Lossing it.. wait.. Ive LOST IT!!

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Kiba, Dec 29, 2010.

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  1. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    On the end of my rope.. literally X_X

    I'm just going... Wait.. I am INSANE!!!

    UGGHHH!! Tired of loosing people... Tired of this DAMN headache that never goes away! Cant sleep! Tired of the nightmares! Tired of LIFE!!

    :blub:
     
  2. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you're in so much pain(both mentally and physically), I've seen you post quite frequently recently.

    What do you mean by losing people? Have you tried anything heavier for that headache?
     
  3. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    um.. Im broke... have 2 tylonol pills left.. allergic to vicodin and er.. I dont have anyone anyway.. um.. well.. lets see here.. loosing ppl on SF.. my brother in '05 my aunt b4 that.. and just seen a lot of shit.. seen a guy get shot this summer and other guy kill himself.. pulled a guy b4 he ran infront a train and yea.. just a lot of crap.. X_X Im just getting sick of it and I haz no freakin life!! I have no job! no School! no Friends! NOTHING!!
     
  4. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    Maybe you should see the doctor about that headache? It could mean you have something physically pressuring your brain(tumor/large cyst etc).

    That's a lot of shit to go through. I've never had any of that happen to me, yet. Maybe you should talk to a counsellor about it?

    Yea, I don't really have a life either. I don't have a job, well I don't really need one. I go to school, but that's only because I have to. I don't have any friends either. There used to be one kid at school that hanged out with me, he was super annoying but you get used to it. I don't mind that he's gone but now I'm completely alone.
     
  5. Fitzy

    Fitzy Well-Known Member

    But you do seem to have an ability to offer comfort to people. Can you be as kind to yourself? X
     
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Talk to your doctor about Imitrex for the headaches.. It works pretty good.. I was on the shots for years but now I am on the pills..You seem to have a good personality, You should be able to make friends.. Being quiet isn't that bad..
     
  7. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Well.. went to ER and nothing wrong with the headache thing.. eh.. Just gota live with it. :(

    Im just so drained.. Tired.. Idk.. Im falling apart.. Try to sleep.. Try to eat.. ugh.. Just cant function at all..

    I feel so bleh.. Dead.. ugh..
     
  8. mulberrypie

    mulberrypie Well-Known Member

    youre cool. i hope you feel better soon.
     
  9. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Just try to get some sleep Swift. Hope things improve. :hug:
     
  10. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    :blub: feel numb.. ugh.. Idk.. bleh.. Just getting tired of it. Dont wana really die, but dont wana live.. Not that I have a choice much..

    Living after 30+ suicide attempts... ugg... I feel like such a failure.. but I know Im not.. arg.. I hate how I feel one way and Know Im not that way.. confuses the heck outa my brain... eh... Not sure what to say.. ugh..

    Been lookin at some disturbing stuff, trying to scare myself into not doing anything. Well.. Sorta works somtimes.. eh.. But Im just so numb to people atm.. I feel like I dont give a damn about anyone and Im not sure if Im happy about that or sad.. I mean.. I just wana say "FU World.. I hate this life and I hate people!" and I somtimes just want to kill someone.. but Im confused.. I want to hurt people.. But I dont.. UGH...

    I guess its just anger from all the years of being neglected and alone.. being beaten by neighbors.. Stuffing all my wants.. needs.. feelings... Giving up my entire childhood for the sake of others and avoiding myself and my needs.. Being used over and over.. And finding the world to be a big huge LIE... :(

    I think Ive become so selfish.. I just tear people's lives apart.. And I do it on purpose.. Simply to satisfy my need for attention.. maybe..

    I feel like a manipulative monster.. But I guess it might be because I never got attention.. I never got what I needed.. and as a kid I would hint at what I wanted through actions, not words.. I simply cannot hear the word NO sometimes.. Nor can I say NO when I need to! :blub: Has got me into so much freakin shit not able to say NO...

    I try to help people to much.. Ive always just been the helper.. and I feel like when I ask for any help Im being selfish but.. Its like if I do it manipulatively I dont feel as selfish.. How does that work??!!

    I want to just feel wanted or needed.. I know people tell me that I am.. But I truly dont feel like I am. I dont feel like I really have any purpose.. I mean I help people yes. I am funny, smart, creative, caring... I just dont feel like Im on the same level as other people.. I dont mean to sound all powerful or anything, but its like.. I feel as if Im way older then my physical age.. And it sucks because I can help people with their issues like relationships and not even have had many myself! Its like my mind studies the human brain so thuroughly that I simply immitate human behavior..

    I dont believe Im human. I never have. I simply imitate human behavior. Im not saying in any way that Im fake, I just feel like when I dont know how to handle a situation I imitate other peoples reactions.. And I guess its not THAT bad.. but I feel like a robot. Like Im going through the motions and not really seeing whats going on.

    Recently, in person, Ive felt kinda indifferent to people telling me they are going to commit suicide. I dont know if thats good or bad. Its just.. I think I should care more but I really dont.. So I pretend I do? I guess Im numbed by all the things Ive seen or been told.. or heard of people doing to themselves..

    I feel like I should care more, but getting to a point were I dont seem to care weather someone dies or not. ugh.. I guess maybe Ive just came to terms that I cant do shit and everyone I know is going to die. And Im ALWAYS just going to be left here in the dust to ROT.

    Eh.. I feel as though nothing I say can do anything.. and so, whats the point? I mean, I cant maybe persuade someone to be safe for a day.. But really.. Am I making that person's life better?

    I've been dealing with suicidal idealizations, attempts, nightmares.. etc... etc... for a long time. And I know Im still here. But is my life really better? I guess.. Maybe.. Do I feel it was worth the HELL Ive been through.. I really have no idea. But why should I put others through that hell?.. I guess they will get there anyway.. ugh..

    "Suicide attempts arent worth it".. hmm.. well.. They are and arent.. I feel like suicide would be nice.. but I fear failure to die over the dieing itself!..

    The treatment Lock downs in my opinion are simply there to SCARE YOU into not trying suicide again so you dont have to GO BACK THERE! Theres so much shit in those places. :blub:

    I feel so selfish.. But at the same time I feel like I love the selfishness.. I feel like Im a demon. I feed on the attention! I feed on peoples misery! Its like I want people to feel bad! I want revenge for all the shit the world has given to me!

    Im a killer! sigh... I wonder if Ill get to the point of not caring.. no guilt.. I mean Im already getting to the point were I dont really care if people kill themselves!! maybe.. or just.. idk..

    I should Die.. I should be dead.. Im only going to get worse and cause so much pain.. I feel like one day Im gona go on a rampage.. when Im so numb.. and dont have any guilt about killing. That.. or Im gona kill myself first.. So the world should kill me.. kill me before I get to that point.. before I kill the WORLD!!

    I know this is a suicide forum.. not homicide.. But I feel to me they are almost one in the same. I have both feelings and when I look at suicide.. I also look at homicide.. so.. I should die.. Yet I cant do it..

    I need to die.. But I cant end myself.. I cant... But one day.. I might end all of you..
     
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