The human emotion is a delicate matter and my heart is additionaly fragile, I am quite sensitive, for as far as I have ever known. I have been increasingly struggling with my emotions for a couple of years now, while these years have been surprisingly troubling, I did have moments of happiness. In fact I was doing superb the previous two weeks. Now however destiny decided to allow dispair and hopelessness to crash into me like waves from the sea, now pulling me, once more, towards a vortex of self loathing. I have always felt like a hopeless romantic, being able to fall in love head over heels and relish in the experience that goes along with such feelings. Now however, as I look towards the future, all I see is one filled with emptiness and disappointment. Am I realistic in being certain of the fact that I will never be able to find and experience a love that is reciprocated as such, simply because of the things I cannot accept about myself? Will I forever be alone? These questions haunt me because, such a future... Is not a future I wish to live to see. Is it just normal for me to feel these things as a teenager? Or am I just struck by a factual realisation that my life won't ever be worth living? I have been abandoned by my muse, after six wonderful years, in a rather cold and heartbreaking manner. I have experienced suicidal feelings previously, unfortunatly even acted upon those. However at the time it was more of a warning I tried to convey to those still close to me, to let everyone know that I was in a very dark place. Since then I have done almost everything to improve my existence. From therapy to medication and now about a year later, these feelings have returned. Colours become dull as that familiar feeling of the unbearable cold covers me. Been trying to shake away these feelings for the past few days, knowing that they might just be temporary. They have gotten worse though, sleep comes to me less and less, when it does its followed by nightmares. They usually say that when in a state of severe depression, all you see is darkness... You unknowingly focus on all that is wrong with yourself, and the world around you. While its correct, feelings of hopelessness and sorrow are about the only feelings occupying my mind... I someone think that this may be me, realizing things more clearly than before, unencumbered by a certain fake happiness otherwise repressing the clear realizations that are now so apparant. One can never know for certain what the future holds but we can always somewhat calculate how it may look like can't we? Mine seems so gloom... Many things have led me to live a life isolated from most everyone... I finished highschool at home, stopped going to school because I couldn't stand being amongst others... I started disliking every part of who I was, mostly aesthetic in nature. I started to doubt everything, the past, the present, the future... I became paranoid, while once never caring about the opinion of another... I now fear them as I would fear living much longer in this manner. My social life, completely collapsed and it made me feel unwanted... those feelings motivated by the abandonment that has broken my heart. *Sigh* I am sorry for rambling the way I am, I realise I am not being very specific about my actual problems and issues. Also, if this is the wrong thread to post, the post I've posted... Then please forgive me and I will remove it as soon as I am made aware. Thank you for listening.