i feel like i'm at the end of my tether. i've already attempted suicide twice, the first time i took an overdose of <mod edit- methods> and i woke up the next day but felt like a zombie for two weeks. the second time i decided to take a<mod edit - methods> shortly after I vomited and then passed out on my bed. the next morning i was woken up by a phone call from a colleague wondering why i wasn't in work, my mind was so foggy that i told her the truth and she immediately left work and took me to the emergency room. both of these attempts were not cries for help, both times i went to sleep thinking and hoping that I would not wake up. now i want to try again but this time i'm trying to find a reason not to do it. right now i feel like my life is in ruins, i already have a failed marriage behind me and my last relationship ended badly. my marriage ended because of an addiction to sex and pornography which lead me to indulge in some dangerous and harmful activities. my last relationship ended because of my inability to be completely honest. i know that neither of my former partners were perfect and both had their own issues but i recognise that i am responsible for the failure of these relationships. my last suicide attempt was triggered by indulging in reckless sexual behaviour that could have cost me my job, in fact i was convinced i was about to be fired. i felt like i'd lost everything and the guilt and shame i felt regarding my actions were unbearable. i was allowed to keep my job until the end of my contract on the condition that i be assed by a counsellor and attended regular counselling and as well as 12 step meetings. i've done some terrible things over the last 10 years and now it's all caught up with me and I am overcome with fear, guilt, shame and remorse. i found myself alone in another country, my financial situation is sketchy at best, i get by but only just and some months i find myself living a hand to mouth existence. i feel like i can't return to my home country because i have nothing there, yes i have family but i don't want to be financial or emotional burden to them. also if my friends and family knew the truth about me it's possible they would disown me and I wouldn't blame them. i've tried looking for counselling options but they are very limited and seem to be aimed at christian missionaries, i am not a christian and i'm certainly not a missionary. the only other services aimed at expats are very expensive and i can't afford them. i'm not writing this to look for sympathy, i know that the situation i'm in is entirely of my own making and maybe i deserve this. i want to be a good person and i try, a lot of the time i succeed but then i let the demons take over. right now i feel like a lost cause and my death would be no loss to the world.