Loss and Gain

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Daijou, Sep 1, 2010.

  1. Daijou

    Daijou Well-Known Member

    Today at 8:30am, my uncle passed away. He was in a comatose state for about 2 months now, and showed no signs of recovering, so I knew this was coming. And today they finally pulled the plug and let him go. The loss doesn't hurt too much right now, but I know it'll hit me sooner or later and I hope I'm ready for when it does.

    At the same time, I have a lot to be grateful for because of him. The past few weeks I've been going through the worst depression I've ever felt. It's been unbearable at times, and I've had so many thoughts that I wish I hadn't. Yesterday I was absolutely alone, everyone in my life was either gone somewhere or busy for the day, and all my thoughts and feelings over the past few weeks had culminated to the point where I was planning to take my life. But in the end I couldn't bring myself to do it. I don't have much family anymore, in fact I only see two family members, but I couldn't imagine the pain they'd feel after losing a brother/son just to find out that I was gone too.

    In a way, the loss of my uncle may have postponed my choice to end my life for just a little longer. But the feelings are still there, and it's getting harder and harder to get by each day. I just hope I'm ready when the realization that he's gone hits. :(
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hope you pray and you stay strong and you heal and understand that he is not suffering now and he would not want you to suffer either. Your right i could not let my mind push me to leave either because i chose not to pass this dam pain on it is mine and i will not let it become someone elses.
  3. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry for the loss of your uncle..
    I wonder if you are having any help with your depression...doctor, therapy, phsych?
    maybe some grief therapy would help you now...
    keep fighting..
  4. Daijou

    Daijou Well-Known Member

    I'm not so much grieving right now, but when he first got sent to the hospital months ago, it took a week or so for it to finally hit. Maybe back then I had already come to terms with losing him.

    I've been depressed for at least three years now, and have had thoughts of killing myself for around five years. I've never been able to talk to anyone about it either. I can't really talk to family since my sister attempted suicide herself about four years ago, and my family considers me to be the "perfect" one out of everyone. So to tell them I'm not even close to the person they think I am is just too hard for me to do. I've considered my friends, but they've all said in one way or another that they either don't care or they won't be able to give me the support I need. And I can't afford professional help and I'm too afraid someone would find out then react the wrong way about it or something.

    So basically I've just been carrying around all this extra weight on my shoulders by myself because I'm not comfortable talking to anyone about it. Then, when I do consider it bringing it up, I only think of how much a burden I'd be making people worry about me instead of other things that are more important. I know that isn't necessarily true, but I can't help but think it. :(