Lost and Scared

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by fear, May 4, 2012.

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  1. fear

    fear New Member

    I am increasingly becoming more and more suicidal everyday and simply seeking help. I am a two time suicide survivor, I tried to kill myself when I was an adolescent ages 14 and 15. I feel like my life is shit, although I am married, educated and currently working on my MA, I still feel incomplete. My husband and I been together for 9 yrs and married for 2 in Aug' 12. I have several problems in my life that has triggered this urge in me to kill myself, and it seems to get stronger and stronger. I hate myself tremendous I have gotten fat, I am depressed, my hair fell out, and I do not know what to do or where to turn. I am scared. My family is dysfunctional beyond any form of dysfunction I have ever seen, I they still affect me because I am an adult and they still fuck with me negatively...and I am tired of them.

    They hate me even more that they think I am successful and I am NOT I can't even find a job due to lack of experience in the field. My husband wants children and we are not sure if I can conceive, I have been diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovaries. I have never been pregnant before, currently have no insurance. He has cheated before and one of my biggest fears is that he will return to that behavior if a doctor say I cannot have children. I have a list of shit going on that has me at this point...and my soul is tired. I am tired of struggling for everything I have or get, even when we work so hard. I believed educating myself would assist in me having a better life, especially financially. I have a associates in health administration, a bachelors in human service, a certificate in Applied Forensic Specialization and working towards my MA in Forensic Psychology: Applied Forensic Services. By the time I graduate I will have accumulated 120,000 in students loans and possibly no job. My school is not any help because I am a online student, but I am in the same state in which my school is. It seems as though all my efforts are never good enough. Sometimes I believe I will never have success and will always struggle. I just done, I have been thinking of ways that I can kill myself without much pain, although I have come up with a few and I am not sure if it will actually work. This thing we call LIFE is very SHITTY. Sometimes I think how can I be a future helping professional and a psychology major, and be fucked up mentally myself. But I guess life can have anyone fucked up.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hpe you walk away from your family keep clear of the ones that are screwing with your mind stay out of that toxic environment If you are not well then having a child is not a good idea your husband should see that You are in the medical field so you know there is supports out there for you to get stable i Hope you reach out to a professional that can heal some of that torment you are in hugs
     
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