lost and alone

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by in_crisis, May 5, 2014.

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  1. in_crisis

    in_crisis New Member

    i feel like i'm at the end of my tether. i've already attempted suicide twice, the first time i took an overdose of <mod edit- methods> and i woke up the next day but felt like a zombie for two weeks. the second time i decided to take a<mod edit - methods> shortly after I vomited and then passed out on my bed. the next morning i was woken up by a phone call from a colleague wondering why i wasn't in work, my mind was so foggy that i told her the truth and she immediately left work and took me to the emergency room.

    both of these attempts were not cries for help, both times i went to sleep thinking and hoping that I would not wake up. now i want to try again but this time i'm trying to find a reason not to do it.

    right now i feel like my life is in ruins, i already have a failed marriage behind me and my last relationship ended badly. my marriage ended because of an addiction to sex and pornography which lead me to indulge in some dangerous and harmful activities. my last relationship ended because of my inability to be completely honest. i know that neither of my former partners were perfect and both had their own issues but i recognise that i am responsible for the failure of these relationships.

    my last suicide attempt was triggered by indulging in reckless sexual behaviour that could have cost me my job, in fact i was convinced i was about to be fired. i felt like i'd lost everything and the guilt and shame i felt regarding my actions were unbearable. i was allowed to keep my job until the end of my contract on the condition that i be assed by a counsellor and attended regular counselling and as well as 12 step meetings.

    i've done some terrible things over the last 10 years and now it's all caught up with me and I am overcome with fear, guilt, shame and remorse. i found myself alone in another country, my financial situation is sketchy at best, i get by but only just and some months i find myself living a hand to mouth existence. i feel like i can't return to my home country because i have nothing there, yes i have family but i don't want to be financial or emotional burden to them. also if my friends and family knew the truth about me it's possible they would disown me and I wouldn't blame them.

    i've tried looking for counselling options but they are very limited and seem to be aimed at christian missionaries, i am not a christian and i'm certainly not a missionary. the only other services aimed at expats are very expensive and i can't afford them.

    i'm not writing this to look for sympathy, i know that the situation i'm in is entirely of my own making and maybe i deserve this. i want to be a good person and i try, a lot of the time i succeed but then i let the demons take over. right now i feel like a lost cause and my death would be no loss to the world.
  2. linsaytiger

    linsaytiger New Member

    Hi, friend! Nice to meet you. Hope to be your friend :)
  3. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    You are not a lost cause. The feeling and situation you describe is what others feel. at the moment you feel there is no way out and you cannot see any point in life. I have been there (lowest ebb moment of my life) and understand what you are going through. I will not judge you but will give support through your time of crisis. I'm still here, just about, but that's my own experience.

    First, you took the first step of sharing your story and that takes a lot of courage. Trust me, you got of your chest and that should relief the pressure you are going through. The hardest part for you is that you alone in a different country. You need to focus and get through the next 12 months. Can you speak to counsellor or if not then keep posting here. If you feel you cannot post then PM me. Remember one thing you are NOT alone in your crisis. Trust me, I will try to help you as much as I can.

    Whatever you circumstances, you have to a nice place and where people will support you. Trust me in your hour of need, you have found a place where folks do understand. I hope this gives some re-assurance, so please keep posting and do not fret. Take care of yourself.
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