I'd never thought I'd say this but I no longer see much of a point in living on. My life is just a mess and I can't remember the last time I felt happy or at ease with things. Every day for over 15 years has more or less been a struggle and I guess everyone eventually reaches a point where it gets overwhelming. I realize that killing myself would in a way be a waste. I'm not stupid or lazy and could probably have had a nice career under different circumstances. I have at least a few talents and I know I made a positive difference in some peoples lives. But what does it all matter when nothing goes my way? When no one will hire me because of gaps and inexperience and when no one wants to be with me leaving me with the loneliness eating away at me. When I'm messed up on the inside and see no way to get myself out of this and feel no motivation to keep on trying. When what I for the most part feel is rejected and unwanted by society. At this point it's just nice to know that the possibility of ending things is there since I never really considered it before. For now I'm thinking I might pick up drinking and other things that it seems the rules forbids me from discussing here in order to numb the pain temporarily. I'm so tired of trying or pretending like things are okay when they are not.