Lost again

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Marga, Nov 24, 2014.

  1. Marga

    Marga Active Member

    I would like to share my story here because I feel really desperate. I feel like my life has ended - despite the fact that I am only 32. All my life I had been very shy, afraid of people, with strong social anxiety. I never felt safe and well at home, there were always arguments, I just didn't want to be there. I was bullied a lot at secondary school and was afraid of every day I had to go there, it was terrible. College was more neutral, no friends, no bullying, only a lot of studying, no fun. After college it got a little better, i, got a relatively good job. I had no friends but wasn't really bullied. I also had a boyfriend, although the relationship was far from perfect. Then I moved abroad because of another job. It was supposed to be the best time in my life, good achievement and all. And it seemed even better - i met a guy who seemed to light the spark of real love in me. It was the first time in my life I was happy. The first time I could connect to someone. I broke up with my previous boyfriend because of him. I was more confident and started to even make some friends. However, the relationship wasvery important to me and it made me anxious. This guy was very sociable and popular amongst his friends. Because I was very anxious I was afraid of them. They started to criticise me, saying that i was too quiet. My boyfriend didn't defend me much. Actually he stopped inviting me to their common events. And i knew it was an issue because i wasn't capable of participating in any conversation or fun with them. But I loved him so much. It was the only time i had true feelings. However, he broke up with me in the end, the reason being that i was not capable of being part of the group of his friends. It was terrible bacause i lost him, it was incredibly painful. It was so painful that my brain couldn't take it and one day my feelings just switched off.. I had a total breakdown. This happened three months ago. I haven't been able to feel anything since then. I even had some delusions for a while, although these have stopped now. It was an incredible disappointment for me. I invested so much, I left my previous boyfriend because of him and then i lost him because of my usual issue - social anxiety. I have fallen into an abyss of depression. I started to be afraid of everyone, i can no longer talk to people again. Since the break up things have only gone worse. Suddenly everyone started to turn their back on me. This is a time when i would need friends more than anything else but they all started to withdraw from me. And there started to be signs of bullying at work. From the most happy me i suddenly became a complete wreck. I am scared all the time. It feels like secondary school again. I don't know how it could have happened so suddenly. Everyone has left me all of a sudden. I am completely lonely. I am trying to connect with people but it's difficult. They are not interested anymore. The worst thing is that I had hope for things getting better and then I lost it again. I am tired of constantly fighting and always losing. I am sorry for this long litany, but just wanted to share with other people who feel something similar and can understand. Thank you for this opportunity.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am sorry for what your boyfriend put you through really. Instead of helping you become more comfortable in a crowd he abandoned you. You deserve someone better then him ok
    You know you can be happy because you have been there. Now is the time to reach out for support therapy meds to get you stable again. If you have to move back to your family start somewhere new It will take time you are grieving a loss right now of a dream really but in time you can and will start over and find someone that will stay withyou in good times and the times you struggle. Don't give up ok you are so worth the fight hugs
  3. True-Lee

    True-Lee Well-Known Member

    Hello Marga, Thank You for sharing, I think that you "were" Lost, I believe that you, Now, have been found. I believe you Have Found the Right Place, for this time in your life. I believe that you will find the support and help if you need it, it is often offered without you having to ask.

    I am aware of what it is like to have "friends" turn their backs, I know that sense of loss, abandonment. I am also aware of that loneliness. I have also lost myself, I too have shut down completely, I also have gone through this all before, I don't think that you should feel that you have to accept responsibility for all that has gone on here.
    I don't think or believe that it was your fault he left, he left because he was small and insecure and was losing his Status. I wouldn't want to know him or his so called friends. They are a shallow and insecure group.

    There are quite a few people here that I am sure will be ready to help you find yourself again. You have really taken the right Path to be found. You can make new friends here, they are just waiting to be found, you are in a new and possibly wonderful Place. I hope that you find what you are looking for, You do deserve it.
  4. Marga

    Marga Active Member

    Hi guys, total eclipse and True-Lee, thank you for your understanding and supportive words, it is nice of you. You are right, my boyfriend didn't support me as he should have, maybe. On the other hand, you know what? There was one problem that has always been there with me. For example, it took me a pretty long time to really go into the relationship with him even though I loved him so much (also because I had to break up with my previous boyfriend). It was the usual issue of me being afraid of being loved and of being happy. I always do that. And the same with friends. True-Lee, you were right to put "friends" in inverted commas in your reply. It's true, they actually weren't real friends, because real friends wouldn't have turned their backs on me, right? But why aren't they my true friends? Because I am afraid of having friends. When people happen to approach me and be nice I get scared and run away. In spite of the fact that there is nothing I want more than to connect with them. So the issue is, I find it difficult to accept and give affecion. And it is so sad, because this time I was so close and I tried so much, but not enough. Yes, because I always reject people when they are nice, even though I don't want to, and then try to repair the relationship but it is never the same again. And why the hell I don't learn from my mistakes I don't know...
  5. Chiere

    Chiere Banned Member

    I'm sorry to hear that you've had such a hard time, Marga. I hope you are able to find a true love someday who will love and accept you for who you are. I know what you mean by your last sentence, as I ask myself that all the time. Hugs to you.
  6. Jp1985

    Jp1985 Member

    I'm sorry to hear what you have gone through Marga. Like others have said, you deserve more than a boyfriend who abandons you when you need him the most. True friends are also quite hard to find in this society we live in. Most of the people are so incredibly selfish and run away when you need the support. Don't loose your faith completely, there are still good people in this world who will stand by you no matter what. I really hope you will get over the social anxiety. Finding the right people around you and getting some good experiences will help you with that. You seem like a very nice person, I'm confident that you will make some real friends.

    I can relate to the feelings of being scared of being loved and cared for and all the negative effects it has on your relationships. Having basically everything that should be enough for a good life, having a good job and having achieved something. But still feel like you have nothing and feeling like anything in life doesn't make any sense, feels all too familiar with me too. Just keep on fighting and hang in there. As stupid as it might sound, the bad luck can't last forever and some good things will happen to you too.
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Sorry you are having such a hard time Marga, just want to let you know I have read your post and you're not alone :hug: