Lost all hope.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Chelsalina, Dec 21, 2014.

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  1. Chelsalina

    Chelsalina New Member

    I am not kidding when I say I think about about suicide every second of my life. This has been going on for 2 years and just gets progressively worse. I would end it all but I'm too weak and pathetic. I tried overdosing once but chickened out because I was afraid to fail and wake up. If there was a pill that could kill you and not feel any pain I would take it right away. I have no one to talk to. I don't have the kind of relationship that most daughters or sons have with their parents. Every time my parents talk to me it's about schoolwork nothing else. My brother calls me ugly, fat, *****, tells me I have no friends, that I should just kill myself, that no one cares about me. I don't mind much though because I agree with him. I've tried therapy but it was hard to open up to a stranger and talk about my feelings. Medication doesn't work for me either. I dropped out of high school because every morning I would get panic attacks and I never could pay attention in school because I was thinking of ways to kill myself. I would always put a smile on my face and be the nicest I could be to my friends and everyone around me but it drained all of me and when I get home I just isolate myself from my family because I needed time to regenerate. I'm not as close with my friends as I was before because of my homeschooling. I have no one to talk to, nobody to socialize with. <mod edit - guidelines>. Living is just a constant struggle.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 22, 2014
  2. lotte

    lotte Well-Known Member

    Hi Chelsalina,

    Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing!
    I experienced the same thing in highschool so I ended up taking only four classes a day or so during my junior and senior year. I was constantly thinking of methods of suicide due to family circumstances, depression, social anxiety, etc. I couldn't stand people in highschool gossiping and laughing over petty things and seeming so outwardly shallow while I was having visions of suicide. My brother was abusive towards me physically, sexually, emototionally, and I didn't realize the extent of it for a while because i was so deep into the situation. It sounds like your brother is being verbally abusive towards you and if you can't get out the situation, then you just need to stay away from him and ignore him as much as possible. If he really does want you to kill yourself and you end up doing it, then he wins. I think it's sadly common for a lot of high schoolers to feel so emotionally distraught but since they have no way of talking about it openly, they just fake a smile and carry on. Some teenagers are forced into maturing quicker than others because of life events and it might be difficult to see others acting without empathy or care.

    You don't want to commit suicide, trust me. It is so easy for your body to fight you and try to live during an attempt. There's a great possibility that you will end up with irreversible physical damage depending on your method. And if you do somehow survive, you might end up in a mental hospital or other place that you really don't want to be. And in some cases they can keep you there for as long as they want.

    Once you go down the road of your first suicide attempt, it's hard to come back. Pretty soon there might be another and another. It's a path you don't want to take.

    You need to keep trying to find ways of saving yourself. And know that every positive thought or action is a step in the right direction. You need to find positive coping methods that work for you and ways of distracting yourself when you are not working towards the ultimate goal of healing. Perhaps you can try to focus on hobbies you have or have had in the past? Even though they might not seem fun anymore, or you can't seem to focus on them, forcing yourself to still participate can be a great help.

    I'm sorry you are feeling so terribly. :hug:
  3. ceedge

    ceedge Member

    I too have tried but always ended up contacting someone instead. Talking on the hotline chat, via a forum, texting someone, etc. I've run out of friends that talk to me. I like you am afraid I'll fail and end up with some kind of irreversible damage and I can't stand that thought either. I'm stuck. I'm working really hard to get past these thoughts but they are a constant with me all the time. Earlier this year I had a date set (well more than one) but I'm still here for some reason. I have no idea why, but I'm here trying to figure it out.
    I'm in therapy and the thing that I never understand is when I want to talk about it with my therapist or psych dr, they don't want me to. They either don't want to discuss it or want to send me to the hospital. I told my therapist one day if I can't talk talk to the two of you, who can I talk to. I'm not telling you I'm in danger right now, but want to talk about it and why it is constantly in my head. Anyway that was strange for me.
    I disliked high school myself. I never fit in well that I remember. I have dissociative issues so big chunks of memory missing. Anyway things were better for a while when I got out of high school so I hope things change for you.
    I know that in some states you can take high school classes online and graduate without having to do anything in the classroom so I hope you are doing that.
    Being alone to regenerate sounds like an introvert. I'm one. Introverts get their energy from down time. Extroverts from social time. Introverts rule the world you know. We are the creators and inventors. The behind the curtain folks that makes things happen.
    Don't think about what your brother or those high school gossips have to say, think about what you have to say. I expect there is a lot. Not sure what your interest are but sometimes writing, drawing or other artistic expressions help. If nothing else I'd suggest giving yourself a few days, just wait. See if you can get in to see someone to talk to who has all the degrees. If nothing else, give yourself some time to discover you without what all the rest have to say. I hope you'll find you like you without their noise. Take care of yourself and I wish you the best
  4. Standpoints

    Standpoints Member

    Dear Chelsalina,

    At your age you have an entire world of experiences before you. There's no telling how your future may open out for you and what wonders might await. Many stories begin with difficult circumstances consider that yours may just be starting the same way.

    I would not listen to anyone who speaks as your brother does. In my experience, these people are just incredibly broken themselves and are playing it off through bluster, attack and power games. Why listen to such twisted people?

    I am an introvert as well. Introverts can be incredibly observant. Try turning your observation to the simple joys of a day. The way sunlight feels on your skin, for example. The sweet, singular way chocolate tastes. The remarkable complexity of each human being, of you as a human being. There are many things to enjoy if we just turn our attention toward them.

    I wish you the best and for good to come into your days.

    Also, if you are feeling suicidal please contact someone, talk to someone with a positive attitude toward life.

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