Lost all desire to live

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by umxoxo, Jul 28, 2014.

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  1. umxoxo

    umxoxo New Member

    tried therapy. I'm too reserved. If I'm upset, especially if it's serious, nobody knows. I always joke, make light of my situation. I couldn't imagine bringing these feelings up to anyone. Even in the lowest times of my life, people would describe me as bubbly, outgoing, funny. It'd be impossible for me to discuss the fact that I'm miserable + want to die.

    I'm sharing my story in hope that someone wiser will understand + offer guidance, I'm not looking for sympathy. If I sought attention I wouldn't reach out anonymously online. I do not feel sorry for myself. I certainly don't expect anyone else to.

    I'm 18. I'm with my grandparents after 2 years on my own in another state. I worked, was in college, and was with abusive boyfriend on/off. While I was there I was assaulted by 2 co-workers. I started drinking. Despite evidence, my attackers spent a few hours in jail + continued to live down the block. I filed for restraining orders on both. PTSD caused me to run after a few minutes of facing them at the hearing, so the orders of protection were never held in place. I saw them @ the store, on walks, @ work since I needed income. I had to swallow my pride & come home in April

    I've fallen even deeper into a void. stopped drinking 20 days ago, I have no distraction from my suffering. I've been looking for work since I've been here, I'll be in school in Fall, but I'm in limbo. I'm fully aware that my existence is useless. It feels like everything is hitting me now. Every repressed pain, harsh reality. My dad died last year after battling cancer. My mom's homeless, addicted to heroin. We were as close as mom + daughter can be. only 14 years apart, so we were like sisters. After her last relapse I had to detach. I have no one to hold onto, open up to

    I don't know where I'm going with this. It sounds like a sob-story. that's not why I'm here. I have nothing to look forward to and nothing to remember happily. Waking up is a nightmare every day. I need just one tiny string of hope to follow to something better.
     
  2. The Absurd

    The Absurd New Member

    Hey. Just joined this site last night which seems to mean I can't access some stuff like the chatroom, so for all I know, you've already spoken to one or more people that have given far better answers than I can.

    But in case no one's said anything yet, I'll say this-

    I am speaking from a position in life that has never encountered substantial/damaging, lasting loss or pain from an external source. (It seemed appropriate to head anything else I say with that since you've shared that aspect of your life here)

    I largely cannot offer sympathy, because, objectively, I cannot know that kind of pain and I won't patronize you by pretending. By the same token, I also will not offer pity*. (*read as: "poor you, I feel very sorry for you")

    From the few times I have been around people who have suffered some varying degree of loss, I've found that pity is commonly mistaken for being supportive, when in reality it ranges from a few well-meaning but counterproductive seconds/hours of banter at best, and at worst can be mindblowingly callous and offensive at its core.

    I'm unsure of how much formal "guidance", as you've put it, I can offer in a way that I think would be satisfactory. I feel that I lack the experience or the credentials to justify assuming that kind of "top-down" sort of role. I'd say "hey, keep trying therapy, find someone/something that works", but that's pretty obviously your call on how much that's worth trying, since you're the only one here that can truly judge why it hasn't worked out thus far.

    However, you mentioned that you had no one to open up to, and that you didn't feel comfortable with the idea of breathing a word of this to anyone you know in your personal life. That, on some base level, I believe I have a chance of understanding. For a pretty long time, I was in a place where I no longer wanted to live and had no one who knew my real name that I felt I could trust sharing any of that with. Connecting with others anonymously, and the friendships it developed, helped.

    Unfortunately, I can't hand off some straight, 'from me to you' method for handling pain; everything I've learned about it has told me that it's a deeply personal and often convoluted process. But as a person, I can at the very least offer just that; someone to safely share things that for now might not have a place elsewhere. (And maybe, on occasion, brighten the mood; I swear I'm not always this dry) Though I can't speak for others, I have a feeling there are a good number of other people here willing to do the same or better.

    I'm finding it difficult myself to figure out where I'm going with my own post, but if there's any point at all worth taking, that's probably it. I'm frustrated at the inability to offer more, but I offer it sincerely.
     
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