Lost and confused

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by Stormy, Aug 24, 2016.

  1. Stormy

    Stormy Active Member

    Very new here and just found this sub category that I didn't expect on here.
    This could be a long post but I will try to keep it as simple as I can.

    I first met my (now ex) husband in 2004, and was already a young single mum to my boy.
    I guess I had pretty low self esteem then, but the fact that he was willing to take me on with a child amazed me. He was intensely charming and I fell hook, line and sinker.
    I very quickly became pregnant with and had my daughter.
    Anyway over time he became extremely abusive, emotionally, physically and sexually.
    He took sex when he wanted it and I was unable to say no. He would just take it anyway, so what was the point in making him take it angrily. It only made it more painful for me.
    But the more of me I tried to give him, and meet his needs, the more he took.
    He would have sex with me in my sleep, he drugged me and got my private areas tattooed by an inexperienced idiot whilst a random group Of men watched, waiting for their go on me.
    He would make me have Sex with other men, tie me up and let his friends do as they please.
    I woke up in some very odd places and situations and still have very little memories about what happened to me. The bruises told me enough though.
    Anyway, when things were so bad I sought help from domestic violence charities and managed to leave him. It took 2years of living in safe houses because he stepped up the abuse hugely once I left.
    With help I went to the police, but he was bailed and I stupidly dropped charges after being convinced he had 'changed'.
    The entire relationship ended in 2012 when I started to learn about and understand the dynamics of DV.
    Due to disclosures my children made, he was unable to see them safely.
    Life was going so well for me and my kids, they came through it relatively well and we were a strong family unit.
    Then, out of the blue he came back. I had no idea, I opened the front door to a knock one evening, never expecting it to be him, but it was and he forced his way in and carried out a long night of extremely embarrassing and painful abuse. He did what he could to humiliate me in every way, and didn't leave for around 7hours.
    I didn't fight much, because it seemed to make him enjoy it more and my children were sleeping upstairs, I didn't want to alarm them by screaming and shouting. They didn't need to see that.
    When it ended I had no idea what to do I actually did nothing but bathe. The police were the last thing I wanted after going through that, I now see that not going to the police was my biggest failure, because i failed to protect my children.
    I left my home for a safe house again with my children, and although it was disruptive for them, we were safe and together.
    Until children's services got involved.
    They removed my children from my care as I hadn't protected them, then they contacted him and let him know where the children and I were.
    He obviously denied everything to them and blamed me- I'm crazy, he was with his new partner that night, he couldn't of attacked me.
    Children services actually believed him. They have now come to the conclusion that I am a complete liar and think he is the best thing since sliced bread.
    He has convinced them that I made everything up, and they believe it. I am now down as a mum who emotionally abused her children by making them think they were abused. I am not allowed to be unsupervised with my children (now 12&10 years) incase I put abuse in their heads and he will soon be getting unsupervised access to his daughter.
    (I have always said he should see her, as she misses her relationship with him but after her disclosure I wanted it to be supervised) it was children's services that stopped him seeing her, and he didn't ever try through court or anything.

    I don't understand how it's got this far, with everyone believing every word he says, even though all the records and assessments he's had show he is a chronic liar, but they have dismissed all of that.
    My children are distressed, they want to be with me, they know what he did to us all.
    But they are ignored, any disclosures they make are dismissed and put down as me putting it in their heads. (They don't know what happened to me but they know what they saw and heard and remember what happened to them.)

    I am not only still being abused by him but now social services seem to be abusing me too. They won't listen or acknowledge any of my witnesses/evidence etc because it doesn't suit them. They have also alienated all my DV support, by any means necessary.

    Now I have nothing. He has finally truly taken everything for me and without my kids I have nothing left to live for. All these memories haunt me day and night as well as the torment of knowing my daughter could be at real risk and not being able to protect her.
    I can't do this anymore and can't cope with being called a liar and an abusive mum when all I have tried to do is protect my kids. They are so scared of him but nobody seems to care.

    Sorry if this makes no sense there is so much of it at the mo.
    I just don't want to be a dirty disgusting slag anymore. Everything he said to me has got into my head.
    I don't want to go on without my children with me, they are what got me through all his abuse last time, without them I have nothing to fight for, and fighting for them is impossible because children services make up more stuff every time
    I see them.
    I don't want this life anymore
     
  2. Stormy

    Stormy Active Member

    On top of trying to deal with this tirade of abuse, I am left with chronic pain due to the abuse my body has taken. I am living in the house where he attacked me and I am shutting myself away from everyone because I am just so low.
    I've had 5 years of therapy to try and come to terms with the abuse but when he came back and did it again, I went straight back to square one.
    This is a dark and scary place to be, and it has taken a lot for me to put this all out there, so for every other poster in this category, you are amazing! Reading your posts helped me feel strong enough to let some of mine go, so thank you all x
     
  3. moxman

    moxman Well-Known Member

    Hello Stormy, I am Mox

    Hello and thank you for joining us at SF. Thank you for sharing your story with us. The more you share the more we can help you. I invite you to read my personal story below in green. Just know you are not alone in your pain and suffering. Everyone here is battling his/her own demons. You are among friends. No one will ever insult you or ridicule you for any reason; that BS is not tolerated here. We will give you emotional support and lots of hugs. If you are feeling like you are going to hurt yourself that you will take yourself to the nearest ER and get the help you need. The help you deserve. We want you to be SAFE. If you are having a bad day or if you are upset do not hesitate to reach out to someone here at SF and we will help you the best way we can.

    Can't you take out an restraining order out against him? Or do something to protect yourself from future harm?

    Take Care
     
  4. Stormy

    Stormy Active Member

    Thanks Mox,
    I Have an injunction order against him, but he has a habit of breaking the orders.
    I've been in boxing you so I'll continue to talk to you that way x
     
  5. moxman

    moxman Well-Known Member

    that is perfectly fine with me

    i do hope you have a wonderful weekend seeing your beautiful children

    I care for you and I care about what you are going through

    Take Care