Lost and my own enemy.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Flashbulb, Sep 16, 2010.

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  1. Flashbulb

    Flashbulb New Member

    Hey..
    This is the first time I have ever expressed both my feelings and my personaly experience on a forum like this but I felt that any help is worth taking and this may be a great place to start.

    I feel completely alone, alienated from the majority of people, especially the people I care about. The fact that I lie on a regular basis regarding how I feel, what I'm doing and such just causes me to feel even more alienated. Yet at the same time, I want to be alone, I want to be no part of another human beings existence as it just creates sorrow and anger. I seek solitude in films, music and drugs. It's quite strange really because I actually feel within my comfort zone when I feel sorry for myself, push friends and family away.. the prospect of listening to post-rock or ambient music or even watching a deep film dwarfs any want to have any social connection.

    I have infact attempted suicide twice, over the past two years of which both were intentional drug overdoses. Caused a devastating amount of heartache for family and friends as they were completely clueless to my true mental state which has just left me resenting them because I'm treated like a moron. For example; My dad would come into my room to check I was alive every morning.. I'm 19. My mum actually found me the second time I attempted, in my bed, so this action my father had taken was just in retaliation to what I had done but still, I resent them. Nothing is enough for me anymore, nothings motivates me other than the prospect of k coming into my possession.. or overdosing to rid the land of I, a useless boy.

    Everyone is under this impression that I need to find myself a job, as this will be the magical cure. Absolve me of all my suicidal thoughts as I'll be too busy to even think of such things when at work, bollucks. :( I'm just my own worst enemy. There are few things I would love to do, I look at people who are undertaking travelling adventures, festivals, martial arts and resent them for this to. I want to do these things, however, something within blocks any motivation to do it and flips the want into negative thought patterns, telling myself that I would be unable to do such a thing, It's not humanly possible. I'd love to go to India yet I stop myself because it seems like a task that would be impossible for me, someone of no skill, talent or self-confidence.

    My parents are growing tired of having to prop up an unemployed worthless son, who grants no pride.. which, envitably, is going to lead to me leaving home. Currently all I want to do is just die. Take a concoption of drugs, enjoy the last time on earth whilst in a narcotic stupour and die, comfortably and that's that.

    I appreciate you listening.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 16, 2010
  2. shuddertothink

    shuddertothink Well-Known Member

    I know all too well how you feel. And i also have the same problem with drugs as well, but... i'm a Heroin addict, who uses K every chance i get. But that's not important. I am inthe same situation more or less. I don't have any words of wisdom to offer, and well if i did i wouldn't be on this forum. But if ever you want to talk i will be glad to listen, because you and i are in the same boat more or less, you can PM me or email me or even IM me. my contact info is:

    Shuddertothink@live.com (msn messenger)
    Shuddertothink30@yahoo.com (yahoo messenger)

    my email addy is Shuddertothink30@yahoo.com

    no pressure, i just wanted you to know i am here if you want to talk. My name is Matt.
     
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