Lost, and confused.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Getting.Worse, Nov 18, 2009.

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  1. Getting.Worse

    Getting.Worse Member

    Ok, I am at a complete loss here and at my wits end. I have OCD and am depressed as fuck. I have stopped my meds because I don't see them helping me, and I don't feel like shelling out the 90$ a month, this is with a federal government health plan.(In Canada, both my parents work for the federal government) This brings me to my age, I am 19. Basically, I have seen things go from worse to fucking terrible. Over this past year I have been hospitalized two times. Once for being in psychosis, the other for an attempt. Both stays lasted about 1 month each. Basically my OCD has been getting bad, as I have been having obsessive thoughts about suicide, and the part that scares me the most homicide. My compulsions have been focusing on this as well. Which is really fucking scaring me, as this intrusive thoughts have gotten me excited about wanting to carry out the compulsion.. I have been trying to cope with this issues with selfharming, and self medicating. I just don't know what to do anymore. I am also terrified that I may APD or better known as a sociopath. But that is another issue. The reason I am here is because I am so scared of what I could become I want to die, and I am compulsed to kill myself to prevent anything from happening and letting the anxiety go away from my OCD. I need help but I don't know what to do. I see my psychiatrist in a few days, but am terrified she will freak out when I tell her how I am feeling again. I can't afford to go to the hospital again as I am still in school right now. Please help me, I don't think I will last much longer in this state. I don't know what to do.
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I'm really glad you reached out here. Feel free to drop me a PM if you want to talk.

    You really do need to tell your psychiatrist how you're feeling. I know it's scary; and if it's too hard to say, maybe you can print out a copy of this post and show it. But in order for them to be able to help you, they need to know exactly what's going on.
  3. Getting.Worse

    Getting.Worse Member

    I don't think I have a 'problem' of telling her how I am feeeling. It is more I don't want to be locked up and miss the end of my semester. Which is what stresses me out. I just dont know anymore. I figure I will tell her and if she tries to commit me I would just run I guess...
  4. Getting.Worse

    Getting.Worse Member

    Things got worse today. Since I started cutting 6 months ago or so, I was using a knife. But today got really bad, I used a scalpel blade and it made me feel so alive. I am worried about things getting out of control, I still don't know what to do. I see a counsellor/therapist on Monday, and my psychiatrist on Wednesday, but I don't know how to last till then. :(
  5. mrk

    mrk New Member

    Can you try to refocus your obsessions?

    I once traded an obsession with another. I was obsesses by a girl. She rejected me. So gradually I stopped to daydream about me and her and our adventures and I started to daydream about the perfect world, the human colonization of space, being in command of a mission to contact alien civilizations, etc... maybe all this seems stupid but it helped me not being stuck with the obsession with that girl. After a while the issue become to replace the new obsession but this is another story.

    So my suggestion is, find a new obsession and/or try to distract yourself, for the latter I suggest videogames (sport or adventure videogames, skip the kill-all genre of games), movies, porn.

    The top would be to direct your energy and you attention to productive things, like doing gym and developing a strong body or building a career, but anything non-destructive would be and improvement over your current obsessions.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 19, 2009
  6. Getting.Worse

    Getting.Worse Member

    Obssesed with Killing myself, Compulsed to carry it out.

    I hope noone minds me adding onto this. I don't see a point to making a new thread, mainly an update I guess. But the same shit is happening, it is getting worse. I saw my psychiatrist recently, and they suggested I write down the obsessive thoughts that I get. I wrote them down, and was excited by them so it made things worse. I have called 4 Psychologists to start therapy, but all are not taking on patients and I am on a waiting list which is like 2+ months long. I don't see my psychiatrist again until the new year, which is fucking awesome. I was able to get referred too two social workers who I called and left a voicemail, but I don't see myself waiting anymore. It is like I slipped through the cracks. Which, is not all that uncommon I guess. Just reaffirms my believe that I am already dead. I don't feel anything anymore, I haven't for a while.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 1, 2009
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