Lost, alone, and scared

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Bngssc4, Nov 22, 2015.

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  1. Bngssc4

    Bngssc4 Member

    Hi, I'm new here. I'm Brittany. I don't know what to say without breaking the rules or causing someone else's triggers, but I'm here because I'm seriously considering ending my life. The only thing stopping me right now is my beloved cat who is very attached to me and I know she'd miss me if something ever happened to me.

    My family no longer speaks to me. The friends I used to have disappeared because my emotional distress was too much for them to deal with. On top of that, I recently broke up with my boyfriend who flat out told me he loves video games more than he ever loved me. I'm still in the same apartment as him and can't afford to move out right now, and there's nowhere for me to go. I have no support system anymore, and my health coverage makes it nearly impossible to get the help I probably need. All I know is waking up each day is harder than the last. I feel so disconnected from the world around me. Everything feels surreal, like I'm not really here. I have no emotional ups and downs anymore; no anger, sadness, or happiness. I see no way out from this hell except death. If I didn't have my cat, I think I'd definitely be gone already. I just want someone to talk to, someone who can understand and not run away scared. I've been abandoned by people all my life, and I never really did anything to deserve it. So when I think about what happens after I pass away, I doubt anyone would notice right away or even care. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi and welcome to the forum, it was pretty crappy of your boyfriend to actually say that to you, what an asswipe. You have come to the right place, people are in distress,people are here to help, people have gone through the whole lot and understand. I just want to tell you that you are not alone here on this site. I hope you stick around because there are some amazing people here. I'm sorry you are feeling so down, are you able to see any doctor at all?
  3. Bngssc4

    Bngssc4 Member

    I know I should be seeing a psychologist, but I've had miserable experiences with therapy and even the psychiatrist route; antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications made me fee okay for a short time before the side effects took a toll. I've tried so many over the years. I was doing great without them for a while, but I do have horrible anxiety. There are very few doctors around my area that work with my current insurance, and to be honest, I'm afraid to tell a doctor how I've been feeling. I'm worried they'll just give me medicine I don't want to be on and send me on my way. I even called the suicide prevention line a couple times over the last week, and both times I was rushed off the phone. The guy even said, "Well, someone else is calling, so you have a good night now and try to get some rest."

    I'm not saying I'm perfect, I know that nobody is...but I don't think I ever deserved any of the abandonment I've dealt with throughout my life. It's very hard to trust anybody anymore, and it makes it difficult for me to open up about how I'm feeling because I've been shut down so many times.
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Wow, what an awful way to treat someone, you really should think of reporting that person on the hotline. No one should be treated like that, not a human or animal, everybody deserves respect especially in times of need like this. I think you should see the psychiatrist and explain to him/her how you feel about talking medication and would like an alternative route. I'm sorry you are between a rock and a hard place, I hope in time you will be able to open up here *hugs*
  5. dying_inside

    dying_inside Well-Known Member

    Dont know what to say but you matter more than what they showed you. Your cat needs you and your life is precious.
    Best wishes! Hugs
  6. Bngssc4

    Bngssc4 Member

    Thanks, Petal. This is the first step I think I needed to take. I don't know how to complain about that kind of stuff or to whom, but it made me never want to call again in times of emotional crises. I was so alone and desperate when I made those calls. I don't want to discourage anyone from calling because they may reach better reps than the one I spoke to twice, but yeah, my experiences were disappointing.

    I feel safe opening up here. I'm very scared for what's to come and scared life will never improve. I wish I had a friend to talk about all this with.
  7. Bngssc4

    Bngssc4 Member

    Thank you. I hope I can reach a point where I feel that way. I mean, I know these hotlines aren't substitutes for psychologists, but the guy just sounded like he got stuck with my call just as he was about to punch out for break.

    I swear my cat senses my pain because she's been more clingy than normal and I do feel slightly better when she purrs in my arms. She looks at me as if to say, "Don't give up, Mom. I need you and I love you." And the truth is I don't trust my ex to take care of my cat if I were gone. So at least I have her to keep me going.

    What do you do to get through the darkest hours?
  8. Tom.p

    Tom.p Member

    Hi there Brittany I hope you don't mind me replying to your post I've been where you are right now I know how hard it can seem right now but honestly there is a light at the end of the tunnel it might start off as a flicker of a lighter but it will get brighter and bigger and I know how your feeling with wanting to end it all I've been there many times but thankfully I haven't acted on it I hope you see this and see your not alone I know it is scary right now I know it gets dark at times but we can all help each other your strong and you can beat this I know it is hard fighting this battle but you can win it just believe in yourself and stay positive I hope this helps in some sort of way if you want to talk more that's not a problem take care Hun
  9. Leon2

    Leon2 Active Member

    You poor thing, what a low life boyfriend, my friend lost his wife a few years ago and he swears he got through it because of his cat ( Muffin) he said it new when he was down and used to comfort him, I believe they do have a sixth sense, I hope in time you will begin to feel better.
  10. Bngssc4

    Bngssc4 Member

    Thank you for your uplifting words. It's so hard to talk about this kind of thing with most people; there's either judgment or the stigma that this is all due to a bad mood. I had a lot of friends that probably meant well and said, "You can talk to me about anything," and it seems that's only true when it's something they can comprehend. When it becomes too much, I just get the "Aw, that's not the right answer. Call me if you ever need to be talked out of it," or, "You're just depressed. Let's go out for drinks." (I don't even drink.) I don't think many people understand that when someone is seriously considering ending their own life that they may have given up talking about it and don't want to "go out." I'm not trying to sound thankless for the help my former friends tried to give, but a lot of it just seems patronizing.
  11. Tom.p

    Tom.p Member

    I know what you mean a lot of people are afraid in case they say the wrong thing you know what I mean but don't feel alone never feel alone I know it feels lonely now but honestly you ain't alone in this it might be a hard fight but it is a fight worth taking your stronger then you can ever imagine please just remember these words they help me a lot look after your self ok Hun
  12. GZ10

    GZ10 New Member

    Hi Brittany, a lot of what you say is the same for me.

    Yes and Yes. It's the same here. In my case, I detached myself from friends before my emotional distress would become obvious to them.

    Yup. You start to feel like everyone is in a bubble and your on the outside looking in. Things start feeling more mechanical and monotonous as well.

    Yes. As do I, you probably have issues with trusting others, relying on others, and feeling as though everyone will eventually betray/abandon you. And if you're like me then you unintentionally push people away before they can do these things to you, because it seems inevitable that they will.

    So with these things in mind:

    Don't let friends coming and going get you down. People are so superficial and very close-minded in our culture. They often lack depth, understanding, and lack the ability to see things from your point of view and resort to generic responses like you said:

    I've heard variations of this line a lot and know exactly where you're coming from with all of this. You can't really make these people see reason. They haven't probably been where you are to relate. I too find it difficult to enjoy social gatherings as friends always seem to want to just get drunk or high. And when these things are not in play most people want to go to very high energy-highly populated areas which I find difficult to enjoy since I tend to be naturally more introverted -- which of course depression only makes worse.

    In regards to your boyfriend, well, I'd say this was a blessing in disguise. Imagine if you weren't depressed and you invested more time in him or married him only to find out much later on how he really is. You've dodged a bullet here; as now you know he's incapable of unconditional-like love. You dont want someone like this as a companion. You are worth more than this.

    It can help to understand depression/these feelings are worsened by aspects of your body chemistry (hormones, fatigue, etc). In other words, you may feel much worse if you've slept badly the night before or have dips in certain hormones, etc. Recognizing this when things get really bad can help as you can sort of tell yourself that your body is making things seem worse than they actually are right now. It will help you calm down a bit.

    Darkest hours, though, I would say that I watch movies alone. I try and watch movies that are unrelatable to the problems I'm having as to not make me feel depressed by association. For this reason I end up watching a lot of sci-fi films as they deal more with the idea of exploration, discovery, wonder, etc -- rather than modern day society, romance, fun times, friends, etc. When you watch films get lost in the plot for a while. I've found movies are the best way for some temporary relief.

    Overall, Brittany, I think you should start living for yourself and yourself alone. Try to develop more self-love/self-growth/self-acceptance/self-purpose.

    Majority of people in our culture end up "falling in need" rather than "falling in love". They try and find someone who will fill whatever they are lacking in themselves; which often leads to problems and dependence issues down the line. There is another saying that two halves dont make a whole, rather two wholes make a complete -- take from that what you will.

    Also, there is a saying by famous philosopher Nietzsche of which I can't remember. But the gist of it is that from extreme depression and unhappiness something beautiful can manifest where it otherwise wouldn't have. You likely have goals and ambitions that you'd like to fulfill in life. So try and use these times of self-reflection, introversion, and depression in order to make those things happen in the future. This can be hard when you are depressed and see absolutely no point in living -- so what's the point right. Well, act as if in 6 months from now all of your issues and depression will simply go away -- all the depression, anxiety, hopelessness, and unhappiness will suddenly correct itself or vanish entirely in 6 months. Again, with that in mind, try to identify or work towards a goal/purpose/hobby that you wouldn't be able to do if you were married, happy, or with a booming social life. This could be anything from self-acceptance, self-growth (identifying the good aspects of yourself to nurture), self-reflection (to identify what you really want in life), educational pursuits (online courses), new hobbies, etc. Keep telling yourself that things will go away in 6 months and that you are utilzing this time to productively work towards a better future, so that when things do get better you will be ahead. Oftentimes when that 6 months pases you will have achieved a lot, and you will be in a better place than you are now. And you may just find yourself a whole lot happier with what you've realized/accomplished.

    I am also certain you will find someone who will love you for all of the good things that you are; someone who won't abandon you. Remember the people in the past who have done bad things to you, abandoned you, etc didn't do it because you are somehow lacking. Rather it is a sign of fundamental immaturity on their part. They are the ones who are really lost, unhappy with themselves, egoic, and fearful, and they have chosen to take it out you rather than coming to realization with themselves and their own problems. Try and trust me on this.

    Too be honest Brittany I think you will be alright and these extreme downs will pass. Dark days of depression and introversion lead to self-reflection which helps to build character, purpose, and identifying whats really important to you. When you come out of it you will be ahead, you will have more depth, you will be a better person, you will know yourself more, and you will know what you want out of life and what's actually important, as well as the type of people you want to surround yourself with.

    Try to love yourself and not feel that you need anyone else in order to do so. Eventually you will be happy and people will be drawn to you.

    I am new here but you have already made a relatable friend if you want it.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 24, 2015
    2 people like this.
  13. Bngssc4

    Bngssc4 Member

    Wow. I'm about to cry...and not because I'm sad, but because I finally feel understood. I have been trying so hard to do things that make me laugh because laughter usually gets me through any hardship. This time it's been really hard to laugh, and I think it's because I've never gotten to this low before. Watching my favorite stand-up or finding funny YouTube videos does temporarily help, so I've been trying to make that my new ongoing routine.

    I am doing a little better. Honestly, my cat melts my heart and I know she would be devastated if something happened to me. I'm trying to remember that. I think I can come out of this.

    My living situation will be changing as of Dec. 8th, so I'm trying to get through the next several days. As long as I have my cat by my side, I can get through it. I'm moving to a completely different state so I'm really nervous and upset to uproot from the familiar.
  14. Bngssc4

    Bngssc4 Member

    Your kind and honest words mean so much to me. You just made a new friend too!
  15. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. I so saddened to hear that you are suffering and scared, You are among people who do care and understand what feelings you are going through. You think there is no hope or light at the end of the tunnel. Your life is not about living in pitch black but there is light. I know I am repeating myself. Just think all the replies you are getting from strangers here means that others walk this world on a daily basis knowing you are suffering and are caring to help YOU. Surely that gives you sone hope in life and helps you overcome any sadness you feel. We can help YOU and overcome any burden or feelings you feel.

    You need to just keep posting here as you can see we do care. Get a daily routine going, keep busy and especially among people socially. Isolating yourself does not help but increases the anxiety you feel. I would swap the love of your cat for your boyfriend. If the cat keeps you going and so be it then. The days are going to be hard and some days are going to be tough. With the festive period coming up, it's might be tough for you but please do not worry as you can get through it with us helping you,

    Take the virtual hand we offer and let us help you. You are important.
  16. Sasuke43

    Sasuke43 New Member

    Hi Brittany. I also have lost contact with many people. But via my own actions of drifting away on purpose. Today my mother sent me a newspaper clipping that said a boy I went to school with for many years Was washed into a lake and disappeared. I was so shocked and saddened...and I realized I had no one to talk to about it. I actually have no contact with anyone I knew or had in my life only several years ago. I realized the people who I interact with have only known me for a very short time... maybe six months. And those are the people I am shopping for Christmas gifts and eating holiday dinners with. And I have no idea why. I got a little sidetracked with this post.....but what I am saying, Brittany, is that I feel lost, alone, scared, and almost certain I would benefit from medical help, but like you, I am financially unable to reach out for help at this time as well. I am certain there has to be a way to feel surrounded my love and light and warmth and we can both achieve this someday :) Feeling alone and in the dark is a scary place to be. I send my positive vibes toward you and hope that tonight you are doing better <3 Things will get better for both of us.
  17. GZ10

    GZ10 New Member

    I'm glad I could help. Rarely if ever am I understood either.

    Yea comedy can definitely help if you have a favorite comedian. Also, watching something nostalgic like your favorite childhood movie/show can help as well; it can sort of elicit those old-good emotions you felt when you used to watch it from happier days. Another thing you might benefit from is ASMR. It can be very relaxing and calming.

    In regards to your move, that makes sense due to a relationship ending. Moving completely out of state can be nerve-racking, and given your not doing so well, even more so. Are you moving so far due to school, friends, family, or work? And is it somewhere sunny and warm like Florida or California....that might lift your spirits a bit.
  18. Thauoy

    Thauoy Well-Known Member

    Hi Brittany, I am new here.I am from eastern India. I am neither so good in english nor in expressing myself. I just want to say that I can feel your pain
    as I do for all members of this forum. Please don't quit and live for your cat. Best wishes.
  19. Bngssc4

    Bngssc4 Member

    Thank you. Ever since I joined this site, I have felt a lot of relief. Today was really tough, with it being Thanksgiving and all, and I was here alone, but I made myself dinner and pampered myself. That usually helps a bit and makes me feel better about myself. I've come to realize my ex and I weren't meant to be and it's okay. It was just hard to go through this after all the loss I've endured this year. When I broke up with him, I felt like I'd lost the last person I never thought would hurt me. My "friends" who think going out for drinks will fix everything say things like, "Don't let some guy make you feel like giving up" and I only get more frustrated with that because this break-up wasn't what made me "give up." It certainly was one of the final straws that broke the camel's back, though.

    Today was hard, but I am working on continuing to make myself smile. I appreciate your kind words and support. I'm so glad I found this forum and can (virtually) be around other people who understand what I'm feeling and know that contemplating suicide is more than being sad about a life change; it's when you feel completely empty or disconnected and stop caring. Anyway, I really appreciate all of your input! I'm starting to realize I will make it!
  20. Bngssc4

    Bngssc4 Member

    It's nice to virtually meet you! My cat is my world and my baby; she needs her and I need her!
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