So once again I am sat at the window, looking at a life I wish I had. I feel miserable, I feel hopeless, and my plan is looking ever clearer. I have been feeling so low when the happiness wears off, I cant depend on others making me happy. I need to be happy for myself. I feel so alone, even with my daughter around. My bf is not assissting matters and is just dragging me down. I cant really all that explain why I am feeling like my plan is a valid option to take, I have what I need, minus the guts to actually do it. I want to be the happy person, that laughs and has fun. I want to be smiling more than crying. I want to feel something. I want to feel loved, I want to be able to love. Iam broken. I try so hard to be what everyone needs me to be. But I have never been what I want to be. I have never done what I want to do, and I will never be able to do it. I sound so selfish. Isound so self centred. But I feel so forgotten, and lost. I want to be comforted when I wake up in tears during the night, not ignored and forgotten. I wantto feel like I have someone I can talk to, but with him around, I have no one, I cant even talk to friends without his constant interrogation... "who are you talking to, what are you talking about, why are you smiling, why are you laughing" I see no end in sight. I am feeling so trapped with him, and so alone. I want to leave him, but part of me is terrified of the consequences of it. Each time I think of it, the plan just gets closer and closer. Tonight I am scared, and I dont know why. and all I can think about is how many boxes of this and that, and if it will be enough. SH isnt causing even the slightest relief from any of it. I feel like calling upon desperate measures, because that is all Iam good at.