My life is falling apart. I feel like there is this pain I can't get rid of and I'm slipping into such a deep dark depression. I have no idea if I'm posting this in the correct spot but I just need to get this out. First I want to say I know I will get judged for what I'm about to say but at least I can finally get this all out. idk if there will be someone out there willing to listen and not judge me or pass opinion on what I should do..but just listen and let me lean on their shoulders. I fell in love with a man who comes from a very painful childhood. He saw his mother get physically abused and recently he has began to beat me. I love him very much and I know that sounds so bad but he has a beautiful soul deep down inside. I have always struggled with depression but latley I have been struggling to stay strong. I feel as though I have so many thoughts and feelings going on inside my head I can't even make sense of them myself. Nobody knows this in my personal life but I became pregnant with his child a few months ago (before the abuse started) and had a misscarriage. This was my first pregnancy and I didn't know how to feel I was so broken over it and I felt like I was alone. He told me that it was my fault and I killed the baby because I wouldn't stop stressing and that he didn't want it anyway among other horrible things. He always says sorry and I know that he doesn't mean what he says but it still hurts. He is my first love and the only guy I have ever been with but he has been with 30+ partners since we have been together he has slept with two different women while we were on a break. I know that we were on a break but that tore my soul apart and brought me down to the deepest depths of pain I have ever felt. One girl or woman I should say was 45 years old and a grandmother ( we are both in our very early 20s). I feel like I cannot leave him because I love him so much I see his pain and I feel like he can really really change for me. He tries and I see he tries to be better he just needs one person in his life to not give up on him and love him hard. I'm trying to deal with the pain of my misscarriage, our relationship, and starting my career all at the same time I feel torn and sad. We have the potential to create a beautiful life together. My depression is getting worse everyday he sees I'm sad but I just tell him I'm tired ( I work night shift) so he does his best to make me happy in his own way. Some days are good but other days make my heart feel so sad. He calls me fat and nasty and pig and I tell him I don't care but it truly hurts me. He is really good looking and attractive and girls are always trying to be with him. I feel like everyone has had sex with him in our town so I feel sometimes like I don't have the experience or body he wants compared to all these other girls. I look at intimacy as something so special and sacred and he doesn't really value it at all. It's just an activity to him. When I feel like he is bored with me I am intimate with him because I don't want him to cheat. Then after I feel like I am betraying my own values. That being said he does have a beautiful side. Whenever I'm sad he takes me up into the mountains where its so peaceful because he knows I love it up there. He will always kiss me and hold my hand. Which I love so very much. He asked me to marry him and gave me this ring while we were up in the mountains. When we came down and went in the store he told me to take it off. I don't know if he was embarresd of me or the ring ( it was beautiful but not expensive at all). It hurt my feelings..because I told him I don't care how much it cost I love it because it came from you. I want him but im battling with my depression ( he does not know I struggle with depression ) I'm slipping guys.. I love life but I have this dark sad cloud over my heart and I feel like I can't take a deep breath. I feel like I have a beautiful soul. Why can't he see that? Sorry this is so long.. I needed to get this out. Thank you for your time and have a blessed day.