lost in the crowd

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Wastingecho, Feb 16, 2010.

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  1. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    spent most of last night by myself

    went to bed before my wife - got 4 hours sleep

    4 inches of new snow - engine started to overheat - parking garage almost full - train ran late

    sitting at my desk trying to do something - anything - i just keep staring at the crap on my desk

    getting e-mails with questions that i can't answer

    everytime i get up for coffee or a drink i see groups of people laughing, talking about their weekends

    i'm not a part of that any more - i feel like a spec of dust floating through the room just waiting to get swept away into the trash

    got to get through the day...but debating whether or not i want to
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I hate that feeling ... when there are people around you all talking and laughing, and it's like you're on the outside looking in.

    I hope you make it through the day.
  3. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    trying but it's harder than i thought

    only one person stopped at my desk - "this is broken, fix it"

    this is all i'm good for
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    That sucks. :hug: It's almost like people know when you're feeling bad and they go out of their way to somehow make it worse.
  5. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    starting to really feel like there's no place for me anymore

    can't reach out to my wife and family, can't contribute anything at work

    feel like i'm just taking up space, stealing someone else's oxygen

    dammit - managed to avoid tears until now

    i am so sick of this and disgusted with myself

    washing my hands before and looked in the mirror

    saw a 50-year old, graying, tired, invisible, useless old man who can't remember the last time a smile actually reached his eyes
  6. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    :hug: You're not invisible, even though I know there are times when it feels that way.

    I don't have the words to fix everything (even though I wish I did). But just wanted you to know you're being heard, and I understand.
  7. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    i'm getting scared again

    i don't know how much longer i can stand this
  8. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Please hold on. Just focus on trying to get through today. I'll be around most of the day, so if there's any way I can help just ask.
  9. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    then what?

    why would tomorrow be any different?

    when is it going to bet better?

    i want to break right now - i want to sob and rant and scream - but there's no place to do that anymore


    can't do it at home, my wife keeps checking on me now if doesn't see me for more than 10 minutes

    can't do it at work, have no office any more and the rest of them are locked

    i have to keep holding it in and cry quietly with my head down and back to the aisle

    can't keep my thoughts off dying - so many ways it can be done here, so easy - i'm sure my cubicle would be filled before anyone even noticed
  10. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I don't know. I really wish I had the answers. Hopefully soon your med increase will help, and then maybe you'll start to feel better.

    Can you get away for a few hours after work? Or even just a few minutes, to go for a drive somewhere that's private and let out all the emotions you're holding in? Would it help to vent here, either in the regular diaries section or in the private one, just to write everything out that's going through your head?
  11. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    i'll probably be doing it in the car on the way home - that's what i've been doing everyday for the last month or so - but that's later so i have to keep pushing it down and plastering my happy face on

    been taking the meds but i don't believe they'll really work - none of the others have before

    never kept a diary/journal - they tried to get me to do that at first but i kept ripping the blank pages out in frustration until i finally gave up

    no one has the answers

    i should just stop asking the questions
  12. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    If you do want to keep a diary, the option is always there. And if it's something you don't want anyone else to read, you can put it in the private section.

    It's okay to keep asking the questions. You don't have to stop.
  13. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    someone just walked up behind me while i was reading the last post and was staring at my screen while asking me a question - had headphones on to drown out the noise

    not sure if i hid the window fast enough - now i'm paranoid

    getting ready to run just in case
  14. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Hope everything's okay and nobody saw anything. Maybe it'd be a good idea to clear the cache and history on that computer just in case. If you don't know how, let me know and I can talk you through it. That way nobody can follow you here.
  15. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    i don't want to do this anymore

    i don't want to hurt

    i don't want to be afraid
  16. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I know how it feels..keep fighting it...
  17. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I know... :hug: How you doing now?
  18. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    kind of holding it together

    apparently stress makes me lose weight - lost 5 lbs.
  19. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Glad you're holding it together!

    Yeah, stress can make you lose weight. At least I know when I'm stressed, I don't eat much.
  20. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    don't recommend it in place of dieting - side effects are a bitch
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