Lost inside my head..

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Anonymous21, Sep 9, 2015.

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  1. Anonymous21

    Anonymous21 New Member

    My life is falling apart. I feel like there is this pain I can't get rid of and I'm slipping into such a deep dark depression.

    I have no idea if I'm posting this in the correct spot but I just need to get this out.

    First I want to say I know I will get judged for what I'm about to say but at least I can finally get this all out. idk if there will be someone out there willing to listen and not judge me or pass opinion on what I should do..but just listen and let me lean on their shoulders.

    I fell in love with a man who comes from a very painful childhood. He saw his mother get physically abused and recently he has began to beat me. I love him very much and I know that sounds so bad but he has a beautiful soul deep down inside. I have always struggled with depression but latley I have been struggling to stay strong. I feel as though I have so many thoughts and feelings going on inside my head I can't even make sense of them myself. Nobody knows this in my personal life but I became pregnant with his child a few months ago (before the abuse started) and had a misscarriage. This was my first pregnancy and I didn't know how to feel I was so broken over it and I felt like I was alone. He told me that it was my fault and I killed the baby because I wouldn't stop stressing and that he didn't want it anyway among other horrible things. He always says sorry and I know that he doesn't mean what he says but it still hurts. He is my first love and the only guy I have ever been with but he has been with 30+ partners since we have been together he has slept with two different women while we were on a break. I know that we were on a break but that tore my soul apart and brought me down to the deepest depths of pain I have ever felt. One girl or woman I should say was 45 years old and a grandmother ( we are both in our very early 20s).

    I feel like I cannot leave him because I love him so much I see his pain and I feel like he can really really change for me. He tries and I see he tries to be better he just needs one person in his life to not give up on him and love him hard.

    I'm trying to deal with the pain of my misscarriage, our relationship, and starting my career all at the same time I feel torn and sad. We have the potential to create a beautiful life together. My depression is getting worse everyday he sees I'm sad but I just tell him I'm tired ( I work night shift) so he does his best to make me happy in his own way. Some days are good but other days make my heart feel so sad. He calls me fat and nasty and pig and I tell him I don't care but it truly hurts me. He is really good looking and attractive and girls are always trying to be with him. I feel like everyone has had sex with him in our town so I feel sometimes like I don't have the experience or body he wants compared to all these other girls.

    I look at intimacy as something so special and sacred and he doesn't really value it at all. It's just an activity to him. When I feel like he is bored with me I am intimate with him because I don't want him to cheat. Then after I feel like I am betraying my own values.

    That being said he does have a beautiful side. Whenever I'm sad he takes me up into the mountains where its so peaceful because he knows I love it up there. He will always kiss me and hold my hand. Which I love so very much.

    He asked me to marry him and gave me this ring while we were up in the mountains. When we came down and went in the store he told me to take it off. I don't know if he was embarresd of me or the ring ( it was beautiful but not expensive at all). It hurt my feelings..because I told him I don't care how much it cost I love it because it came from you.

    I want him but im battling with my depression ( he does not know I struggle with depression ) I'm slipping guys.. I love life but I have this dark sad cloud over my heart and I feel like I can't take a deep breath. I feel like I have a beautiful soul. Why can't he see that?

    Sorry this is so long.. I needed to get this out.

    Thank you for your time and have a blessed day.
     
  2. Anonymous21

    Anonymous21 New Member

    My life is falling apart. I feel like there is this pain I can't get rid of and I'm slipping into such a deep dark depression.

    I have no idea if I'm posting this in the correct spot but I just need to get this out.

    First I want to say I know I will get judged for what I'm about to say but at least I can finally get this all out. idk if there will be someone out there willing to listen and not judge me or pass opinion on what I should do..but just listen and let me lean on their shoulders.

    I fell in love with a man who comes from a very painful childhood. He saw his mother get physically abused and recently he has began to beat me. I love him very much and I know that sounds so bad but he has a beautiful soul deep down inside. I have always struggled with depression but latley I have been struggling to stay strong. I feel as though I have so many thoughts and feelings going on inside my head I can't even make sense of them myself. Nobody knows this in my personal life but I became pregnant with his child a few months ago (before the abuse started) and had a misscarriage. This was my first pregnancy and I didn't know how to feel I was so broken over it and I felt like I was alone. He told me that it was my fault and I killed the baby because I wouldn't stop stressing and that he didn't want it anyway among other horrible things. He always says sorry and I know that he doesn't mean what he says but it still hurts. He is my first love and the only guy I have ever been with but he has been with 30+ partners since we have been together he has slept with two different women while we were on a break. I know that we were on a break but that tore my soul apart and brought me down to the deepest depths of pain I have ever felt. One girl or woman I should say was 45 years old and a grandmother ( we are both in our very early 20s).

    I feel like I cannot leave him because I love him so much I see his pain and I feel like he can really really change for me. He tries and I see he tries to be better he just needs one person in his life to not give up on him and love him hard.

    I'm trying to deal with the pain of my misscarriage, our relationship, and starting my career all at the same time I feel torn and sad. We have the potential to create a beautiful life together. My depression is getting worse everyday he sees I'm sad but I just tell him I'm tired ( I work night shift) so he does his best to make me happy in his own way. Some days are good but other days make my heart feel so sad. He calls me fat and nasty and pig and I tell him I don't care but it truly hurts me. He is really good looking and attractive and girls are always trying to be with him. I feel like everyone has had sex with him in our town so I feel sometimes like I don't have the experience or body he wants compared to all these other girls.

    I look at intimacy as something so special and sacred and he doesn't really value it at all. It's just an activity to him. When I feel like he is bored with me I am intimate with him because I don't want him to cheat. Then after I feel like I am betraying my own values.

    That being said he does have a beautiful side. Whenever I'm sad he takes me up into the mountains where its so peaceful because he knows I love it up there. He will always kiss me and hold my hand. Which I love so very much.

    He asked me to marry him and gave me this ring while we were up in the mountains. When we came down and went in the store he told me to take it off. I don't know if he was embarresd of me or the ring ( it was beautiful but not expensive at all). It hurt my feelings..because I told him I don't care how much it cost I love it because it came from you.

    I want him but im battling with my depression ( he does not know I struggle with depression ) I'm slipping guys.. I love life but I have this dark sad cloud over my heart and I feel like I can't take a deep breath. I feel like I have a beautiful soul. Why can't he see that?

    Sorry this is so long.. I needed to get this out.

    Thank you for your time and have a blessed day.
     
  3. Yan12

    Yan12 Member

    I understand you completely and I know what you're going through believe me. All I can tell you is to stay strong and I hope things get better for you :)
    Take care
     
  4. Anonymous21

    Anonymous21 New Member

    Thank you :)
     
  5. Zaheer

    Zaheer Account Closed

    Stay strong : (
     
  6. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    You need to get help - talk toa womens counseling center- there are many free ones everywhere- about the relationship and they can help you understand what is going on and why the confusion. If you are unsure how to find a place to talk to then feel free to send me a private message (click my name and "start a conversation" ) telling me your approximate location and I can send you a couple links and / or phone numbers of places that can help you and will talk to you about your relationship issues.
     
  7. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    For a minute, put yourself in an outsiders shoes and forget everything you know about your boyfriend and yourself and re-read what you wrote. If another woman wrote that what would you say to the woman?

    Asking others not to judge is very hard for alot of people but there are alot women that went through what you went through. Youre not alone.

    Sometimes two beautiful souls will thrive the best apart from one another. Life is funny that way. And please get some help like NYJM mentioned.
     
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Get out of the abusive relationship. NOW. Once an abuser, always an abuser. That may not be true in all cases but please keep it in mind. He calls you fat and a pig and ugly?? You deserve so much more than this low life. I think you are very strong to be trying to hold this all together, I commend you on your strength. As for him asking you to take off the ring, I would say it was a case of him being embarrassed because it wasn't too expensive.

    I think you should leave him. You deserve better, you do not deserve to be abused by this monster any longer. I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship and trust me when I say it is horrible, I know how you feel, the best thing I ever did was leave him.
     
  9. I am not judging I want you to know that first off

    I have been abused too not exactly the same situation but still abused. (and it is abuse there should be no question about that)

    Let's forget about the abuse for a minute. You said that you think he can change for you and I agree he can change, there is that within him, but you should not be in a relationship to change a person.

    When you are with someone or in a certain environment you revert to habits you had while with that person or in that environment. So even if he worked on his abusiveness he will still abuse you because that is habitual. I believe he needs to work on his childhood experiences and his abusiveness while he is not actually in a relationship.

    You love him I understand but to let him heal you need to get out and stay out. If you don't he will eventually kill you and he will fell bad about it after and will go to prison (which I know you don't want to happen).

    Aside from the abuse it sounds like you two are not the right fit for each other. That is hard to hear because I know you love him and I'm sorry.

    Now lets talk about you; you are going through depression and you need to heal from that before you are in a serious relationship (not everyone needs to, but from your description you do at least some).

    You need to heal and it will be hard and letting someone go for both your sakes is also really hard.
     
  10. Anonymous21

    Anonymous21 New Member

    Thank you all for your kindness and advice.. I am going to find the right time to try and end this relationship..I love him but I'm so depressed and unhappy. I just don't know how yet
     
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