Lost best friend to suicide

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by yeahyeahyeah, Jan 10, 2009.

  1. yeahyeahyeah

    yeahyeahyeah Member

    My best friend committed suicide in september. We are both guys so it feels so gay writing this as we are straight, anyway since he did it I have really been strickened with grief. It has really affected my relationships with others (as I am usually very depressed), and I just can't seem to concentrate on my studies.

    The reason for being in grief is simple, we were such close mates that we knew each other inside out, there were things we told one another about ourselves that I haven't even told to my family, he was like a brother to me in that respect and now that he has gone I feel as though I have lost a component of myself.

    Very often I have been trying to mask this by being extremely confident, but underneath it I am so incredibly depressed. And there are times I snap, or reach breaking point where I have in effect lost friendships as a result of this. My studies are not going very well due to a lack of concentration and motivation for them. I have felt like quitting, but due to the current economical climate it is not a viable option. I have seen a therapist to deal with this, but it has not solved the route of the problem, rather it gives me a short term high. At times I have felt suicidal since - its been really unbearable!

    His family members I have increasingly felt reluctant to talk too, I mean I don't want to inflict my grief onto them so haven't. What is the best way to grow from the grief process?
  2. I'm so sorry for your lost! I know exactly how you feel, i wish i could help you.
    I guess you need time to grief and after try to move on with your life, try to hang out with your other friends (if you have) or family. I'm sure your friend would like that more than that you feel depressed.
    I give you a big hug! :smile:
  3. yeahyeahyeah

    yeahyeahyeah Member

    My best friend had so much faith in me, in his last text message he said that I will make it big one day. I have tried to used that to fuel my ambition by fulfilling what he has said, but its been so hard because I do feel that although he said it out of his best intentions it has placed additional pressure on me (on top of my own personal aspirations).

    It also feels as though everyone else is moving on with their lives whereas despite my greatest efforts I am not, I feel as though I am not growing positively from this situation, rather every day is a constant battle to let my grief not overwhelm me. Again I feel as though I cannot discuss this with friends and family, because for the most part they cannot relate and even if they can I don't want to inflict my negativity on them - which will not be well percieved. (It hasn't gone down well, rather very often I have to put a silly front on, which I can only do for so long)

    Thanks for the virtual hug, it has brought me some warmth :)
  4. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Hello there,

    When I was reading your post I felt like I was listening to myself back in 2004.
    In August 2004 my best friend committed suicide and the feelings you describe, is what I experienced back then. School went down the drain, relationships with my other friends became difficult because they didn't understand my grief (they didn't know my best friend).

    I still some times have problems with it, missing her very much, but it's gotten less painful in general.
    Unfortunately I can't tell you exactly how to grow from the grief process, all I do know is that it takes time. And talking about your friend also helps.
    Maybe not with the people who don't understand you. I know I've tried that a few times. But if they don't understand it's just different.
    You might want to talk about him on here, as there are several people I know of that have lost a close mate to suicide, so there definitely are some people who can relate and understand your pain.

    If you'd rather talk in private, feel free to hit me up on IM or anywhere (information is in my profile) or PM me.

    Thinking of you and wishing you a lot of strength through this hard time.
  5. I could take every word you wrote and put it in my mouth. My brother killed him self 5 days ago and i already feel like everybody moved on! It's sad how people don't respect others grief..:sad:
    As i can read from your post you were friend to wish yor, so don't put hard on your self, if your friend had so much faith in you, he also believed that you'll be stong for him, he didn't want that you put pressure on yourself he wanted that you move on and be happy, nothing else. Please try to get negative thoughts out of your mind, and think without pressure cause i'm sure your friend didn't wanted that. He loved you, just like my brother loved
    me (even we said those words only once). So what he did, it was his choice,
    he decided it was only way for him. He never wanted that you feel bad,
    so i'm holding fingers crossed that you find somebody to comfort you.
    I know how is to be alone with nobody to talk, at least someone who cares.
    I wish all the best! :hug:
  6. yeahyeahyeah

    yeahyeahyeah Member

    Thanks, his suicide is still fresh - 4 months. I spoke to the family today, and it seems to be that they are feeling the same way.

    I am really worried that this may cause me to mess up at school, how have you been getting on since messing up at school? Have you moved on?
  7. yeahyeahyeah

    yeahyeahyeah Member

    You have my condolences, today I was speaking to the sister of my best friend who committed suicide. She was crying over the phone, and I can only imagine how she was feeling, I mean I know I am feeling it badly, but for her it must be difficult.

    Thank you they were strong words :hug:, it will take time to recover from this.
  8. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    There are many steps to the grieving process and each person moves through them on their own. You may feel sadness, anger, guilt, and other emotions as well. If possible spend time with your friends family. They ar grieving as well and you may be able to comfort each other. Try not to dwell on the negative things about his death. Celebrate the life he had and the things you shared. Hold onto the good memories of the times you had together. You may even want to write them down so when you are feeling particularly sad you can read through them and recall how happy you both were at that time. Suicide is hardest on those left behind. My heart goes out to you and his family. :hug:
  9. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Fortunately some teachers at school knew I was depressed, so they were easy on me. I graduated only cos of one teacher taking it easy with the grading of the final exams, hehe.

    I don't think I'll ever move on, my friend will always be in my heart, and it hurts to think about the way she died. But I try to think about the happy memories as much as possible. And knowing that she was convinced she'd go to heaven and God, etc, makes it a tad easier too, cos I know she died happy. 'knowing' she'd go to a good place and all.

    What I think, is that you best tell someone at school, if they don't know already. They could give you a break or take it easy on you, if they knew what's going on. Surely they'd understand. :hug:
  10. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I'm so sorry for your loss.

    Perhaps you should try grievance therapy to help you cope?
    Don't try to deal with this alone :hug:
  11. Fern17

    Fern17 Well-Known Member

    Hi there,

    The first thing is to realize that the grieving process takes time. Like Akasha said, it really does take time...and it is different for everyone. In the course of 6 years, I lost several people very, very close to me --including my sister-in-law, who committed suicide. It's tough, even for those of us who "get it".

    I am impressed with your wisdom, though. You know that you can gain some positive things in your life from this horrible event. I'd say you're definitely on the right track.

    Do talk to people at school, and though I can't speak FOR your friend's family, I can say that they would probably get a lot out of having you in their lives. I know a woman whose son (my age) died in a car crash when he was 20 (16 yrs ago). She still gets phone calls and Christmas cards from the group of guys who were close friends to her son. And it is super helpful to her. She gets a lot out of that connection.

    Be kind to yourself. It has only been a few short months! Grieving truly does take time. And it is a natural, normal and necessary part of life after the death of a loved one. And if you don't grieve now, you will later regardless. When my sister-in-law died, I was there for her (our) family and somehow put my own grieving on the backburner. (Not sure how--it just happened.) However, the grief hit me full-on months later. I thought I'd made it through without having to grieve much. But it did come. It always comes.

    You have my sympathy and I send you a huge hug. Keep in touch. Let us know how you're doing.