Lost Hope

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ralderable, Dec 1, 2012.

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  1. Ralderable

    Ralderable Active Member

    The human emotion is a delicate matter and my heart is additionaly fragile, I am quite sensitive, for as far as I have ever known. I have been increasingly struggling with my emotions for a couple of years now, while these years have been surprisingly troubling, I did have moments of happiness. In fact I was doing superb the previous two weeks. Now however destiny decided to allow dispair and hopelessness to crash into me like waves from the sea, now pulling me, once more, towards a vortex of self loathing.

    I have always felt like a hopeless romantic, being able to fall in love head over heels and relish in the experience that goes along with such feelings. Now however, as I look towards the future, all I see is one filled with emptiness and disappointment. Am I realistic in being certain of the fact that I will never be able to find and experience a love that is reciprocated as such, simply because of the things I cannot accept about myself? Will I forever be alone? These questions haunt me because, such a future... Is not a future I wish to live to see. Is it just normal for me to feel these things as a teenager? Or am I just struck by a factual realisation that my life won't ever be worth living? I have been abandoned by my muse, after six wonderful years, in a rather cold and heartbreaking manner.

    I have experienced suicidal feelings previously, unfortunatly even acted upon those. However at the time it was more of a warning I tried to convey to those still close to me, to let everyone know that I was in a very dark place. Since then I have done almost everything to improve my existence. From therapy to medication and now about a year later, these feelings have returned. Colours become dull as that familiar feeling of the unbearable cold covers me. Been trying to shake away these feelings for the past few days, knowing that they might just be temporary. They have gotten worse though, sleep comes to me less and less, when it does its followed by nightmares.

    They usually say that when in a state of severe depression, all you see is darkness... You unknowingly focus on all that is wrong with yourself, and the world around you. While its correct, feelings of hopelessness and sorrow are about the only feelings occupying my mind... I someone think that this may be me, realizing things more clearly than before, unencumbered by a certain fake happiness otherwise repressing the clear realizations that are now so apparant. One can never know for certain what the future holds but we can always somewhat calculate how it may look like can't we? Mine seems so gloom...

    Many things have led me to live a life isolated from most everyone... I finished highschool at home, stopped going to school because I couldn't stand being amongst others... I started disliking every part of who I was, mostly aesthetic in nature. I started to doubt everything, the past, the present, the future... I became paranoid, while once never caring about the opinion of another... I now fear them as I would fear living much longer in this manner. My social life, completely collapsed and it made me feel unwanted... those feelings motivated by the abandonment that has broken my heart.

    *Sigh*

    I am sorry for rambling the way I am, I realise I am not being very specific about my actual problems and issues. Also, if this is the wrong thread to post, the post I've posted... Then please forgive me and I will remove it as soon as I am made aware.

    Thank you for listening.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun i know too well how hard it is to be so sensitive but that sensitivity hun makes us more caring towards others we see and feel more I do believe there is hope though Keep talking to us here ok hun you will not be abandoned here You won't feel so alone now hun hugs
     
  3. Ralderable

    Ralderable Active Member

    Thank you kindly Eclipse. ♥ I promised myself I would give these forums a try, before anything
     
  4. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hi, Ralderable. Welcome to SF!

    You sound like a sensitive soul - aware of your five senses and the stimuli affecting them and also aware of your own and others' feelings. You wonder if this is just part of the teen experience. I think many teens and young adults go through a period of heightened sensitivity, but everyone is a bit different.

    You say you have isolated yourself. Is this helping or hindering you these days? What would you like life to be like?

    Sometimes we need to sit and think of what we want in life and how we could achieve it...and is that the right path for us...or is there a different way to achieve the same kinds of things? Thinking things through often means that we consider the pros and cons of something. It is sometimes too easy to find things that get in our way of being happy and then we become a little fearful that we won't get what we hope for. And if someone has recently disappointed us or hurt us, things can feel very bleak. I hope the recent disillusionment you have experienced with your muse doesn't darken things so much that you can't move in any direction. So many times, we can only move on if there's a break from the old pattern. Maybe that is what has happened...a break, so that you are free to try other things now.

    None of that makes how it feels easier. But you don't have to be alone as you sift through your feelings. Many of us can relate to your situation, and we're happy to offer you encouragement and support. I'm glad to hear that you want to look around and see if we can help as opposed to your rushing into self-destruction. Please stay safe. I hope to get know you better. :smile:
     
  5. Count Floyd

    Count Floyd Well-Known Member


    I am kind of the same way, as I've gotten older, the more I can't stand being around people. I hate going to the store because I don't want to have someone come up to me and ask me if they can help me. I don't want to talk to people or be around people for the most part. Not that I love being a lone either, I'm not a talker or a people person. I recognize I have these chemicals in my brain that have messed me up. And we folks like us have these issues when bad stuff happens everything is magnified. It's a cliche but all you can do is take it one day at a time and hope.
     
  6. Ralderable

    Ralderable Active Member

    Thank you for your response Acy.

    The question of my isolation is not one easily answered. The main reason for me, isolating myself is that it protects me from the anxiety and uncertainty I experience when I do go outside. I am afraid to show myself, for I feel not worth showing. So while it shelters me from immediate negativity... it also ruins me in the long run. I grow increasingly anxious and uncertain... I receive no stimulations what so ever when it comes to conversation or love. Loneliness at times can be enough to drive me over the edge and turn me casually insane. However hard I try... The panic attacks that make me stay inside are horrible. I wish I could simply accept myself for who I am...
     
  7. Ralderable

    Ralderable Active Member

    Living day by day would be a solution, but its difficult with thoughts cemented to the past.
     
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