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lost hope

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by jumper, Apr 15, 2012.

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  1. jumper

    jumper Member

    I have been in a very bad emotional state for over two years now with alot
    of the time being very suicidal. (had depression all my life)

    I wanted to kill myself two months agoand was sent to a psych ward. (been to hospitals alot as
    well in the last two years almos 8 months)
    There i decided to play along until they would leave me out to then kill myself without any announcement/ conversations
    with my friends.

    I then met a girl who invited me to live with her and ive been living in her apartment
    for the last month - the first few weeks were wonderful and i´ve thought i had
    rediscovered the joy in life with her falling in love with me and vice versa.

    She has a difficult past too and we got into alot of fights after
    the first weeks past and everytime we fought i got more and depressive
    which made us fight more and more... which again turns me more and depressive..
    im now back to feeling as suciidal as when i left the hospital..

    No one helped me..i tried to get every help possible and everyone really tried
    to help me but i dont feel better.. at first i was really motivated but i just dont have
    the power anymore... I have lost my flat and currently live at a friends place after
    i had to move out of her place... im in
    debt and my whole family is sick and poor. Everyday i cry and im in terrible pain.

    I have given up on hope and help from other people after so many efforts
    and me always going to back to this miserable state... i feel like im too much
    for everyone around me even though everyone tries to help it doesnt go anywhere
    and i always keep breaking down.. i started to really myself for being so weak
    and feel thats its best to end it once and for all. The psych ward was my final
    warning.. they didnt help you and just lock up up..then i thought there was
    hope but even LOVE cannot save me... i feel so terrible and cannot concentrate
    on anything. I want to be a man and take responsd ibility.. i always was so strong
    and had so many ideas and now im just a self pitying wreck and i disgust myself...

    i write here because of the same reason i always write in forums, talk to people or go for help elswhere
    because i hope there will be some kind of glimpse of hope somewhere that
    gives me the strength to keep on fighting ..to survive this almost constant pain
    and give me the power to not kill myself cause some part of me wants to live..
    but i dont want to live with this suffering.. i cannot live with this suffering i have
    no strength left no energy... i feel like im going crazy and i dont know who to turn to anymore
    after i have tried everything i could think of...
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun depression is like a cycle hun right now you are in down part of it soon you will start feeling less low. If the meds are not helping and therapy time to try new ones and new therapist as well. Never give up on you hun okay. Coming here is a great start too You can talk here all you want and NOONE will judge you hun. We get that sadness you feel
    I just want you to know there will be other doors that open and that will bring you some peace. Keep going to your doctor keep trying new things ok because one day you will find that med that works or that therapist that connects to you so well. When you need help you go back to hospital and get it hun YOU are WORTH the fight h ugs
  3. jumper

    jumper Member

  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Any time hun you just want to talk you can pm me okay hugs
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