Lost Control Today

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by JV3, Aug 5, 2012.

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  1. JV3

    JV3 Well-Known Member

    This is embarrassing to admit, but today I just got so stressed that I just start beating my head against the wall repeatedly. I have no idea what I was trying to accomplish. I think I just wanted to knock myself out. I feel so stupid sometimes.

    I wonder sometimes about the state of my mind and my ability to think rationally. In high school I was this big "prodigy." I was literally at the top of my class and well on my way to being valedictorian. When depression and anxiety kicked in everything changed. I had a lot of panic attacks and there were many times I stopped breathing all together, and there were not always adults or others around when this happened. I've read that things like that can cause long term brain damage.

    As I've gotten older (and I'm only 26), I feel like mentally I've digressed. I don't feel "as smart" as I use to. Common sense things like remembering how to add and subtract or remembering how to spell and type correctly allude me. Thank goodness for calculators or I wouldn't be able to do my job.

    Today, I was in mid-conversation several times and I just completely forgot what I was talking about. It was so embarrassing. I know people don't understand, especially ones who haven't known me long. It's so hard for me to concentrate for extended periods of time at work.

    I know hitting my head against a wall doesn't help either. When I get so upset about things I just say, "might as well finish the job and ruin the rest of my brain." I do know it was stupid to do, though, and I don't know why I reacted that way.

    - J
  2. JV3

    JV3 Well-Known Member

    To add more...

    One of the things that's so depressing for me is to see myself going crazy and really not functioning correctly all the time. I knew the potential I had and the person I was. I knew how smart I was and how unique my mind was. The person I'm becoming. The more I lose touch with reality. The more easy, common sense kind of mistakes I make every day - mistakes normal people shouldn't make the more I feel devastated. I think about what I could have done or who I could have been. I don't know how fix my mind. I feel so helpless to put myself back together.

    Sometimes I want to kill myself because I don't want to turn into an insane recluse who can't function at all in the real world.
  3. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    I think you're being too hard on yourself JV3. Anxiety and depression can make simple tasks seem difficult. Maybe don't put so much pressure on yourself and avoid stressful situations. Banging your head against the wall sure sounds painful. I hope you didn't get a concussion, but that would cause you to forget things.
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