lost all faith and hope

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by firehawk1, Jan 6, 2010.

  1. firehawk1

    firehawk1 Well-Known Member

    for the first time in my life I felt loved and appreciated. I'm not the type to sleep around, date multiple people, go from one to the next etc... - that just isnt me. I dont do that - never have and never will.

    All the things I ever dreamt about was to be with a woman who would appreciate me, and is not shallow or obsessed about posessions or looks but so difficult to find in today's society.

    im a professional person, work for 2 companies including my own, also involved in the music industry and have won global awards for my work. i also believe in improving yourself for the better especially via constructive criticism as its the only way to be, to become better but also to help others be better and help them reach their potentials and success.

    This woman whom I fell so much in love with, was a bit older and had her own children but that didnt bother me at all.

    she fell for me because of my deep thoughts, insightful feelings and because of my good nature, character and because I am just "true", genuine and are very sincere. She has been hurt in the past badly and I just dont understand why people hurt each other, cheat or lie. it makes no sense especially when women get put down or be abused. i actually fight for rights for women to be honest.

    we were so close with each other, had alot of mutual love and respect for one another, were able to open up about anything, talk about anything and make love on a regular basis. it was never about "getting the job done" or anything, or just being with each other for the hell of it - it was so much more than that, where words could never express the things we had.

    we were soulmates, she said this and I agreed. I also gave her an eternity ring but was discussed at length to make sure that I wasnt rushing anything but also to see how she would feel as I am always careful but did not want to scare her away or anything.

    she loved the idea and agreed with it.

    for us, there never was an awkward silence since day one. litrally, since day one. we just loved each other so much, the touches, the kisses.... you name it. everything was very valuable, certainly to me....she understood things that most people wouldn't or would just look at you and think you are wierd when in reality, it isnt.

    she actually had a brain and a heart, even though she was ditzy at times.... thats ok :)

    I did everything for her. was devoted, committed, dedicated, bailed her out when she was about to face eviction, supported her through tough times with her children but also with her ex husband putting her down over the phone, when things were getting tough elsewhere for her - I made her feel so good, comfortable and "sane". she said this herself.

    every night before bed, we would just talk about anything and everything. we would just lay comfortably in each others arms. she said to me that she has wondered were I have been all her life, why there arent people like me around. That to me, takes ALOT to say for someone who has been through hell, who has been raped when she was 18, has gone through a divorce and where people have cheated on her and her friends at the time caused her grief.

    Now where are we?

    broken up. she has got me in ALOT of trouble with the law and I am being prosecuted for something I did not do and it breaks my heart that this women who I spent alot of time, energy with, who I valued and who I took a risk with has done this to me. it makes no sense.
    her interferring friends did not help either but only are controlling her and she cant see it.

    she was doing something which I didnt agree with a few times and my nature is just to walk out, go home, cool down and think about things, put it in perspective and so on then eventually go back, talk and make up. thats how I work. i do not believe in violence or being awkward or playing around. I dont have time for that at all.

    anyway, the 3rd time she did this and she pinned me down on the bed and wouldnt let me go. eventually she did and we didnt talk for a while but did eventually on cold but mutual terms however it was killing me not seeing her as we were pretty tight. i couldnt sleep or eat because of it.

    anyway, it was difficult but no idea why I felt guilty for something I didnt do but she was overreacting again for something that I did not do, but she agreed she wouldnt do either and just caused a big fuss.

    to cut the long story short.....

    the day before she emailed me to say that she loved me and wants me to come round which I thought was a big step and we would work at things, take things slower and what not.

    the following day, even though throughout this whole mess I had no confidence or faith, messed up, all over the place and didnt have any security on seeing how things will end up, I tried all I can with the limited comfort she was giving me. and I mean REALLY limited.

    the following day, she text me saying to delete her number. didnt make any sense.
    So by email (as I was at work) I was of course naturally angry, frustrated and saddened by the whole messing around so I sent a few negitive emails. Not abusive or threatning but just because I was upset and angry.

    then we basically have an unfortunate argument via email and she becomes nasty and I say to her look, please can we put this aside, I am a person of peace and to continue to see each other as arranged the previous day.

    so after work I go straight to hers (she lives 1.5 hours away from me and I travelled ALL the time to her) but on the way there were exchanges of text messages, again of a negitive nature as we were both hurting.

    got there, eventually saw her in tears as was I and her friend was there too.

    So this is what happens:

    She told me to sit in the living room, so I did and her friend sat there too. I tried to talk to her but couldnt get through so thought I would leave. Then she stops me, I sit back down and try to talk to her. This time I try touching her on the arm to establish an emotional connection and for some understanding but still nothing. So I try to leave again, very upset and she stops me again.

    I sit down tried to talk with her friend whilst she answers the door and its another friend of hers and they make out as if they have an evening planned. so I thought I would leave, maybe come back a later date and talk properly and privately but just before I asked if I can speak to her in the kitchen alone, she agreed.

    So I was in tears, upset and asked what the hell was going on, why she is like this, that everything I have done is a waste? She says not but cannot handle the way I am. I stop and asked what she means by it as she never said this before, but I have frequently asked throughout the relationship if things are ok for her, if its going well and if there is anything I can do to make it better but she always gave me positive responses.

    she doesnt explain anything at this point but is upset as am I. Can't talk to her, cannot get through her and im just in a wreck. hurting ...and this is the woman I love and wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

    All I did was held my arms out to indicate a hug. We were both emotional due to time of uncertaintly in the relationship (as she had really messed things up and overreacted due to her actions), she agreed, I embraced her by the arms gently to look into her, and gave her a simple peck on the cheek. At this point, she told me to "get off" a couple of times, to which I did but was in complete and utter shock and at this point, one of her friends walked in and acted as if nothing happened at all and everyone is "happy"

    I just stand there in complete shock wondering whats going on. The friend leaves AFTER pouring some wine for everyone and I just look at her just in disbelief and just saying that I do wonder why she has had a bad past - because of maybe these actions and behaviours. I then put my hand out to give a farewell handshake to which she shakes and I then leave.

    And then I get arrested at the train station. NEVER EVER have I been involved with the law of any kind and I am a man of good clean character. I have a strong upbringing, cultured upbringing also. Complete shock.

    and all this is now being taken to court for 2 counts of assault.

    Just before xmas, she got me arrested for breaching a bail condition, for something I didn't do (she claimed I tried to send messages on MSN! How stupid is that? I dont even have her) and well, she told lies there. Thankfully after the hearing the following day, they let me go thanks to my barrister.

    I am so alone, scared, lonely. Just cannot sleep as I have nightmares and everything I have done for her.... and the conversations we have had, the closeness, all gone and she is probably happy, laughing away with her friends and goodness knows, with someone else.

    this time last year, we were cuddling up in bed, and keeping each other warm due to the weather.
    And now....judgement day countdown.

    :( I am so sad. I have just lost "me". I am broken inside. Everyone says that something is wrong with me as I am not the happy, confident and professional person I was.

    I can just hear the verdict being "guilty". for something I did not do.

    Very sorry for babbling. very sorry.
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Don't be sorry. It's all stuff you needed to get out. :hug: Always here if you need anything.
  3. firehawk1

    firehawk1 Well-Known Member

    I know you are wildcherry and I gratefully appreciate that.

    i just need to say this really as I havent had anyone to explain or tell and made to feel as if I am not allowed to say anything at all.
    im even so scared to hug a woman, to look at them or even to shake their hand and its not good when say I am meeting clients but I somehow have to force myself to shake their hand.

    I am even scared to step out that door at times. all because of this, of her reaction and her allegation?

    you know, I asked at one point if she would ever do something horrible or if she ever has. she stopped and said in a lovely but concerned manner saying she would never do such a thing especially after how she got treated in the past.

    yet, here we are.
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You're allowed to say as much as you want to here. Someone will always listen.

    I know you're scared, and I don't blame you. Not every woman is going to treat you the way she did; but it's normal to be scared.
  5. firehawk1

    firehawk1 Well-Known Member

    my "story" just isnt believable is it? ive just had someone say that to me.
    great. just...great.
    just as i thought/suspected that even though you try to be a good person and know you are, is never good enough. i may as well just plead guilty and not only get a record as well as the punishment, but also be on the offenders list for something i did not do.
  6. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    :hug: I'm really sorry someone said that to you. Just remember that there are people who do believe you.
  7. firehawk1

    firehawk1 Well-Known Member

    thanks. but i know the court wont believe it now. cant win either way. makes you wonder why have a trial in the first place
  8. firehawk1

    firehawk1 Well-Known Member

    damn. i still keep seeing/remembering how great we were and what we usually do together, me being a gent and taking her out, having a break away from her kids. be it going for a walk, or watching a movie, or taking her out for a meal.

    I still remember that during the summer, I took her to this little place which had a small river stream and a shopping mall around it, with restaurants outside and we sat outside of one of the restaurants and had dinner. was absolutely wonderful, and remember seeing smiles on her face and how she held my hand.

    Then we would come back to mine and just curl up on the sofa together, before getting ready for bed.

  9. musiclady

    musiclady Member

    That's really cruel that she would call the cops on you after asking you to stay. Burden of proof is on her to PROVE you did something. Don't roll over and plead guilty when you didn't do anything. Your barrister got you off on part of it, maybe he/she can finish the job. What do you really have to lose? If you plead guilty, it's done. If you plead not guilty you at least have a chance. Worst case scenario, you end up guilty. No worse off. Maybe she will change her mind when it comes to trial. If she doesn't testify, charges can be dropped. Happens all the time. Now you are seeing why she has such a tough life.

    It's sad that she changed so much and ended things with you. But from what you said, it was her doing, not yours. Remember that. Maybe she got scared from being happy too much and subconsciously sabotaged a good relationship. People do that all the time. Good luck.
  10. firehawk1

    firehawk1 Well-Known Member

    thanks musiclady. you are correct. i know how people can react and ive always been there to support her or talk to her or whatever, which is one of many reasons why she has been able to be with me very closely as she trusted me and she spoke about things she would normally never ever speak to anyone about.

    she wont drop the charges. even if she does, it doesnt matter as it is in its proceedings.
    worst case is to be found guilty which means i get a criminal record for life and impacts my career and my life immediately and i would also bring shame to my family and would lose ALL (the little amount left) faith in humanity and my livlihood

    given the fact that violence against women is so "popular", i wouldnt stand a chance.
  11. firehawk1

    firehawk1 Well-Known Member

    I thought I would update everyone with my situation.

    My father sadly passed away 2 weeks ago. I had to drop everything and travel abroad including my mom and sister. They are still there but I came back last week to take care of things.

    I also saw something on the internet. This person posted on a site, begging for money from people as she is apperently getting evicted (again.....previously, I stopped it by loaning her money) and says that she has "broken free" from an abusive relationship, which is not true.
    she also makes further accusations that I frauded her bank account and she had a large sum of money etc.... (really? Since when did she have a large sum of money....if she did, then why ask me for money?)

    Now this is good evidence but do not think it can be used in my case/defence sadly.

    I also just found out she is moving to live closer to her parents. Funny. Last year she wanted to move in such difficult financial times but didnt because I told/explained why she shouldnt and she agreed and felt it wouldnt be right. Now she is moving.... interesting. how did she manage to come up with the money and so on?

    its like she is getting away with it, showing "happy" smiley pictures of herself but is supposed to be abused, traumatised and so on? give me a break, im the one suffering and I still miss her big time. That love we had will always be there regardless how much mud she puts on it. she just cannot accept she was at fault but blames everyone else.

    she also got me arrested 2 days before xmas for apperently breaching my conditions by threatning her? this was never true and I was so scared. What could have happened was that I could have been kept in custody until the trial! Thank goodness that didnt happen but still, its so horrifying. I cannot believe she is like this and has done this.

    I have a meeting with the sols tomorrow but again, as time is getting closer to the trial, the case is petty but my defence is weak and have nothing to stand on I believe. :(

    she is getting away with it.
  12. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I'm so sorry about your father!! :hug:

    The things she's doing could be used as evidence against her. It's worth a try anyway, you should definitely see if it's something that can be used in your case.
  13. thl

    thl Well-Known Member

    Hello FireHwak1,
    I've just joined and I'm not an expert on things that involves feelings... But I would say I'm in a state very similar too yours, except that I never had a chance with the girl I love (and, by her decision, will never have). I've searched for 28 years without finding a single girl who havent run away from me in the very same moment I thought about a possible relation. Now I've taken all my hopes for the future and drown in the toilet. I know your current situation sucks but think that for a brief period you where happier than a lot of other people. Probably it will not help, but I would pay pure gold for a single truly happy day

  14. firehawk1

    firehawk1 Well-Known Member

    i know what you mean bud, and know how you feel cos thats how i felt before i met this women, who turned out to be pure evil in the end.
    each day and night i cry and just miss her/love her but what she is doing is just so not right and unfair, no substance, no understanding - nothing. and also 1 more day closer to the trial for something i did not do
  15. TWF

    TWF Well-Known Member

    I read the whole thread and I must say... this is terrible! You just can't trust anyone. Using the position of the male figure to the female against you, she's a terrible person for lying like that. I understand that you miss her but surely you also feel great anger and dissapointment.

    You keep fighting, bring this woman to justice.
  16. firehawk1

    firehawk1 Well-Known Member

    thanks. I want to exploit and bring this woman to justice but given the way the uk law is, its made for women and they get more rights than men and misuse it, and i have no way of winning.