Hey..
This is the first time I have ever expressed both my feelings and my personaly experience on a forum like this but I felt that any help is worth taking and this may be a great place to start.
I feel completely alone, alienated from the majority of people, especially the people I care about. The fact that I lie on a regular basis regarding how I feel, what I'm doing and such just causes me to feel even more alienated. Yet at the same time, I want to be alone, I want to be no part of another human beings existence as it just creates sorrow and anger. I seek solitude in films, music and drugs. It's quite strange really because I actually feel within my comfort zone when I feel sorry for myself, push friends and family away.. the prospect of listening to post-rock or ambient music or even watching a deep film dwarfs any want to have any social connection.
I have infact attempted suicide twice, over the past two years of which both were intentional drug overdoses. Caused a devastating amount of heartache for family and friends as they were completely clueless to my true mental state which has just left me resenting them because I'm treated like a moron. For example; My dad would come into my room to check I was alive every morning.. I'm 19. My mum actually found me the second time I attempted, in my bed, so this action my father had taken was just in retaliation to what I had done but still, I resent them. Nothing is enough for me anymore, nothings motivates me other than the prospect of k coming into my possession.. or overdosing to rid the land of I, a useless boy.
Everyone is under this impression that I need to find myself a job, as this will be the magical cure. Absolve me of all my suicidal thoughts as I'll be too busy to even think of such things when at work, bollucks.
I'm just my own worst enemy. There are few things I would love to do, I look at people who are undertaking travelling adventures, festivals, martial arts and resent them for this to. I want to do these things, however, something within blocks any motivation to do it and flips the want into negative thought patterns, telling myself that I would be unable to do such a thing, It's not humanly possible. I'd love to go to India yet I stop myself because it seems like a task that would be impossible for me, someone of no skill, talent or self-confidence.
My parents are growing tired of having to prop up an unemployed worthless son, who grants no pride.. which, envitably, is going to lead to me leaving home. Currently all I want to do is just die. Take a concoption of drugs, enjoy the last time on earth whilst in a narcotic stupour and die, comfortably and that's that.
I appreciate you listening.
This is the first time I have ever expressed both my feelings and my personaly experience on a forum like this but I felt that any help is worth taking and this may be a great place to start.
I feel completely alone, alienated from the majority of people, especially the people I care about. The fact that I lie on a regular basis regarding how I feel, what I'm doing and such just causes me to feel even more alienated. Yet at the same time, I want to be alone, I want to be no part of another human beings existence as it just creates sorrow and anger. I seek solitude in films, music and drugs. It's quite strange really because I actually feel within my comfort zone when I feel sorry for myself, push friends and family away.. the prospect of listening to post-rock or ambient music or even watching a deep film dwarfs any want to have any social connection.
I have infact attempted suicide twice, over the past two years of which both were intentional drug overdoses. Caused a devastating amount of heartache for family and friends as they were completely clueless to my true mental state which has just left me resenting them because I'm treated like a moron. For example; My dad would come into my room to check I was alive every morning.. I'm 19. My mum actually found me the second time I attempted, in my bed, so this action my father had taken was just in retaliation to what I had done but still, I resent them. Nothing is enough for me anymore, nothings motivates me other than the prospect of k coming into my possession.. or overdosing to rid the land of I, a useless boy.
Everyone is under this impression that I need to find myself a job, as this will be the magical cure. Absolve me of all my suicidal thoughts as I'll be too busy to even think of such things when at work, bollucks.
I'm just my own worst enemy. There are few things I would love to do, I look at people who are undertaking travelling adventures, festivals, martial arts and resent them for this to. I want to do these things, however, something within blocks any motivation to do it and flips the want into negative thought patterns, telling myself that I would be unable to do such a thing, It's not humanly possible. I'd love to go to India yet I stop myself because it seems like a task that would be impossible for me, someone of no skill, talent or self-confidence.My parents are growing tired of having to prop up an unemployed worthless son, who grants no pride.. which, envitably, is going to lead to me leaving home. Currently all I want to do is just die. Take a concoption of drugs, enjoy the last time on earth whilst in a narcotic stupour and die, comfortably and that's that.
I appreciate you listening.
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