Lost and scared.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by HawkHood, Oct 25, 2014.

  1. HawkHood

    HawkHood Active Member

    I just need to put my thoughts down. I hope that's ok.

    I have a “crisis of confidence” lately … I was developing a fairly complex website content management system (PHP/Javascript/etc) from scratch a while ago that I've returned to lately and know the code engine I have is good, but I got so wrapped up in the other sites (one in particular) that I've been working ion in the last year. I just keep feeling really dissociated from what I've done, as though somebody else wrote everything.

    For some reason I can’t wrap my brain around my own work. I feel like a failure for not being good enough anymore. It’s like yet another reminder of how much I fail. I never even intended to end up where I am... I studied neuroscience and I'm doing THIS? I’m 33 next month and I’m basically a useless bum.

    I’m also just really very low lately. My sleep is horribly disturbed. I don’t know if it’s sleepwalking or a facet of DID, but I never know who I will be when I wake up. I mean that literally. I know that I have a period of time where I hold a completely separate set of ideas about where I am, who I am, and memories. Sometimes those aren’t just dreams, but the experiences are very real, in as much as it’s like erasing years of my life and waking up regressed to a certain time and place. It's confusing, and upsetting. Sometimes I lose a couple of hours in the day as well, especially when I'm anxious and I can't stop it from happening.

    It’s gotten worse since the therapy I was receiving was put on hold by the NHS a couple of months ago. I can feel myself slipping sometimes and the best I can do is replay some of the exercises that we did in therapy and spend some time where I sort of “listen” to one alter especially, but it’s painful and difficult to guide those experiences and not lose control :(

    The urge to self-harm, or worse, is increasingly stronger, and my fear of myself is growing.

    As stupid as it sounds I used to have a pair of dumbo rats that "took me out of myself" and gave me something else to focus on (I don't have any local friends since my divorce) but after the eldest recently died I can't replace them (no local pet stores). It's not just that -- it's a general inability to focus on anything to take me out of my mind set. I feel so un-grounded (if that’s a word). It's so hard to drag my mind into a place where I am stable and in the real world and keep it there.

    I’m scared of going to sleep, but I’m scared of waking up. I feel incompetent and I feel like I’m really not capable of anything. I feel incredibly stupid for the few years I wasted on my second ex and for letting so many years pass whilst I do nothing. And then I feel overwhelmed and inadequate to any task I might set myself. It’s like I’m just waiting for another rock bottom to give me an excuse to give up entirely :(

    Sorry for venting. I’ve been going over this in my head and kind of "talking" to the one alter who I can kind of exchange thoughts with even though I still feel like I just want to let him take over everything. I'm sure he'd be more capable. I just needed to get it out somewhere :/ I'm lost and scared. I just don't know if I'm capable of a future.

    Thanks for reading.
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Wow, what a post. The reasoning you give is interesting but what you have done and achieved is tremendous. You have to take that achievement in to your personal life. I think you need to take a sport up that will help get tired and help you to sleep. I feel what you feel but exercise gets me tired and puts me into a good sleep. Each day is hard but I keep to a routine which helps me whilst I suffer my depression. It will help you but keep posting for further support and remember you not alone in suffering what you feel.