Lost and confused and hating

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Darkshadows, Mar 28, 2014.

  1. Darkshadows

    Darkshadows Member

    I know im the one to blame for all my problems. I dont blame anyone else. But at the same time how is everything my fault? Its been almost two years now. Yes ive done shameful things, i was hooked on the internet and i used to talk dirty alot to guys an girls. I didnt tell my husband about it because i thought if he knew it would hurt him. So i hid it. He found out an told me he didnt care about the talk just dont lie to him about it. During this time i didnt realizse that i was deeply depressed and seeking attention from any source and any way i could get it. We ended up seperating over it for several weeks and got back together. I had stopped the talking for a long time but began again once i was back to using the internet. Im pathetic i know and ive been told so countless times. But honestly at the time i felt wanted and that made me happy. My husband either worked or slept all the time so i never seen much of him. He always gave me everything i wanted but all i really wanted was to feel wanted still. After awhile his always looking and complimenting other womens looks got to me. Yes it was this way for as long as ive known him. 11 years and we've been together 8 and married 2. I love him he is the love of my life. I have communication issues and so does he along with other things, self doubt, insecurity, not alot of trust. Anyways about 8 months ago we got a roommate. I dont think shes so pretty but whatever. She had just got out of a relationship and was down. Dont ask how or why because i cant quite figure it out myself. She my husband and i ended up in bed together twice. After we did she guilted my husband into continuing to sleep with her by making him feel bad about having used her just for sex. Now yes at the time me and my husband were together but not together if that makes sense. Its been 8 months and they are still fuckbuddies and shes still living with us. Hes always telling me he loves me and that maybe one day we will work things out, but he wants her to move on on her own so that she cant day that he used her. And also that he doesnt want to stop screwing her. This hurts so badly that each day i just slip into a deeper depression. I dont have any idea on what to do. I hate myself and will never forgive muself for the things ive done to hurt him. But do i really deserve all of this? I dont know wether to hang in there and hope for the best or to leave. They dont do anything in front of me anymore but i know they still get together. I also know she says shes in love with him. He doesnt feel the same or so he says. Im so lost i feel so broken and confused. Im bipolar and manic depressive and im not on any meds. Some days i feel like hurting them but mostly i just want to end myself and this horrible misery that i feel. Ithe last time i tried was before xmas of last year. I recently got a gun for vday and im constantly tempted to use it the only thing stopping me is my kids. But i dont know how much longer that will last.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Time to end the relationship ok you are not only harming yourself but your children to allow t his to continue He is an adult and he is not being guilted into anything he makes his choses
    you need to do what is right for YOU ok and walk away
     
  3. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry that this has happened to you. I feel terribly that you are in this disastrous situation. It all sounds so unfair! While I don't think you deserved this, I do think it might be a wise move to get rid of the gun, so that you don't make an impulsive decision in a moment of weakness. Best wishes! Also: I second total eclipse's conclusion...
     
  4. Darkshadows

    Darkshadows Member

    Ive thought about leaving to but i dont really have that option yet. I have no money because i dont work and no friends or family to stay with. The town im in is so small they have no shelters and the city i dont have a car to get to. They take both the cars to work. Im trying to just hang on until my son starts school so i can work and start making money. But right now im stuck between two rocks and no where to go but down.
     
  5. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    No Darkshadows, you are worth a lot. You need to focus on your son. It takes a lot of courage to post here and just be positive. Please keep posting and take care.
     
  6. Darkshadows

    Darkshadows Member

    I do focus on my kids they are the only ones that keep me going. I try to keep positive even though my whole lifes pretty much negative.