefully you can share your story with lots of people and encourage them to seek help.

Hi! It's good to hear your story. Depression is really not a good thing and I'm glad that you found treatment for it. I'm sorry for how you lost your loved ones. I can see why it had really made an impact on you. Well, I have nothing more to say since I'm only 18 and I guess you have better things to talk about. I just hope you get well soon.
Thanks for the kind words and sharing some of your experiences. @harrachos - I hope you will seek out help soon. I know it's tough to do, and I'm glad to see you're on the boards here. That's a good start.
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