Ok, I am at a complete loss here and at my wits end. I have OCD and am depressed as fuck. I have stopped my meds because I don't see them helping me, and I don't feel like shelling out the 90$ a month, this is with a federal government health plan.(In Canada, both my parents work for the federal government) This brings me to my age, I am 19. Basically, I have seen things go from worse to fucking terrible. Over this past year I have been hospitalized two times. Once for being in psychosis, the other for an attempt. Both stays lasted about 1 month each. Basically my OCD has been getting bad, as I have been having obsessive thoughts about suicide, and the part that scares me the most homicide. My compulsions have been focusing on this as well. Which is really fucking scaring me, as this intrusive thoughts have gotten me excited about wanting to carry out the compulsion.. I have been trying to cope with this issues with selfharming, and self medicating. I just don't know what to do anymore. I am also terrified that I may APD or better known as a sociopath. But that is another issue. The reason I am here is because I am so scared of what I could become I want to die, and I am compulsed to kill myself to prevent anything from happening and letting the anxiety go away from my OCD. I need help but I don't know what to do. I see my psychiatrist in a few days, but am terrified she will freak out when I tell her how I am feeling again. I can't afford to go to the hospital again as I am still in school right now. Please help me, I don't think I will last much longer in this state. I don't know what to do.