Lost and Failed

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by yous, Jun 7, 2010.

  1. yous

    yous Well-Known Member

    Well I failed. I tried real hard to be the person there for this one person I cared so much about, but the person just didn't want me. It has happened so many countless times that I have been rejected in so many different situations and reasons I just can't even begin to describe.

    I don't know what people want anymore. I tried to be a great friend to people, but people just don't want that. What the f? I totally believed I'm cursed now. I have no way else of describing it. I wanted to prove this idea wrong, but now it's 100% true. I'm damned in all the ways possible.

    Somebody, somewhere must hate me so much that they have a voodoo doll of me strung up with all the needles in the right places. Whatever I do I walk into a HELL. Whenever I try to be a good person, it turns so bad on me that it puts me right back to where I started. What have I done so incredibly wrong to deserve this!!???

    You can't believe how hard it is for to me to fight off this depression!!! To not be the person I don't want to be!!! This lonely, angry, sad, person. That's not me!! It's not what I would wish on people! Yet it always comes back to get me!! i don't understand it!

    The day is approaching quickly where I gonna end my life once in for all. This is no joke. I have searched endlessly for an outlet, for a positive light, but it always returns me back to the negative. And now I just assume that's where I'll always end up so why fight that. Just let it consume me and I'll soon disappear without any care to this stupid, pathetic life of mine.
  2. absolution

    absolution Forum Buddy

    Dont quit hun :hug: hang in there you can do this...you're not alone even tho it may feel like that right now.... :hug: stay and keep talking. Dont worry about trying to be a "good person" just be the best YOU you can be!!
  3. yous

    yous Well-Known Member

    No I'm sorry. I'm quitting 100% now. I have quit before, but this is the last straw. I am not like some of you who still have life left and are young. I'm this middle aged, pathetic, soul who can't see or find a reason to live anymore. I gave it all a go, and what I got nothing but pain and suffering. I'm doing my last things in life and then that's it. I already set a deadline. I'm gone I'm telling you. I needed a huge miracle to save my life. I wasn't asking for much of a miracle either, but everyone has hopes and dreams. For me it is just impossible. I've been in this position far too many times. I'm tired of it.
  4. absolution

    absolution Forum Buddy

    :hug: dont quit hun...stay and talk
  5. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I guess I am a little confused about what you wanted. You said you wanted to be there for the person... like as a friend to comfort them. However, you make it sound like they rejected your advances as well. So I am a little confused :sweat:

    I do not know what people want either. I am trying to understand, then I think what do I want? My answer a person. Then I thought wow I don't want someone just because they are human. I think at times I give off This aura that I just want someone because they are human. Not a good aura to give off.

    Screw this person, if they do not see your love then they are blind. At least that is what others might say.
  6. yous

    yous Well-Known Member

    All I wanted was a friend who reciprocated friendship and care.

    I mean this person I'm talking about didn't ever even ask the generic, "how are you?" phrase in the beginning of our conversation.

    I was there for this person when they wanted me to hear them out, but if I were to say anything that went bad with me, they wouldn't even ask further than what I said. In fact there would be a pause in the conversation until I brought up something they were interested or troubles going through. They would literally ignore me as we would communicate unless it related to them. So the relationship was very one direction.

    I guess I cared about this person a little too much. I know that I did. I felt responsible for them because they were going through the exact same thing I had gone through in the past so I could relate. I didn't want this person to go through the same Hell I did with nobody who cared about me then. There comes a point when you can offer yourself to a person in times of their need, but they just don't see/want it. I understand this. And I guess I was hoping there was an appreciation there because if someone like me was there to care when I was going through shit I would be far better than I am now. But there was nobody there for me back then. Now I'm here for this person and they are rather naive to even realize. So maybe a person's gotta a lot to learn about friends, but I'm lost and gone before any of that is realized.

    We all need somebody at some point in our lives. Sometimes just a person to talk to, sometimes someone to save us from whatever. Right now I need a miracle. I'm starting down my spiral again. I'm beginning to go back to my depressive routine and my thoughts are now all on misery. I know I will never succeed, never find a great friend, never just have someone I could trust and talk to. It is literally the end of my life.
  7. yous

    yous Well-Known Member

    I just realized what I wrote sounded confusing. oh well.
  8. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    you are not a failure from what I'm reading....you have been a good friend and it sounds like the other person is a taker and you are a giver.....don't blame yourself for how they are...
    I can relate to a lot of what you said.....I have the expectation that what I give I will recieve back but with most people it doesnt happen....
    I'm this middle aged, pathetic, soul who can't see or find a reason to live anymore....that's me too so I can relate.....

    don't give up ...you sound like a kind, caring person and you will attract people who can see that and take advantage of it....
    there are nice people out there who will love you back....you just gotta keep looking..
    I know it's hard when you give up so keep talking to us and let us help you through...
    and those negative thoughts have to go...only positives please...
    we care about you and are here for you so dig those heels in and fight...

    "you're only a failure if you don't get back up when you're down"..
    I read that somewhere.
  9. yous

    yous Well-Known Member

    No I'm sorry I can't. I pretty much given up. I'm never going to go looking for anyone again and I am no longer going to offer my kindness, advice, or whatever about myself ever again. I look at everyone now as just 'somebody.'

    I'm just going to do the last things I have to do with this pathetic life and end it once in for all. My grandpa died never seeing me succeed, never seeing me like all the other kids off successful in their jobs, marriage, kids, etc. It pains me to have to see my other family members never seeing me successful in this way too. It's embarrassing like you wouldn't believe. They go to parties where everyone is all successful and when asked what I do, I or they have to lie for me. Making up some story that I'm busy with some important goal before quickly changing the subject to congratulate whatever they have successful in their wonderful life. I can't take it anymore. Why should I fight it? Why should I work on being happy anymore? It's not in my life. I was never meant to be happy. I was meant to do be sad and miserable. I tried proving that wrong, but no I'm right.
  10. yous

    yous Well-Known Member

    Thank you all for trying to make me feel better. :cool:
  11. yous

    yous Well-Known Member

    So this is my thread and I'm back in the loop again of being depressed. I'm not sure how I can recover. It gets me so mad that I try something new and it fails on me. That I simply don't try anymore. I mean why do I even bother? I gave my last shot and I'm giving up. I just don't get it. I'm a good person but bad things always happen to me. I just don't get it.
  12. alices_ponder

    alices_ponder Well-Known Member

    I am truly sorry to hear that you are having a rough time right now :hug: I wish I could take all your pain away and make you happy.. I know I cant but I can give you support! You don't sound like a failure or a let-down to me. You sound really kind and sweet the way you want a proper, meaningful friendship.. I am sure that is what everyone wants :hug: You do seem like a good person with good intentions and I really hope that you give life time to help you.

    Are you currently seeing a therapist? It might be a good idea as it will allow you to get emotional help, talk about EVERYTHING that is bothering you and even to sort out what is bothering you and leave it in the past. I hope you do take that little bit of advice. I hope you hear from you soon <3 :hamtaro: xoxoxooxox
  13. yous

    yous Well-Known Member

    I thank you for your support and kind words really meant a lot. Really.

    I went to a "clinic" that held a session for depressed people, and I just don't know. They ask you questions like "so what's wrong with you?" And it's just a turn off. Plus therapy is so expensive. I just don't have money.

    I just need somebody to listen to and reassure me at times I go off the deep end. It sounds all selfish and miserable, but I really have no one else to turn to about this.

    It is a problem I know.