Hey..
My names Josh, im 15 years old. When I was 13, I lost 2 girlfriends.. they both killed themself.. One for what I did personally.. And another because.. Well she was a rape victim.. After thouse days, I found this guy called Alex. He's helped me out through alot.. Nearly every single obstical that I clash into.. But recently.. Iv been feeling like.. I can't rely on him anymore.. Because im just putting more preshure on his life..
Iv got short/long term memory loss.. So I generally have a hard time remembering alot.. I recently rememberd about my girlfriend.. How she died... What she looked like... Why she loved me.. Why I loved her so damn much... She was beautifle... I didn't... Didn't want to lose her... My other girlfriend.. She killed herself because I was messing around with her... I had a friend over on the day.. And me and him were messing around.. I didn't realise she felt that way.. At that point.. It.. I.. Killed her?... I killed them both.. Because of my stupidity! I shouldn't have! I loved them both!...
After it happend.. I felt like nothing could drag me out of the dark hole I called life.. All I wanted to do was curl up and die.. Stay in a coma.. Anything... Just to be with her agian.. Iv been trying to find a girl like her... I just can't... No-one is like her.. No-one...
To make stuff worse.. My g-dad who I was extreemly close too, Died about 2 weeks ago... It still hurts to think of him... Im scared.. Cause everyone is dieing around me... One person I don't want to lose most of all is Alex.. Because he is the closest thing to a brother iv ever had... It sounds kinda.. Gay to say this.. but I actually love him. He's so funny.. Cool.. Smart.. If im hurt.. He always finds out whats happend.. I end up having a grin on my face...
I don't know what to do if I lose him though... I know I will someday.. But... I just know on that day, I'm going to go too..
A lonely kid waiting for the day...
-K34nu
Current song: 9 Crimes - Damien Rice
I just can't handle it anymore.. All this pain inside of me.. All this pain I cause.. I want to talk.. I can't.. I have certain aspects of me.. I just can't tell.. I try to help but im useless.. I truely am useless..
Why do I carry on?..
I just. Want to show him that im worth something.. Im not a worthless peice of shit everyone thinks I am.. Im confused.. Maybe im not worth anything?...
Im confused.. Should I carry on.. To keep everyone happy?.. Living a life as a burden to myself.. Or can I just... Die now.. Because thats all I really want to do recently.. Lifes just so repetative.. My family has turned from me..
Im not even shure im worth something to Alex anymore.. Although he may say differently.. What would I be worth if I died tonight..? How would people remember me?.. Would they even remember me?.. Im sure Alex would forget about me a few weeks later.. Friends.. Possibly a few months.. Family.. Possibly a few years... Everyone will forget about me someday... As I sit here clenching my teeth.. Trying to stop the tears streaming down my face.. Is this the only place I can truely open out too?.. Im shaking where im scared...
You say something.. Yet I know you mean different.. why do you taunt me? Can't you just tell me the truth..? All I truely want to do... Iv been feeling like this for 4 years now... (Yes.. Befour the deaths) I just hide all of this.. Reality is.. I suffer from severe depression.. Iv tried to kill myself 24 times now.. Nearly everyone of them stopped by Alex or another friend..
If I was to take the plunge tonight... Would anyone stop me?..
Current song; 3 doors down - If I could be like that
I have no use though?.. I just. I can't hide it.. I can't cover it.. Im just so god damn worthless.. I just curl up into a ball.. Covering my head with my hands.. Trying to cope.. Iv always had this sorta... Dream you could say.. That I would be standing ontop of a building with Alex, and just scream.. As loud as I can. Then look back at him smiling. God.. Feels like my heart just smashed in two.. Argh.. Snaped...
I just don't want to cause anyone a burnden anymore though.. I know if anyone reading this.. they'll just think.. "Hah.. Your pretty pathetic.."
Just keep glancing over at the huge box of tabs... That amount.. Id die.. quite quick and painlessly...
Alex.. He's strong.. He can live through alot.. He doesn't show much emotions.. Laughs in the face of death... My idol... He just.. I don't think he knows it.....
Im going to stop posting now...
-Keanu
My names Josh, im 15 years old. When I was 13, I lost 2 girlfriends.. they both killed themself.. One for what I did personally.. And another because.. Well she was a rape victim.. After thouse days, I found this guy called Alex. He's helped me out through alot.. Nearly every single obstical that I clash into.. But recently.. Iv been feeling like.. I can't rely on him anymore.. Because im just putting more preshure on his life..
Iv got short/long term memory loss.. So I generally have a hard time remembering alot.. I recently rememberd about my girlfriend.. How she died... What she looked like... Why she loved me.. Why I loved her so damn much... She was beautifle... I didn't... Didn't want to lose her... My other girlfriend.. She killed herself because I was messing around with her... I had a friend over on the day.. And me and him were messing around.. I didn't realise she felt that way.. At that point.. It.. I.. Killed her?... I killed them both.. Because of my stupidity! I shouldn't have! I loved them both!...
After it happend.. I felt like nothing could drag me out of the dark hole I called life.. All I wanted to do was curl up and die.. Stay in a coma.. Anything... Just to be with her agian.. Iv been trying to find a girl like her... I just can't... No-one is like her.. No-one...
To make stuff worse.. My g-dad who I was extreemly close too, Died about 2 weeks ago... It still hurts to think of him... Im scared.. Cause everyone is dieing around me... One person I don't want to lose most of all is Alex.. Because he is the closest thing to a brother iv ever had... It sounds kinda.. Gay to say this.. but I actually love him. He's so funny.. Cool.. Smart.. If im hurt.. He always finds out whats happend.. I end up having a grin on my face...
I don't know what to do if I lose him though... I know I will someday.. But... I just know on that day, I'm going to go too..
A lonely kid waiting for the day...
-K34nu
Current song: 9 Crimes - Damien Rice
I just can't handle it anymore.. All this pain inside of me.. All this pain I cause.. I want to talk.. I can't.. I have certain aspects of me.. I just can't tell.. I try to help but im useless.. I truely am useless..
Why do I carry on?..
I just. Want to show him that im worth something.. Im not a worthless peice of shit everyone thinks I am.. Im confused.. Maybe im not worth anything?...
Im confused.. Should I carry on.. To keep everyone happy?.. Living a life as a burden to myself.. Or can I just... Die now.. Because thats all I really want to do recently.. Lifes just so repetative.. My family has turned from me..
Im not even shure im worth something to Alex anymore.. Although he may say differently.. What would I be worth if I died tonight..? How would people remember me?.. Would they even remember me?.. Im sure Alex would forget about me a few weeks later.. Friends.. Possibly a few months.. Family.. Possibly a few years... Everyone will forget about me someday... As I sit here clenching my teeth.. Trying to stop the tears streaming down my face.. Is this the only place I can truely open out too?.. Im shaking where im scared...
You say something.. Yet I know you mean different.. why do you taunt me? Can't you just tell me the truth..? All I truely want to do... Iv been feeling like this for 4 years now... (Yes.. Befour the deaths) I just hide all of this.. Reality is.. I suffer from severe depression.. Iv tried to kill myself 24 times now.. Nearly everyone of them stopped by Alex or another friend..
If I was to take the plunge tonight... Would anyone stop me?..
Current song; 3 doors down - If I could be like that
I have no use though?.. I just. I can't hide it.. I can't cover it.. Im just so god damn worthless.. I just curl up into a ball.. Covering my head with my hands.. Trying to cope.. Iv always had this sorta... Dream you could say.. That I would be standing ontop of a building with Alex, and just scream.. As loud as I can. Then look back at him smiling. God.. Feels like my heart just smashed in two.. Argh.. Snaped...
I just don't want to cause anyone a burnden anymore though.. I know if anyone reading this.. they'll just think.. "Hah.. Your pretty pathetic.."
Just keep glancing over at the huge box of tabs... That amount.. Id die.. quite quick and painlessly...
Alex.. He's strong.. He can live through alot.. He doesn't show much emotions.. Laughs in the face of death... My idol... He just.. I don't think he knows it.....
Im going to stop posting now...
-Keanu
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