Lost girlfriend

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by K3, Mar 19, 2007.

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  1. K3

    K3 Well-Known Member

    Hey..

    My names Josh, im 15 years old. When I was 13, I lost 2 girlfriends.. they both killed themself.. One for what I did personally.. And another because.. Well she was a rape victim.. After thouse days, I found this guy called Alex. He's helped me out through alot.. Nearly every single obstical that I clash into.. But recently.. Iv been feeling like.. I can't rely on him anymore.. Because im just putting more preshure on his life..

    Iv got short/long term memory loss.. So I generally have a hard time remembering alot.. I recently rememberd about my girlfriend.. How she died... What she looked like... Why she loved me.. Why I loved her so damn much... She was beautifle... I didn't... Didn't want to lose her... My other girlfriend.. She killed herself because I was messing around with her... I had a friend over on the day.. And me and him were messing around.. I didn't realise she felt that way.. At that point.. It.. I.. Killed her?... I killed them both.. Because of my stupidity! I shouldn't have! I loved them both!...

    After it happend.. I felt like nothing could drag me out of the dark hole I called life.. All I wanted to do was curl up and die.. Stay in a coma.. Anything... Just to be with her agian.. Iv been trying to find a girl like her... I just can't... No-one is like her.. No-one...

    To make stuff worse.. My g-dad who I was extreemly close too, Died about 2 weeks ago... It still hurts to think of him... Im scared.. Cause everyone is dieing around me... One person I don't want to lose most of all is Alex.. Because he is the closest thing to a brother iv ever had... It sounds kinda.. Gay to say this.. but I actually love him. He's so funny.. Cool.. Smart.. If im hurt.. He always finds out whats happend.. I end up having a grin on my face...

    I don't know what to do if I lose him though... I know I will someday.. But... I just know on that day, I'm going to go too..

    A lonely kid waiting for the day...
    -K34nu

    Current song: 9 Crimes - Damien Rice

    I just can't handle it anymore.. All this pain inside of me.. All this pain I cause.. I want to talk.. I can't.. I have certain aspects of me.. I just can't tell.. I try to help but im useless.. I truely am useless..

    Why do I carry on?..

    I just. Want to show him that im worth something.. Im not a worthless peice of shit everyone thinks I am.. Im confused.. Maybe im not worth anything?...

    Im confused.. Should I carry on.. To keep everyone happy?.. Living a life as a burden to myself.. Or can I just... Die now.. Because thats all I really want to do recently.. Lifes just so repetative.. My family has turned from me..

    Im not even shure im worth something to Alex anymore.. Although he may say differently.. What would I be worth if I died tonight..? How would people remember me?.. Would they even remember me?.. Im sure Alex would forget about me a few weeks later.. Friends.. Possibly a few months.. Family.. Possibly a few years... Everyone will forget about me someday... As I sit here clenching my teeth.. Trying to stop the tears streaming down my face.. Is this the only place I can truely open out too?.. Im shaking where im scared...

    You say something.. Yet I know you mean different.. why do you taunt me? Can't you just tell me the truth..? All I truely want to do... Iv been feeling like this for 4 years now... (Yes.. Befour the deaths) I just hide all of this.. Reality is.. I suffer from severe depression.. Iv tried to kill myself 24 times now.. Nearly everyone of them stopped by Alex or another friend..

    If I was to take the plunge tonight... Would anyone stop me?..

    Current song; 3 doors down - If I could be like that

    I have no use though?.. I just. I can't hide it.. I can't cover it.. Im just so god damn worthless.. I just curl up into a ball.. Covering my head with my hands.. Trying to cope.. Iv always had this sorta... Dream you could say.. That I would be standing ontop of a building with Alex, and just scream.. As loud as I can. Then look back at him smiling. God.. Feels like my heart just smashed in two.. Argh.. Snaped...

    I just don't want to cause anyone a burnden anymore though.. I know if anyone reading this.. they'll just think.. "Hah.. Your pretty pathetic.."

    Just keep glancing over at the huge box of tabs... That amount.. Id die.. quite quick and painlessly...

    Alex.. He's strong.. He can live through alot.. He doesn't show much emotions.. Laughs in the face of death... My idol... He just.. I don't think he knows it.....

    Im going to stop posting now...
    -Keanu
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 19, 2007
  2. lilboyblue

    lilboyblue Well-Known Member

    it sounds like you have a pretty good friend. that's something to hang on for. and I do not think you're pathetic, I think you're very sad. I noticed that you project your thoughts onto other people, that you assume that they think bad things. try to be mindful of that, because it will only make you feel worse. have you ever seen a therapist or thought about it?

    I am so sorry you feel so bad.
     
  3. K3

    K3 Well-Known Member

    I saw a psychiatrist for a few years when I was younger.. But that was for different reasons... I can't see a therapist because of the fact they cost too much.. Due to family issues.. (Mom and dad splitting) we don't have alot of money.. And I can't really help making myself feel worse and worse.... Its just something I keep doing... Thanks for the advice though...

    -K34nu
     
  4. lilboyblue

    lilboyblue Well-Known Member

    if you're still in school, maybe you could talk to someone there? at least get pointed in a direction to someone you could talk to. having friends is a wonderful thing and they can provide you with support to get through this crap, but I really think you could benefit from seeing someone trained in psychology.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 19, 2007
  5. K3

    K3 Well-Known Member

    Iv tried that.. but whenever I went.. I never really said much.. Or acted like nothing was happening to protect my family.. Like when I was going to get tested for ADHD.. I told the doctor complete lies because I thought something would happen to my family..

    I also have anger management problems.. Another reason why I get upset quickly...

    Once agian.. Thanks for the advice.. and quick reply..

    -K34nu
     
  6. lilboyblue

    lilboyblue Well-Known Member

    one good thing about medical and psych people is that they are bound by ethical and professional codes to keep patient info and communication confidential, except in very specific cases where the person may harm themself or others. I found the hard part about being honest with my therapist was more that I did not want to admit certain things... but I guess that's what its all about.

    keep coming here though, folks here are quite understanding and happy to listen.
     
  7. K3

    K3 Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the replys. Its good to have someone to talk too...
     
  8. Nakur

    Nakur Guest

    Cause you wanted me to say this K34nu... -humps- xD
     
  9. K3

    K3 Well-Known Member

    Hehe ^_^;; Alex! :D
     
  10. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member

    :hug: After talking to Alex for the first time last night, I can tell he thinks alot of you - and I think that that says alot :hug:
     
  11. K3

    K3 Well-Known Member

    What does it matter anymore? After living in this house for 15 fucking years.. My family finally don't want me anymore? They calling Social services, getting me taken away. Fuck-it. Im leaving home. Im not living with someone I don't want too. Id rather put a bullet in my head. So as from me, Cya later everyone on this forum. Because im either OD'ing or leaving home. Both of them mean im not going to be online..

    -Josh
     
  12. AlwayzGodsBaby

    AlwayzGodsBaby Account Closed

    hey, Josh. I know ur looking to fill an emptiness in your heart. That's why you look for people to fill it. But, you know, there's only one, Jesus Christ, that can fill you. He walked holy on this earth, and died so that you may live. You know, I have friends that were suicidal, too, and some that even attempted it. But, you know, they found everything they need in Jesus Christ. His blood has power, and there is never a case too difficult for Him. Come to Him today, and you'll see what he can do. Contact me if u have any questions.
     
  13. K3

    K3 Well-Known Member

    Fuck-it. I can't take all of this anymore.. Family.. Friends.. Alex.. I do one thing wrong for my family, and they basically try to get rid of me.. Iv told Alex to fuck off because I don't want to report my life to anyone anymore... I know it was wrong.. I did it for the wrong reasons, but.. I can't just waltz up to him and say "Hey Alex, i'm going to kill myself!" It just.... Would hurt me personally to much to say that to him.

    If anyone is to find this, I just hope it isn't my family.. I know how much I hate them at the moment, because they want to get rid of me.. But I just... I don't want to see my mom hurt.. I know she will be from my death... Yet... Yeah... I can't say im not scared.. Im petrified... I think its for best though.. I never was a good student.. I never was good at much.. I shouted abuse at people cause I couldn't handle my own life... Im sorry all if I have caused you pain during the last 15 years..

    Please, I beg of you.. No-one stop me. Because you do... and it'll just happen agian...

    Im sorry for putting a burden on anyone who read my previous posts. I just don't.. Want to live anymore. I know how selfish it is.. Im just finding..

    I'm sorry.

    The last words from Joshua Tucker - 21'st May 1992 till 21'st March 2007.
     
  14. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    Jesus christ isn't always the answer for people especially when they don't believe. I for one believe what i believe adn don't appreciate bible thumpers trying to push their views onto me.

    As for this thread please hang on Josh...i know it doesn't seem like there is much hope atm there might be in the future :hug: MSN if you need to talk.
     
  15. AlwayzGodsBaby

    AlwayzGodsBaby Account Closed

    hey, Josh. take it from someone that knows what it feels like to be on the brink. GOD CAN SAVE YOU! Please don't do it. <mod edit: Malcontent - unsupportive> As for those that don't like this advice, it doesn't matter. because I was there and know people that were there, and have been rescued from it by Jesus Christ!!
    "For God so loved the world that He gave His only Begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him, shall not perish, but have everlasting life." John 3:16 HE LOVES YOU...He can heal your pain, no one else can. Just open up your heart once more, you will see the results. <mod edit: Malcontent - personal information>
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 21, 2007
  16. Ndesinor

    Ndesinor New Member

    Hello! I know what you are ging thru, you feel that no one understands you and that people take you for a door mat. I too was there. I was at the point of actually killling myself, becasue I felt empty and everything I did to fill it, I just keep feeling more and more empty. But the day that I found Jesus Christ he saved me. And I am here today to tell you that there is hope, Jesus loves you more than you could ever imagine. He sees that you're battling with a decision, and I know that you really don't want to hurt the people you love. Jesus understands and he is one person who will "NEVER" forsake you. you have tried everything else, just once try Jesus. Jesus loves you very much.
     
  17. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    The only person that can heal your pain is you yourself, you can't rely on people or God IMO to save you. You have to want to get better, have to want the pain to end. Josh know that there are people here that are willing to talk to you and just listen, me being one of them. I hope that you are okay at the moment, and I hope tht you get through your pain without having to do something permanent. Pls don't hesitate to contact me.
     
  18. K3

    K3 Well-Known Member

    Sorry... Just... Someone give this link to Nakur in 4-5 hours. Not any time sooner. http://www.suicideforum.com/showthread.php?t=25174&page=2 Not any time sooner. He'll just think it was another one of my attempts otherwise.. /swt I don't want that happening... And I know him, he'll stop me... I don't want that happening either..

    Sorry Alex for being the worthless.... That I always have been. I say this Alot, and I know it. But doesn't that say something to you? Times you called me Little bro.. Well. That finally did put a smile on my face... Y'know that time you said you'd teach me how to... Well.. Sorry that I couldn't keep up my end of the promise. Theres alot of reasons.. And im sorry I have to do this so close after Michelles death.. I'm.. Just sorry.. I can't say it any clearer than that... I hope you live your life well. Take good care of everyone for me......

    Just because im not there, doesn't mean im not watching over them.. If I see anything bad happen to them.. I want you to help them out.. Please..

    Sorry....

    The Final Final.. Words of Joshua Tucker... 21'st May 1992 - 21'st March 2007. 2 months off 15 Years Old....

    I want to be rememberd for my work, and stuff that happend. Not this...
     
  19. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    Preaching and trying to convert people is not welcome have. Please refrain from posting such comments unless it's in the soap box forum
     
  20. K3

    K3 Well-Known Member

    This.. Seems to be the end... Im extreemly tired...

    thank you all the people who have supported me...

    -Josh
     
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