tried therapy. I'm too reserved. If I'm upset, especially if it's serious, nobody knows. I always joke, make light of my situation. I couldn't imagine bringing these feelings up to anyone. Even in the lowest times of my life, people would describe me as bubbly, outgoing, funny. It'd be impossible for me to discuss the fact that I'm miserable + want to die. I'm sharing my story in hope that someone wiser will understand + offer guidance, I'm not looking for sympathy. If I sought attention I wouldn't reach out anonymously online. I do not feel sorry for myself. I certainly don't expect anyone else to. I'm 18. I'm with my grandparents after 2 years on my own in another state. I worked, was in college, and was with abusive boyfriend on/off. While I was there I was assaulted by 2 co-workers. I started drinking. Despite evidence, my attackers spent a few hours in jail + continued to live down the block. I filed for restraining orders on both. PTSD caused me to run after a few minutes of facing them at the hearing, so the orders of protection were never held in place. I saw them @ the store, on walks, @ work since I needed income. I had to swallow my pride & come home in April I've fallen even deeper into a void. stopped drinking 20 days ago, I have no distraction from my suffering. I've been looking for work since I've been here, I'll be in school in Fall, but I'm in limbo. I'm fully aware that my existence is useless. It feels like everything is hitting me now. Every repressed pain, harsh reality. My dad died last year after battling cancer. My mom's homeless, addicted to heroin. We were as close as mom + daughter can be. only 14 years apart, so we were like sisters. After her last relapse I had to detach. I have no one to hold onto, open up to I don't know where I'm going with this. It sounds like a sob-story. that's not why I'm here. I have nothing to look forward to and nothing to remember happily. Waking up is a nightmare every day. I need just one tiny string of hope to follow to something better.