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Lost and Confused

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by skittles13, Jan 21, 2010.

  1. skittles13

    skittles13 Member

    Im writing this here so that i dont forget again. so that its real. so that i can get input.

    I got my Official Diagnosis on monday. its not good.
    Dissociative Disorder NOS
    Schizotypal Personality disorder
    Bipolar II
    Social phobia

    In my head i know i should feel SOMETHING about this. but i dont, cant. im scared though, scared of no feeling anything about it because i know that i should.

    Then i looked inward. i dont know how but i see it now, maybe its because i have a lable for what happening now. Dissociation. maybe its because i know what it is now.

    I can see the emotion tucked away, not feel it, just see it.

    Im getting lost now just writing this. hard to keep focus, hard to stay HERE.

    I looked deeper. tryed to see beyond the emotion im supposed to feel.

    and i just see myself. a reflection that isnt a reflection at all. it comes in flashes now and as i watch him my chest hurts. the first real connection with him. hes crying, sobbing, broken down, and i make a connection in my thoughts.

    Thats my emotion, its been locked away.

    hes not the same as me, hes young, hes a younger me, who i once was perhaps, before it got this bad. he doesnt see me. he doesnt see anything, he just sobbs, rolls around vilently, mumbling things that dont make sence.

    i can remember me doing that a long time ago

    im now scared to feel

    scared to be him

    i dont want to look at him anymore, but the flashes keep coming. now i cant look away

    i can feel now, i can feel a little bit of his pain. i can still hold back the tears though.

    im scared and dont know what to do. This is dissociation. i can see it now. understand it... now i am scared of it. i diddnt know this would happen if i looked.

    my hands are now shaking, my head hurts. the tears i will not let them come. i dont want to be him. that pain is to much. that pain has almost destroyed me. but at the same time... isnt this what i wanted... to feel.

    i regret it now

    i want to stop writing and forget now

    i cant hold it in anymore

    this was a mistake

    im sorry
  2. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    ...it's normal to be scared when you've been diagnosed. It makes you feel inhuman- but you *are* human. Please remember that! You are human and no human is perfect, skittles~

    I feel the same as you at times... I know that I should be sad, or happy or mad- I see it, but I don't feel it at all.
    I think in some cases, that counts as being in shock.
  3. skittles13

    skittles13 Member

    as so i have learned never to auto write ever ever ever again....
  4. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    dissociation is a mechanism of defense we learn to protect ourselves...I have it sometimes too...it is very helpful in times of crisis but then when you dont need it anymore..it can be a problem...you need to learn ways to control that mechanism so it comes out when you need it and goes away when you dont need it...

    therapy can help you with that...the fact that you understand it and spot it when its on is a great thing...you're way advanced than most...